To be so so sick of financially controlling DH

[raininginjuly]

I know I'm not being unreasonable but it does get me down.

I was in a part of town today and I said it was near a large supermarket and I could nip in and get some bits we needed. Cue moaning from him about it being a waste of money and can't I go to Aldi (which isn't that much cheaper.)

It's SO annoying. He's always been a penny pincher but has got so much worse over the years. I really worry about the kids being bullied because of him refusing to buy them decent stuff (luckily I do stand up to him on this.)

It sometimes feels as if we can have no fun as even if we do manage to do something nice it's like you can constantly feel him breathing down your neck.

I just don't know how to handle it or him. My own parents were the same! We have no money issues by the way - he's just stingy.

Nothing less attractive than a stingy man.

It's a deeply unattractive trait in anyone.

Get a job.

Stop asking his permission to buy things.

Squirrel away as much money as you can and leave him as soon as you can afford to,

It's not as simple as that, Sheldons , I have tried to work before but the cost of childcare combined with the horrendous stress of managing two parents working full time with absolutely no help from anybody else whatsoever nearly killed all of us.

I would suggest getting the ball rolling for divorce, he may have an epiphany and realise it will be cheaper just to have a proper partnership then shell out for a divorce and maintenance....

Do you have access to the money are do you have to ask him for it?

Night or weekend work. I wouldn't be beholden to any man I'm afraid.

If the children are at school, you pop them into pre/after school clubs which are relatively cheap and perhaps pick up one or two days a week in a supermarket or through an agency, or go to NHS bank admin staff etc, or Mollie Maid cleaners - always work if you want it hard enough.

What about part time? When he's off work so he's in charge of childcare. I would be driven insane by this.

They aren't at school. And any work I could get would just go straight back out in childcare. Anyway, not to worry.

Why do you need to consult with him about day-to-day purchases like that? Get a joint account with your own debit card or a credit card paid from the account each month.

You don't need childcare for a job with hours when your husband is at home, is what posters are saying to you. It would hardly be worth it for money but might be for feelings of control and self esteem.

Jobs can destroy self esteem as well as create it.

Then you need to work Nights or weekends. Then he can crack on with some childcare. !
Or maybe that would be something he doesn't fancy.. then he can start acting like his in an actual partnership and realise that you BOTH have jobs. He earns money outside the home which is for BOTH of you. Because you cover all the childcare this enables him to earn.. it's not HIS money to dish out and control. It belongs to you both.

Get a job - any job. Honestly, it can even just be doing Avon books if it means getting out the house and having money of your own.

As a bit of a penny pitcher myself, I can tell you that it is almost an addictive trait...I am so pleased with myself when I save on groceries....i look at the price per kilo/sheet/gram, I have no brand loyalties and buy whichever is cheapest.....saying that, I only do it so I have enough money to treat my son to lovely days out and myself to lunches out with my friends ...something's gotta give, but I'm on a tight budget, you don't sound like you are.

Look, there is really no point to me working. At best I would break even with childcare costs. And it wasn't why I posted!

This is financial abuse. It's about having control over you. Get in touch with Women's Aid for support and advice, because this man will not improve and his desire to bully and crush you will increase.

Leave off with the job thing, that's not what this post is about & it clearly wouldn't work out for the OP.

Can you give us anymore examples of his financial abuse?

at those of saying to the OP to get a job without even knowing her working circumstances or her anion circumstances!

OP you need a family account (if you haven't already for one) however I agree with a another poster there is nothing more unattractive in a man that being tight with his wallet.

Thanks for not telling me to get a job! That's it really; constant moaning about money and penny pinching which is quite stressful.

Look, there is really no point to me working. At best I would break even with childcare costs.

but childcare isn't just your expense but comes out of the household income. you probably would also get the childcare element of the tax credits unless you are on a really high family income.

people are just trying to help and if your DH is a financially abusive twat, then one way out is becoming financially independent (i.e. work).

If he's the sole earner then wanting to shop at a cheaper supermarket is a wise choice. Perhaps he's fed up of being the only earner and the stress that goes with it. Your seem insistent you can't do any form of work whatsoever and maybe he resents that.

You have 2 options:

1. tell him to stop whinging about money and back off criticising how you spend it. If this doesn't improve plan how you get out of the relationship

2. get a job

Work nights? Then do childcare all day - I suppose sleep is for wimps, is it?

And working every weekend when your partner works all week means no family time at all. Which could contribute to a breakdown in the relationship.

It's easy to throw out these half-baked 'solutions' to other people's problems.