to hate having a different surname to my DC

[RebekahGoggles]

I am a single parent of 2 DCs, seperated from exDP end of last year.

When we had our DC we were engaged, so both DCs got his last name, as I just thought I would have the same last name soon. This wasn't to be so as a result my DCs have a different last name to me. I resent it everyday, as I do 90% of their care, he has them every other weekend and has little to do with their everyday schooling/appointments.

I recently took them abroad and at the airport had a few questions asked of my relationship to them. I had taken birth certificates so it was easily resolved but it left me feeling really sad.

Both our last names together don't work well as double-barelled and ex would never agree to change their last names to mine. Is there anything I can do or is this just going to bother me forever

notever - Have you heard of annual leave?

Yeah but like names, it's only assigned the meaning which I choose to give it. And in this case, I give it none at all.

Oh and OP gets on quite well with her ex, so you can keep your rudeness to your own relationship dramas.

This is why I kept my own name and gave the children my name also despite a very long marriage.

It's laughable when posters say it's my dad's name. It's my name as much as it ever was my fathers. Or do only men own names

Reported, grobags. You should really keep your vicious slurs to yourself.

We did this because we're planning to marry and I wanted us all to have the same name eventually. And now I really regret it - we are still together and we'll get married when we get round to it, but it still pisses me off that DS has DP's last name rather than mine. I wouldn't do it if I had my time again.

The cats have my last name though.

Red - if you have another DC before you are married, register in YOUR name.

He gets no say if you're still not married - he can't even fill in the certificate!

There's never any doubt about who actually gave birth, but a man who allows a baby to take his family name does so as a way of acknowledging paternity

All the more reason they should have the mother's name. Think of all the family trees where the person finds out they're not a Bloggs after all. But if the tradition is to keep the mother's name the family trees will be more accurate.

However this isn't the reason children took their father's name or why wives changed their names upon marriage.

It was because they, wife and children, were considered to be the legal property of the husband.

Think about that for a moment. Then decide if you want to carry on with that tradition.

Can you double barrel their names?

OP, just change their names by deedpoll.

My DSD was given DP's name when she was born and DP's ex changed DSD's name to her new boyfriends name when DSD was 2. Lied through her teeth to Deedpoll by telling them that DP wasnt in DSD's life when he was actually having DSD 4 nights out of 7 at the time. We went to court, complained to deedpoll, told doctors, nursery then primary school that this was NOT agreed and her real name stands. Never made one bit of difference, DSD still goes by her mothers (now ex) boyfriend's surname.

If their father complains, there are no repercussions for lying, so have at it.

Red that made me laugh

The dog has my surname too, it does make me chuckle when occasional post arrives with his last name!

Chevalier I don't want to cause unnecessary tension and my intentions aren't to start a row with ex or upset him. I would like him to agree ultimatley. At present we are really amicable so I'm not looking to throw a spanner in the works and make it uncomfortable for the DC.

OP
Change your name to his and your mutual children's. A bit weird, quite frankly, since you say you're doing most of the care and birthed them. He might also object if he plans to marry again.
Change the children's surnames to yours. what will you do if you marry again?
Double-barrel? I know the Spanish way of doing things, but I was DB as was my exH - it can just get ludicrous - 4 surnames?
Just forget about it and get on with your life?

Solicitors on here may confirm - but I understand bizarrely it's your first name which is the legal one. That is much harder to change.

I don't think he would be too bothered if I changed my name to his and would probably understand my reasons and prefer that to me changing the childrens but I will just find it weird to have his name after we have split.

If I changed mine or DCs names and remarried I would just keep my name. I wasn't planning on having exes name for him, just so we all had the same name as a family, I am not having further DC so would prefer to have the same name as DC than a future husband.

I am married, my DCs have my DH name as their last name but I use my name*.
I don't care at all that my DCs have a different name to me. They have my last name as a middle name. My DCs (well, the one that's old enough) don't bat an eyelid that I have a different last name.

*and yes, it's the name I got from my dad. My brother also got his from our dad, my dad and his three sisters and brother got theirs from their dad, the two brothers and one sister still use their dad's surname.

I also do not understand why children take the fathers name.
It is not just a name its important. Travelling abroad as the OP said can cause problems if the mother and child have different surnames.

I would absolutely hate to not share a name with my DC. We adopted the Spanish tradition and gave DD both our names. No hyphen. My sister did the same with her DDS and I love that all the cousins share a maternal name which would otherwise have been lost.

milliemoliemou if both parents are double barrelled and you want to keep up the idea of using a name from both parents you just use one from each parent, like the Spanish. The idea that double barrelling will eventually lead to epically long surnames is always trotted out on threads like this and it's nonsense.

I hate my surname. I'm glad that DD doesn't have to have it.
Also you can have them known as a different name. I have taught lots of children who are for example known as David Smith but on forms or official documents are called David Harris.

Solicitors on here may confirm - but I understand bizarrely it's your first name which is the legal one. That is much harder to change.

I'm not a solicitor, but I do know that changing your forename is as easy as your surname. You can even do both at the same time.

My mother gave me her surname. I cannot imagine being named after someone who couldn't be arsed to stay in touch instead of the person who actually brought me up. My mother is my family, so I have my family name.

My husband half-heartedly suggested we both add the other's name on marriage, but in practice, neither of us could be arsed.

My son has my name and his father's. When he is older, he may choose to go by one or the other, or do a mashup. I won't be offended by which he chooses, because they are both his name now.

We are married and we have 5 dc together. 3 of them have my last name and 2 of them have DH's.

It doesn't cause any problems but people are very surprised that we don't all share the same name.

It doesn't bother me or DH and it doesn't bother the children whose name they have because it is theirs!

Why do people keep saying 'just change their surname?' 'It's so easy by deed poll.....'

You. Cannot.

Change. A.

Child's. Surname.

Without.

The Permission Of.

THE FATHER OF THE CHILD.

It's perfectly normal at schools to have a child in the register with their birth name but 'known as' by the side. Their books, coat pegs etc. will all have their 'known as' name on and they need not be referred to by their birth name.
If you are a single parent, most schools will do this without contacting the birth father unless there are legal documents to say they must.

We are married with 3DC. We both kept our names but for the children followed the Spanish way of two surnames but no hyphen... it's been great.

Why not suggest this to him? Especially for travelling it's a good idea. Also it doesn't change their name in the same way a hyphen would i.e. Become one long name, rather 2 names.

Honestly, when meeting people no one ever considers whether 2 surnames 'go' together, they just do unless they form some obvious profanity!

Have the confidence to use your name and see it as equally valid as their fathers. You are on good terms, tell him it makes good legal sense for them to have two surnames.

Could you say to him something like

"Hi [ex], on our way back from holidays we got stopped by security who were concerned that the DC were not mine due to the name. I'd like to have [my surname] added to their name to make it easier for me and them with all the admin and travelling. I assume you'd rather they kept your name too, so rather than changing their name to mine, we could double barrel it, from Smith to Smith-Jones. They can probably still just use "Smith" day to day". Or would you prefer Jones-Smith? Let me know what you think".

That way, you're giving him an option, and two reasonable ones at that, so he's less likely to give you a flat No.

Then once it's double-barrelled, you/DC can either use Jones-Smith or Smith or both, whichever they prefer.

notever nice goading of grobags.

OP, I hear where you are coming from and I would feel the same. I agree that it would be unusual to change your name to his after the split and I can see why that'd be uncomfortable. Do look into double barrelling again, there might be a way to make it work without it being a mouthful.