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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate having a different surname to my DC

181 replies

RebekahGoggles · 18/08/2017 11:59

I am a single parent of 2 DCs, seperated from exDP end of last year.

When we had our DC we were engaged, so both DCs got his last name, as I just thought I would have the same last name soon. This wasn't to be so as a result my DCs have a different last name to me. I resent it everyday, as I do 90% of their care, he has them every other weekend and has little to do with their everyday schooling/appointments.

I recently took them abroad and at the airport had a few questions asked of my relationship to them. I had taken birth certificates so it was easily resolved but it left me feeling really sad.

Both our last names together don't work well as double-barelled and ex would never agree to change their last names to mine. Is there anything I can do or is this just going to bother me forever Sad

OP posts:
CrossSugarman · 18/08/2017 12:13

Can you double barrel their names? I have no idea if that's easier than changing surnames entirely.

BertrandRussell · 18/08/2017 12:13

I play "name bingo"

Women's names being their father's names while men's names are their own is a classic.

Notknownatthisaddress · 18/08/2017 12:13

@hedgehog

it completely baffles me that unmarried women would give their DC their DP's surname which is different to their own

I know right. I mean why not go double-barrelled at least?

@jemmybloocher

Do you need permission to change their names to yours? I don't think so. Change their names. That would drive me crazy. All my kids have my name. I gave birth to them

You may have 'given birth to them' but if they have your partner's surname, you cannot change it without your partner's permission.

As I said though, the children can change it at 18. I know 2 young folk (19 and 20) who changed their surname to their mother's when they were 18 and 19. (The older one waited for the younger one to hit 18 so they could do it together.)

CrossSugarman · 18/08/2017 12:14

Me and DP aren't married and DS carries his surname, which isn't an issue to me as I carry my dads surname.

Ah yes. Us women never have our own name, we're just borrowing a man's name until another man's name is bestowed on us.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 18/08/2017 12:14

BertrandRussell Thanks xx

LoyaltyAndLobster · 18/08/2017 12:15

CrossSugarman All 5 of us carry my dads surname 3 boys and 2 girls.

rizlett · 18/08/2017 12:15

In some countries its more normal for the dc to have the fathers christian name as a surname.

Op - if you do decide to change your surname to match your dc you can do it for free.

deedpoll.org.uk

Original poster
RebekahGoggles · 18/08/2017 12:16

If we weren't engaged upon having the DCs and intending to marry I would have insisted on my name, I genuinely thought we would marry and we would all have the same name.

It isn't coming from a place of spite, we generally get on okay and I want my DCs to have a good relationship with their father, I have no intentions to hurt him I just resent that I am their main care giver but they seem more 'his' children on paper as they all share the same last name.

The DCs also share the same last name as his father who isn't a part of their lives and has never met them, and I do resent that a little bit.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 18/08/2017 12:16

I have several friends in this situation, it is one of the reasons my kids both have my surname and not DPs. I'm their main carer and I won't be changing my name when we get married so I gave them my name. DP is welcome to change his name to match if he wants!

If you don't want to double barrel then I don't think there is anything you can do. I have a friend who was allowed by the court to add her name, but not remove the father's.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 18/08/2017 12:20

Personally I can't see why them having his name makes them anymore his than yours..." a rose by any other name" etc etc. They are who they are, the are your children. A name means nothing at all.

But if it bothers you that much, just change your name to theirs.

Notknownatthisaddress · 18/08/2017 12:23

@Crosssugarman
Traditionally the child of unmarried parents would always get the mother's surname. It seems a very recent thing for people to now default to the father's name instead. And it makes no sense to me as if they break up (and let's face it, that happens a lot) it will more than likely be the mother who the child lives with.

VERY good point.

Not only do the children almost always stay with their mother, but also the mother is often the main carer, and takes the kids to school, and their hobby groups, and doctors and hospital and dental appointments etc etc etc. So it is odd that women choose to give the child the man's surname. As I said, I wonder if there is some deep rooted desire or hope that the father of the child(ren) will marry them one day.

@loyaltyandlobster
OP correct me if I am wrong, it sounds like you are doing this out of spite, if you and EX were still together would have the same thoughts?

I doubt the OP is doing this out of spite, but you do have a point. Why did the childrens surnames being different to her not bother her before she an her ex split?

OP?

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 18/08/2017 12:24

I have similar regrets OP. I wish I had double-barreled the surnames but as I hate my surname I went along with giving them their dad's. It will be a cold day in hell before I share a surname with that abusive monster so it is what it is. I too do ALL the childcare and every single other thing for the children. I don't resent them in any way at all but it does seem stupid to me we dont even share the same family name.

Scrumptiousbears · 18/08/2017 12:25

I'm not married and my DDs have the dads name. I do t have a problem with this. I think it's a self confidence thing.

Original poster
RebekahGoggles · 18/08/2017 12:25

Maybe it shouldn't bother me as much as it does, and yes they are still my DC I just feel the odd one out.

The airport trip magnified it a bit for me, my youngest was going through family the other week and was saying Daddy Smith, Mummy Smith, Child1 Smith and Child2 Smith. I had to say no not Mummy Smith and he couldn't really understand why I'm not a Smith like them.

OP posts:
rosy71 · 18/08/2017 12:27

My children have dp's name which doesn't bother me, although, with hindsight, I should have given them both names.

If it bothers you that much & ex won;t agree to a name change, you could ask him whether you could double-barrel the surnames or add yours as another middle name. They could also be "known as" your surname whilst his remains their legal one, but I'm not sure how that works. Failing that, you could change your surname to his, or double-barrel, or add his as another middle name to your name.

soupforbrains · 18/08/2017 12:27

Notknown the OP has already answered this.

She said that they were engaged and the children were given the DPs name as she fully expected to be joining them once married. Clearly that is why it didn't bother her, she expected it was just a short term thing. Makes more sense than naming them all her name and then changing hers AND the kids after the marriage. At least that is how it will have felt at the time.

Original poster
RebekahGoggles · 18/08/2017 12:28

I doubt the OP is doing this out of spite, but you do have a point. Why did the childrens surnames being different to her not bother her before she an her ex split?

They did bother me to some extent, when DC1 was born we were fairly newly engaged so I didn't think much of it as I assumed we would marry shortly, we had money troubles so delayed the wedding, DC2 arrived and I was a bit unsure but wanted the children to share the last surname as eachother rather than one have mine/one have exDPs. Now we are not getting married I am looking at the longterm never sharing their names.

OP posts:
Notknownatthisaddress · 18/08/2017 12:28

@Rebekahgoggles

Did it bother you when you and your partner were together?

Original poster
RebekahGoggles · 18/08/2017 12:30

I don't think you can go as 'known as' anymore, a friend of mine has a DC with an absent father who has a double barelled name of both names and her school/GPs would only accept both names and not just her 'known as' name.

Double barelling wouldn't work as the names sound awful together and both fairly long so a mouthful.

OP posts:
chelseahotel · 18/08/2017 12:30

Interesting one. I kept my name when we got married, having children was not on my radar.
Years later when DC came along we gave them DH surname. The DC and I have always disliked having different names. They are grown up now and still feel strongly that it made them feel awkward. I even considered changing my name when they were at primary school but DH persuaded me that it was a good example to the DC that you don't have to follow the crowd.

Original poster
RebekahGoggles · 18/08/2017 12:32

chelsea In what way do they say it made them feel awkward?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 18/08/2017 12:33

Regardless of the mouthful I would 100% double barrel in that situation. But not put a hyphen and put my name last. The middle surname is always the one people gloss over.

Look at the Spanish custom of double barrelling. The mothers name is last and they are always faintly surprised when they come over to work here and the middle surname is quietly dropped on their work IDs.

JemmyBloocher · 18/08/2017 12:34

Actually my son's name was double-barrelled and I changed it to just mine with no input from his father.

JemmyBloocher · 18/08/2017 12:34

I wouldn't want a man's name that I wasn't with because it's not my name. It has no connection to me at all.

mmmmnuts · 18/08/2017 12:35

Just suck it up, or double-barrel them.

Both our last names together don't work well as double-barelled

So many people say that. Basically any name can be double-barrelled. If you think they "can't", then you're obviously not as concerned about the whole thing as you say you are.