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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so so sick of financially controlling DH

367 replies

raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 20:55

I know I'm not being unreasonable but it does get me down.

I was in a part of town today and I said it was near a large supermarket and I could nip in and get some bits we needed. Cue moaning from him about it being a waste of money and can't I go to Aldi (which isn't that much cheaper.)

It's SO annoying. He's always been a penny pincher but has got so much worse over the years. I really worry about the kids being bullied because of him refusing to buy them decent stuff (luckily I do stand up to him on this.)

It sometimes feels as if we can have no fun as even if we do manage to do something nice it's like you can constantly feel him breathing down your neck.

I just don't know how to handle it or him. My own parents were the same! We have no money issues by the way - he's just stingy.

OP posts:
Stripyhoglets · 21/07/2017 22:29

If he earns 80k then lack of money is not likely to be the reason. I'm not surprised you are pissed off tbh so yanbu.

missiondecision · 21/07/2017 22:30

You need a talk wit him about this . I know it's difficult, write it down and give it to him to read.
Tell him how you feel, if you don't try to change the situ you can't really expect him to read your mind or change his life long habits.

wherethewildthingis · 21/07/2017 22:31

Hi, sorry you've posted this in AIBU where people basically think that they should jump on you immediately. Maybe get it moved to relationships?
I'd suggest perhaps getting in touch with domestic abuse services in your area and see if they can support you to clarify how you feel about what's happening to you. You don't have to do anything or make any decisions.
This isn't your fault at all .

HeadDreamer · 21/07/2017 22:31

Well he earns the money and he thinks you not going to Aldi is wasteful. He penny pinch himself so I don't see it's financial abuse. It is the same way he would have done himself. I'm very frugal and I would be very unhappy if my SAHP wants to go to costa for coffee all the time or buy a lunch everyday. (Plenty at my work do). I pack my own lunch, and don't buy coffee out so I expect my SAHP to do the same.(DH works and has his own spending money. I don't approve of him buying fitbit, exercise bike etc. But it is his money).

I the end, you either put up with it or get your own money.

Stripyhoglets · 21/07/2017 22:31

And some people on this threads are being twats! On a combined income of 50k we got no tax credits to help with childcare ffs.

Original poster
raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 22:31

I'm not avoiding them, I'm trying to justify me not working, although I shouldn't have to.

I am not saying it is financial abuse to shop at Aldi at all. You know that's not what the example was about. It's about the fact that when someone is earning what he earns, he shouldn't be moaning about going into Morrisons for some stuff.

But do you know what, seriously, let's forget it. It's not about me not wanting to work, although I'll admit I've lost a lot of confidence. But he works 8-8, and sometimes that's weekends. How can I get a job that starts at about nine in the evening (when he's back) unless it's a night job and leave me exhausted the next day?

I do actually 'work', I have a small business. It's not massively profitable but it brings in about £500 a month. And guess what? Dh controls that too. Because it all goes in one account. And if I opened my own account I would have to live off that £500 and nothing else, same if I was working for minimum wage or working and paying nursery fees and probably end up with a formal warning for attendance when I have to take time off again, again, again because of child with a temperature, child being sick, child off colour.

How do I know? Because it's already happened.

Now, let's just leave it, I've got better things to do than read unpleasant, spite filled comments on here.

OP posts:
ChicRock · 21/07/2017 22:32

Yeah yeah we get it - you don't want to work, there are a bazillion reasons why you can't.

And quite frankly, suggesting that the sole earner preferring to shop at Aldi to save some money means he's financially abusive is ridiculous.

As for the other example - being worried the kids will be bullied because he refuses to buy them "decent stuff" - they're pre-school age, bullied for not having decent stuff at the ages of what... 2 and 3, you're having a laugh?!Confused

lelapaletute · 21/07/2017 22:33

OP did you work before you had kids and what as? What does your husband do? Did you have any discussion of how money would be managed before you got pregnant/gave up work?

What does he do with the money he saves by scrimping - does it just pile up in savings or go on things for himself or for less tangible family stuff like holidays, music lessons etc? Do you have expensive mortgage or costly plans for the future? Is he saving for DCs' uni/private school?

Does he give you cash/transfer money to a you for things or do you have access to the money by a joint account? If you are able to access the money without his sayso and he's just moaning, what would happen if you just refused to be gut tripped, did a tinkly laugh and bought what you wanted? Does he punish you in other ways or is it just relentless moaning? Would logic work - could you just keep a running awareness of your current account/savings account balances and remind him every time he kvetches that you are very comfortably off and there is no reason for him to quibble other than meanness?

I think the answers to these questions will go a long way to clearing up if he is being controlling or just prudent tbh. I also think if you went into becoming a SAHM without negotiating the money situation explicityly, especially knowing what he was like with money, you were very unwise and need to address this with a serious discussion pronto.

Bluntness100 · 21/07/2017 22:33

I don't really understand why you would be paying for all child care if you worked? Surely it's a joint expense that you both cover? As such if you were bringing money in you would have more say over how it was spent?

Also do your children have additional needs? Millions of families both parents work and it's not end of the world level of stressful. Yes it's difficult at time, as it's often difficult if one doesn't work and you work out how to deal with sick days together.

We managed with no support, and we weren't alone. It's quite normal. If you wish to stay in the marriage and feel this is an issue, then get a job and share the childcare costs. They are what they are. You soon get into 30 hours free nursery and then they go to school

Dumdedumdum · 21/07/2017 22:33

Op hasn't explained if she has full access to family money or has to ask for it. If there's a joint account or not. Someone moaning is unpleasant but if you can ultimately override him then that's liveable with, if you don't actually have the ability to spend money then it's not.

Gettingonwithit1 · 21/07/2017 22:34

Please own your decisions. Buy what you need and know to be affordable. If he has an issue,ask him to explain what his issue is. If he wants to do all the shopping, then maybe write him a list? If you follow his rules, it will destroy you and cause resentment. You need to him to take ownership of his issues around financial control.

missadasmith · 21/07/2017 22:37

Because it all goes in one account.

sounds like a joint account to me.

And working with children is possible. plenty of families do without support. even lone parents.

Newdad19 · 21/07/2017 22:37

OP ask to have this thread moved to relationships.

Theres some right fucking cretins came out tonight looking to rile you up.

missiondecision · 21/07/2017 22:37

Some people are so mean. Chic havevypu ahd s bad day ?

missiondecision · 21/07/2017 22:37

Have you had a bad day ?

limon · 21/07/2017 22:37

This isn't about penny pinching or being frugal it's financial abuse if you have to consult him about what you spend

Utter tosh. Dh and I consult each other about what we spend.

Amd724 · 21/07/2017 22:38

OP, I think people are being unnecessarily unkind. It does sound like he's controlling with money. How would you only have £500 to live on if you decided to put that in your own account? If you're a partnership, you both sit down together and go through how much you'll spend on each thing, and what the household needs to be run. Him complaining constantly that you want to buy nicer clothes for your children isn't helpful at all. We earn jointly about £70K a year, and the last thing we do is scrimp on Aldi vs. Morrisons. We also don't know much about your living situation, such as where you live, because that would have a huge factor in whether he's being controlling or prudent. If you're in the centre of London, £80K a year with a high mortgage, children costs, etc. would mean that you'd need to budget significantly more than someone in a different part of the country.

Are you able to see the balances in your accounts? Do you have accounts in your own name? So if something happened you'd be able to leave, without a problem? A credit card in your own name?

BrazillaBells · 21/07/2017 22:39

So is this a joint account or an account only DH can access?

Original poster
raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 22:39

Please, can we just let it drop? I appreciate the supportive posts. I a, sure many people with children work,but I a, afraid mine kept getting ill and I had to keep taking time off and it didn't go down too well at work. So eventually we decided I should stay at home.

If I decide to work, the childcare still comes out of the account and leaves us/me no better off. I really don't understand this 'paying half' business.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 21/07/2017 22:39

"I'm very frugal and I would be very unhappy if my SAHP wants to go to costa for coffee all the time or buy a lunch everyday."

But presumably a stay at home parent has given up their job to look after the other parent's child. Is it really fair for them to have to forego those little pleasures if they can afford them?

Ropsleybunny · 21/07/2017 22:40

If your arrangement is that you are a SAHP that's your business. What isn't working is how he is about money. My advice is to refuse to allow him to bully you, from now on. Stand up to him and take control of your half of the finances. If he wants food from Aldi tell him to go. You really have to start now as you mean to go on.

wherethewildthingis · 21/07/2017 22:41

Good god what a bunch of twats, hope you're proud of yourselves , a vulnerable upset woman posted here for support and you've behaved like arseholes

lelapaletute · 21/07/2017 22:43

OP the let it drop stuff is silly. If the conversation isn't going the way you want it to or you've lost interest, turn of notificationsand stop checking the thread, or request MN to delete the thread and forget about it. Otherwise, you asked a question, people are giving you answers! You don't get to dictate the terms of that exchange so people can only comment if they're telling you what you want to hear.

limon · 21/07/2017 22:44

I do actually 'work', I have a small business. It's not massively profitable but it brings in about £500 a month. And guess what? Dh controls that too. Because it all goes in one account.

So you have a joint account that you both have access to? How does he control it?

And if I opened my own account I would have to live off that £500 and nothing else

Would bills and living expenses not be paid from his earnings?

yoyopoppop · 21/07/2017 22:45

As such if you were bringing money in you would have more say over how it was spent

Why should you only get a say in how family money is spent if you're the one working? They've made a JOINT decision for her to be a SAHM.