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Original poster

to hate having a different surname to my DC

181 replies

RebekahGoggles · 18/08/2017 11:59

I am a single parent of 2 DCs, seperated from exDP end of last year.

When we had our DC we were engaged, so both DCs got his last name, as I just thought I would have the same last name soon. This wasn't to be so as a result my DCs have a different last name to me. I resent it everyday, as I do 90% of their care, he has them every other weekend and has little to do with their everyday schooling/appointments.

I recently took them abroad and at the airport had a few questions asked of my relationship to them. I had taken birth certificates so it was easily resolved but it left me feeling really sad.

Both our last names together don't work well as double-barelled and ex would never agree to change their last names to mine. Is there anything I can do or is this just going to bother me forever Sad

OP posts:
fakenamefornow · 18/08/2017 13:23

I have the perfect solution to this last name business.

Women, all keep their own name, married/single/divorced/whatever. No name changes.
Men, all keep their own name, married/single/divorced/whatever. No name changes.

Children, all double-barrel, one name from mum, one from dad. The name that goes first is which even one sounds better. No name changes.

This way all children are tied to both parents by name. If second relationships come along with more children, they will also all share one name with their siblings.

For the next generation who will all be double-barreled adults, each parent hands down one name to their children so children are just double-barreled.

This seems the obvious solution for the 21st century. It baffles me why so many women still change their names on marriage or let their child have only their partners name in the face of all the evidence that this may not end well.

imo a child has a right to both parent's names.

WhollyFather · 18/08/2017 13:25

Women have a choice between having their father's surname or their children's. This isn't patriarchal or Victorian, it's the principle of mummy's baby, daddy's maybe. There's never any doubt about who actually gave birth, but a man who allows a baby to take his family name does so as a way of acknowledging paternity, its concomitant responsibilities and eventually the child's inheritance, even if he is in the 2-10% (estimates vary greatly) of men who unwittingly commit to bringing up another man's child.

A woman registering her baby with her own surname looks like she is expecting to end up as a single parent.

Thingywhatsit · 18/08/2017 13:26

Am in same position - although I have one with my surname and one with a different one. (Different fathers) was due to be married but I called that off. was basically bullied for last one to have fathers surname - hormones and sleep deprivation made me allow it.

Hate it so much. Am now getting dd's name changed by deed poll. Father doesn't have PR, (all he had to do was sign a form that I had completed for him and he hasn't!!!!!) so don't need him to sign it. Am planning double barrelled for her so he doesn't kick off to much.

fakenamefornow · 18/08/2017 13:26

Surnames do not.

I hate this. Surnames matter a lot. Black people in the Caribbean and America have had their African names taken from them and have been stamped with the English name of the slave owner. I think surnames matter.

fakenamefornow · 18/08/2017 13:28

A woman registering her baby with her own surname looks like she is expecting to end up as a single parent.

My children all have my last name, I've been married to their dad for over 20 years.

VestalVirgin · 18/08/2017 13:30

Women don't actually have their own names and identity, ever.

Perhaps we all should call ourselves Ms X, to avoid that problem.

Would be a bit confusing, though.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 18/08/2017 13:32

Yes exactly my point. It's just some letters on some paperwork. No one activity reads them on a regular basis. They hold only the meaning you assign to them, which, with a bit of pragmatism, can be nothing. Unless you are a teacher it is highly unusual to be addressed by your surname more than a handful of times a month

I refuse to believe anyone can hold a professional job and not understand what surnames are and how they are used.

The only hold the meaning you assign to them? You could not do ANYTHING in your life without your surname. You know that (alleged) job where you don't need your surname? How do you get paid then? Into your bank, where you needed your surname to open the account? Do you use your card, which has your name on it?

I haven't even left my house yet today and I've used my surname 4 or 5 times today.
Such inanity!

grobagsforever · 18/08/2017 13:45

My 'alleged' job? Again, can you please learn some manners and stop being abusive. I have a highly paid job consulting to FTSE 100 firms which I have because I am smart, pragmatic and understand how to have a debate without being nasty.

I really don't consider having a name written down on a bit of paper as 'using' it. It's basically like a bank account number - yes I need one, no the actual digits don't matter.

Yes my surname appears on my work docs, LinkedIn etc. But I always introduce myself with my first name and my role and everyone seems to be able to cope with that. I'm truly sorry that is beyond your understanding.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 18/08/2017 14:02

fakename

Snap! My children all have my surname. I'm married to a sensible and reasonable man, as are you Grin. DC all look like him though, and nothing like me!

DoveOfPiss · 18/08/2017 14:05

We have 3 surnames in our house. My eldest has her father's name, as I did when we were married. However, keeping his name after what he put me through was not an option so I reverted to my maiden name after we divorced (DD was 1 at the time).

I then had 3 more DCs with XDP who I was with for 12 years, they all have his name. He now has no contact with them (his choice).

I have explained it to the children that we all have the same names as our dads. Works for me. Like PPs have said, it's only a name. In the grand scheme of things it's not worth getting worked up about.

And I've never taken them abroad so not had the airport hassle.

NamedyChangedy · 18/08/2017 14:26

I do get what @grobagsforever is saying - in the interactions that matter, your surname is rarely important.

I'm in the same situation as OP (not married, kids have DP's surname) and it's never been a concern.

I'd also advise moving on from it if possible, and channelling energy into something more fruitful (I mean that in the nicest way possible OP - I know it's easier said than done sometimes).

mmmmnuts · 18/08/2017 14:35

I have the perfect solution to this last name business.

That's the way it's already done in some countries. Makes sense really. And nobody gets irrationally freaked out by double surnames or worries that they won't "go together".

notevernotnevernotnohow · 18/08/2017 14:37

I have a highly paid job consulting to FTSE 100 firms which I have because I am smart, pragmatic and understand how to have a debate without being nasty

Sure you do. That's why you have time in the middle of the day to tell us that we don;t need surnames and no-one actually uses them. Which is obvious nonsense.

OllyBJolly · 18/08/2017 14:48

I was married but kept my own name. DCs had their DF's name. I felt very strongly that I wanted us all to have the same name - we were the family, I'd be doing all the enrolling at school etc it made sense for the DCs to have my name. XH agreed and we changed it with no problem.

Had he not agreed, I would have gone to court. Why does the father's name trump the mother's?

nigelsbigface · 18/08/2017 14:54

I kept my name when I got married.My stbexh was meant to put my family name as one of dd1's middle names so that it would at least be somewhere in there.He 'forgot' when he went to register her. And we didn't do it for dd2 as it would be weird for her to have it not her sister. I really regret it now and the dd's often say they would like my name in theirs somewhere...
I don't think exh would agree to it and it would be an argument and expensive anyway. It does piss me off though.
Dd1 says if she ever has to use a different name (like if she becomes a Hollywood actress or something, she will
Use my family name rather than her Dads as it sounds better).

FizzyGreenWater · 18/08/2017 14:56

What a twat, Nigel!

Your dds could change to your name if they are old enough...

SoupDragon · 18/08/2017 15:02

It baffles me why so many women still change their names on marriage

You're easily baffled then.

Viviennemary · 18/08/2017 15:10

Unless I was married I wouldn't give a child my partners surname. Why would you. But now you have. So you can either change your name to his (wouldn't want to do that) or change children's name. You might have to seek the court's permission. I agree it would be very inconvenient to have different surnames while your DCs were young.

SpunBodgeSquarepants · 18/08/2017 15:14

I was in the same boat as you, OP, we were engaged when we had DS and split when he was nine months old. It took over a year and a half but I did eventually convince him to give permission to have DS's surname changed to mine. It meant a lot to me - he sees his dad for a few hours twice a month, I get no child maintenance - why should DS have his surname and not mine??

I still get a nice warm feeling inside when filling in forms with DS first name and OUR surname.

Notknownatthisaddress · 18/08/2017 15:19

I think people have a mental block when it comes to double barrelling. The only time it's a no go is if the two names combined sound absolutely ridiculous like BIGGE-BALLS, or something like that! But in general if you put two names together, they go together.

Ba ha ha ha ha Grin That was funny!

Also think it's bizarre that people think women lose their identity when they get married. Confused It's not the middle ages!

Also, I can't see a problem with women taking their husband's name on marriage. It doesn't take away your identity, and I can honestly say that I know a lot more secure and solid relationships where people are married (and the woman has taken the man's name,) than I do secure and solid relationships where they are unmarried with different surnames. It has been proven as well, that relationships are more likely to last if the couple are married.

I also find it weird that people think surnames are not used/not necessarily. WTF? Confused

Notknownatthisaddress · 18/08/2017 15:21

I mean

I also find it weird that people think surnames are not used/not NECESSARY

fakenamefornow · 18/08/2017 16:24

I really don't consider having a name written down on a bit of paper as 'using' it. It's basically like a bank account number - yes I need one, no the actual digits don't matter.

Ok, so if those digits/letters just happened to be in a combination that spell out 'fuckface' or something like that, it wouldn't trouble you? Afterall, 'the actual digits don't matter'.

megletthesecond · 18/08/2017 16:28

Yanbu. Xp made me give the dc's his surname and wouldn't let me double barrel it.

I've looked into it and apparently a court might let me double barrel their name without informing him (zero contact) but it's a long shot.

Lemonnaise · 18/08/2017 17:57

I changed my DDs last name to mine when I split from her dad and he abandoned her. I didn't see a lawyer or get any legal advice. I just asked her school, doctors, hospital etc if I could change it and they all agreed. Obviously legally she still has her dads name but in everyday life she is known by my surname. It's called common usage name change.

grobagsforever · 18/08/2017 17:57

notever - Have you heard of annual leave?

fakename - Taking the argument to a ridiculous extreme is not a valid contribution to a debate.

What's wrong with Mumsnet today? Normally you can a sensible, robust debate here without people being rude, questioning your employment statement or giving nonsensical examples to support their arguments.

I have a different surname to my DC because I didn't change it on marriage. My husband died 16 days after we were married. If I, as widow can say it is possible for your DC to have a different name to you and not be bothered about it, then trust me -it's true. It's all about the importance you ascribe to things. Trust me, surnames are trivial crap when compared with actual problems. I wanted the OP to see that and instead was trolled. Delightful.

OP - you have your wonderful DC and are free of stupid bastard EX. Let it go and enjoy your life.