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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate having a different surname to my DC

181 replies

RebekahGoggles · 18/08/2017 11:59

I am a single parent of 2 DCs, seperated from exDP end of last year.

When we had our DC we were engaged, so both DCs got his last name, as I just thought I would have the same last name soon. This wasn't to be so as a result my DCs have a different last name to me. I resent it everyday, as I do 90% of their care, he has them every other weekend and has little to do with their everyday schooling/appointments.

I recently took them abroad and at the airport had a few questions asked of my relationship to them. I had taken birth certificates so it was easily resolved but it left me feeling really sad.

Both our last names together don't work well as double-barelled and ex would never agree to change their last names to mine. Is there anything I can do or is this just going to bother me forever Sad

OP posts:
notevernotnevernotnohow · 18/08/2017 12:35

It's never bothered my children that they don't share my surname (in my culture women do not ever change their names)

Borodin · 18/08/2017 12:37

BertrandRussell

Women's names being their father's names while men's names are their own is a classic.

No. The men's names are also their fathers' names.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/08/2017 12:37

I seethe when its assumed that children will always take their dads name.

Even if I was engaged to dp. Any children we have are still going in my name. I wouldn't change my name on marriage, and I can't imagine having a different name to my children.
I know of this women who has 4 kids. All to different men. I'm not criticising. I've no right to. I've got quite a colourful past my self.
However all her kids are in their father's names. Thus giving them different names. I'm sorry but people talk and all that

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/08/2017 12:38

Can't you change their names to yours.
How true it is I don't know, but I'm sure you can use either mum or dads name

CrossSugarman · 18/08/2017 12:39

I think people have a mental block when it comes to double barrelling. The only time it's a no go is if the two names combined sound absolutely ridiculous like Bigge-Balls, or something like that! But in general if you put two names together, they go together.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 18/08/2017 12:40

No. The men's names are also their fathers' names

Maybe they aren't. But even if they were, then they are THEIR fathers names, ad nauseum.

Goingtobeawesome · 18/08/2017 12:41

Names and legalities confuse me. This thread has reminded me that my birth certificate has one name, my mother called me by another for a while, I reverted back to BC name just by usage and now I have my dh name.

My mother is on my birth certificate, my father isn't but she gave me his name.

Legally it would cost something but why not just change their names by usage?

Original poster
RebekahGoggles · 18/08/2017 12:42

Awwlook you need the permission of everyone with parental rights, or a court order. Unless the child is 16 or over and they can do it without permission.

OP posts:
ChickenBhuna · 18/08/2017 12:42

My dc from previous marriage have exh's name and I must say that it doesn't really bother me , it's their name and part of their Identity. Doesn't make me any less their mother. When I take them to appointments and get called Mrs exh's name it pisses me off but that's because it's not my name and it's very presumptuous to do so.

I'm due a baby with my new dp soon and we both decided that his name with be hyphenated though as for us in the here and now it's the right choice. No regrets about the past though as it's done.

sashh · 18/08/2017 12:43

I'm not gonna lie, I don't understand why, in almost every case of an unmarried couple having a baby, the baby ends up with the man's surname.

In the case of one friend she had been teased for her surname at school and the father's name was not as easy to make in to ta rude word.

OP

Can't you just start using your name for your children?

Another friend has 2 half brothers, they have been, "X known as Y" on their passports for years, although maybe that's old law.

Can't you apply to the court?

worridmum · 18/08/2017 12:44

Because she cannot legally without fathers or the courts permission.

Its one of the main red flags or perantal alienation and courts are hot on it these days.

user1471462428 · 18/08/2017 12:45

My daughter has her fathers surname as we wanted to apply for dual nationality. I grew up with a double barrelled surname and always hated it. It just made me stick out and felt like another thing that bullies could torture me for. I won't get married and change my name, I'm independently wealthy and don't like white dresses and fuss. Names don't create a close family, love and warmth do. With so many blended families around it shouldn't surprise people to come across families where the several different surnames.

Syc4moreTrees · 18/08/2017 12:45

My first two kids had the same surname as me, and when I got married my H took "my" surname because he wanted that unity, if we divorce I'm pretty confident he would just keep "my name".

In this case if it really troubles you I would ask the ExDP if he would mind for you to change to his surname, and if he does then would ask him if he minds you changing the kids names to your name (though I suspect he probably will)

BertrandRussell · 18/08/2017 12:45

"BertrandRussell

Women's names being their father's names while men's names are their own is a classic.

No. The men's names are also their fathers' names."

My point exactly. Hence the bingo card. Which also includes women's names always being ugly and hard to spell, while men's names are lovely, and that it's a good idea to give babies their fathers name because otherwise he will feel left out.

Pigface1 · 18/08/2017 12:46

I think some people on here are being a bit heartless with comments like 'I don't see why it matters' or 'just change your name to match theirs?'

The OP was engaged when she had the children, so they got their father's name UNDER THE ASSUMPTION they'd all have one name very shortly. She's now split from her fiancé - which I expect was not a pleasant experience for her - and is now facing a long life as primary carer to two children who have her ex's name. She doesn't want to change her name to her ex's because she thinks it would be weird to change her surname to that of a man she's never been married to and is no longer in a relationship with.

Can you really not see where she's coming from? Really?

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 18/08/2017 12:47

I do feel for you OP, I would absolutely hate this.

And it is why I have told my DDs', from a young age, that if they ever have a child, they should give it their own surname- whether they are married or not.

PoorYorick · 18/08/2017 12:47

I'm not gonna lie, I don't understand why, in almost every case of an unmarried couple having a baby, the baby ends up with the man's surname.

Me too. I can't see a single reason why a man should have the right to give kids his name if he won't commit to their mother, and I can't understand why women do it. Yet it happens in every case I know of.

Syc4moreTrees · 18/08/2017 12:49

Pigface what would you propose? If she wants them all to have the same name there's an easy way to do it. If she doesn't want to erode her own identity by changing her name, why would it be OK to change the children's names.

I can understand the annoyance, but really in the grand scheme of things they are still your kids and you made a decision at the time. Possibly your DP at the time wouldn't have considered the alternative at any rate.

Emboo19 · 18/08/2017 12:49

Not helpful Op, but I knew I'd feel the same as you and that's why DD got my surname. Yes it's MY surname! Yes it's also my parents surname, yes originally it was just my dads and it's my grandparents etc! But it's still mine, it formed a nickname my friends called me at school, it's on all my certifications and awards, it's MINE!

Even if I marry I won't change it, so it was a easy decision for me. If we marry DP says he'll change to ours or we'll consider all of us double barrelling. It does sound nice together and I do sometimes wish we'd done that when DD was born, as it bothers DP a bit now.

whyareusernamessodifficult · 18/08/2017 12:49

I had a friend who was in a similar position to your dc and changed her surname to match her mother's when she turned 18 but I don't think there is anything that can be done when they are still kids.

SheWhoLivesHere · 18/08/2017 12:49

Makes more sense than naming them all her name and then changing hers AND the kids after the marriage. At least that is how it will have felt at the time.

Totally disagree. My DP and I started TTC before engaged, and I was very clear that they would get my name. Once engaged, I reiterated that they would get my name if they were born before we get married. Even if I had given birth one month before the wedding, they would have had my name for 1 month. No chances taken.

VestalVirgin · 18/08/2017 12:50

I'm not married and my DDs have the dads name. I do t have a problem with this. I think it's a self confidence thing.

I am amazed how little self confidence men have, as they always need their children to have their name, despite it making no sense at all.

Because she cannot legally without fathers or the courts permission.Its one of the main red flags or perantal alienation and courts are hot on it these days.

Isn't the man alienating the children from their mother by preventing her from changing their name to match hers? That's some serious double morals here.

And that's why I'd always advise women to give their children their name. IF they get married to the dude who fathered the kids, they can always change names, then.

Original poster
RebekahGoggles · 18/08/2017 12:51

I wouldn't go as far as applying to court, I don't want to cause drama between us all and I doubt a court would grant it anyway as he isn't abusive or absent in any way and it doesn't actually affect DC at present having his name.

I appreciate what PP say about blended families and different surnames and of course it isn't uncommon but I just feel these are the DC I carried for 9 months, gave birth to, and care for. I do all the day to tasks it is me who is ironing uniforms/packing school bags/organising school trips etc. exDP picks them up fortnightly then returns to a normal single man.

I don't think he would have any objections to me sharing his name but wonder if it would be odd in the future especially if he marries and we then all share the same name.

OP posts:
grobagsforever · 18/08/2017 12:53

I have a different name to my daughters - I married their dad just before he died and I still chose not to change my name. Why? Because surnames are an outdated irrelevant concept in 2017 and rarely used in daily life. I grew my children inside of me and I raise them alone. They are mine, a surname makes not a jot of difference.

Honestly I'd just forget about it and enjoy your life. Life is waaaaay too short to stress about something so trivial.

Syc4moreTrees · 18/08/2017 12:54

Plenty of people share surnames, if you don't hate the idea of having his regardless if there ends up being a Mrs Smith somewhere down the line. it may solve your problem