Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so so sick of financially controlling DH

367 replies

raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 20:55

I know I'm not being unreasonable but it does get me down.

I was in a part of town today and I said it was near a large supermarket and I could nip in and get some bits we needed. Cue moaning from him about it being a waste of money and can't I go to Aldi (which isn't that much cheaper.)

It's SO annoying. He's always been a penny pincher but has got so much worse over the years. I really worry about the kids being bullied because of him refusing to buy them decent stuff (luckily I do stand up to him on this.)

It sometimes feels as if we can have no fun as even if we do manage to do something nice it's like you can constantly feel him breathing down your neck.

I just don't know how to handle it or him. My own parents were the same! We have no money issues by the way - he's just stingy.

OP posts:
Original poster
raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 22:09

Well, precisely.

We aren't entitled to any form of tax credits (why do people think everyone with children is entitled? Only if your income is VERY low) and in all honesty I would probably LOSE money.

Working evenings and weekends would be incredibly disruptive. And it's a bit rich that I have to go out and do that in a minimum wage job to stop dh groaning and moaning about ordinary family expenses.

I did work, but the incredible stress of having to take time off when a child was ill, combined with high childcare costs, meant I stopped.

OP posts:
ItsOutThere · 21/07/2017 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BunloafAndCrumpets · 21/07/2017 22:10

Why is everyone telling OP to get a job?! This is bonkers. She has a job, working in her home caring for their children. The money he earns should be regarded as household money.

Op can you do a budget with your H? Work out what you aim to spend on household stuff, children stuff, and then you and he each hve some spending money. The money is for all of you and you need to be able to access it equally. If he won't let you, yes it's abuse, I wouldn't be able to stay. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

ItsOutThere · 21/07/2017 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 21/07/2017 22:12

Is pointing out that Aldi is cheaper really financial abuse?

Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear but I agree with those saying get yourself a job. Anything.

Original poster
raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 22:13

Getting a job is not the answer.

And the point with Aldi was that even something like going to Morrisons leads to him moaning but I suppose I am stuck with it.

OP posts:
soulsearch1ng · 21/07/2017 22:14

why do people think everyone with children is entitled? Only if your income is VERY low)

that is not the case. We had substantial help through the childcare element even though we were definitely not on a very low income.

you are moaning about his tightness yet make every possible excuse not to work. Confused

dontsufferfools · 21/07/2017 22:15

You're not stuck with it unless you choose to be.

Financial ABUSE. How else does he abuse you?

There's always a way out xx

soulsearch1ng · 21/07/2017 22:16

also, what do you define as financial abuse? the suggestion of shopping at Aldi is not financial abuse.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 21/07/2017 22:16

Well. You knew what he was like when you married him.
All this 'I cant work' woe is me stuff, I find it very difficult to garner any sympathy for anyone who whines and whinges but won't take any steps to help themselves.

You're DH isn't a spend thrift and sticks to budget. If that's not to your liking then either earn your own money or continue to accept the fat you are reliant upon him.

Tax credit information - but I doubt you'll look - in case it is financially viable for you to be able to work.

[https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/child-tax-credit]

Original poster
raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 22:18

Soul, we are not entitled. I don't know what you class as a low income, but I believe it's around £26,000 which for two people does seem low to me, but we are all different.

I'm afraid I have no support at all and young, young children. If I worked, they would be in nursery 8-5, 5 days a week. Obviously if you have to do this, that's fine and worse things happen at sea but it seems a shame to do so only to come home with nothing because of childcare costs.

Working evenings or weekends would be incredibly disruptive and in any case my husband works some weekends so that's not an answer either.

OP posts:
Original poster
raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 22:18

There is no way on an income of around £80,000 we are entitled to TCs.

OP posts:
Original poster
raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 22:19

I don't need to look to know that much.

OP posts:
Newdad19 · 21/07/2017 22:19

All this get a job stuff is a load of bollocks. You know nothing detailed about their actual financial situation and whether or not it would make any financial sense to get a job.

Likewise, your a partnership and you shouldnt need to work to be entitled to have a say in what you want to spend it on.

You need a serious chat with him and a joint account for grocery/entertainment money that you have access to - not a job.

gillybeanz · 21/07/2017 22:21

This isn't about penny pinching or being frugal it's financial abuse if you have to consult him about what you spend.
Until recently I was a sahm in total for 25 years, both me and dh are frugal by nature but that doesn't mean i don't have full access to ALL money and spend as I seem fit.
My dh said right from the start he wouldn't give me an allowance or housekeeping money as it wasn't his to give.
Yes, your dp and my dh earn the money, it's our job to manage it for the family.
Posters are saying get a job so you will be able to have your own money and not be beholden to him as he obviously doesn't see it as family money, but his.
This won't improve unless you talk to him and maybe give him an ultimatum. Tell him how it will be or divorce him.

Butterymuffin · 21/07/2017 22:22

He earns 80k and moans about you shopping at Morrisons? LTB and get the divorce courts to make him pay properly to support his kids, the stingy git.

missadasmith · 21/07/2017 22:23

the tax credit thresholds change when you factor childcare in.

but you obviously don't want to work. No idea why you posted. Poor you. Not working but having to shop at Aldi.

no idea why you posted.

BrazillaBells · 21/07/2017 22:23

OP Why are you avoiding posters who are asking you for other examples?

Suggesting shopping in a cheaper super market is not abuse!

I fucking hate how that word is casually thrown around on MN! Angry

soulsearch1ng · 21/07/2017 22:25

if he is on 80k you could easily afford childcare though, esp if you return to work and earn as well. you said this was too expensive.

friendlysnakehere · 21/07/2017 22:25

Why do people suggest that the op get a job rather than adress the controlling, moaning husband?

friendlysnakehere · 21/07/2017 22:26

Talk about victim blaming.

limon · 21/07/2017 22:27

If he's the sole earner then wanting to shop at a cheaper supermarket is a wise choice. Perhaps he's fed up of being the only earner and the stress that goes with it. Your seem insistent you can't do any form of work whatsoever and maybe he resents that.

There may well be some truth in this.

What you describe doesnt sound like financial abuse to me if I'm honest. It soumds like a mis match in how you handle money.

dontsufferfools · 21/07/2017 22:27

Good point Brazilla.

Generally there's more than one form of "abuse". OP's chosen to ignore that question.

Has posted about how much they earn though! Odd.

missiondecision · 21/07/2017 22:28

How do pay household expenses and groceries?
Does he give an allowance ? If you've have to justify every pound.... fuck that for a laugh you are meant to be equals.

Newdad19 · 21/07/2017 22:29

What part of it are you not getting? Her husband may earn 200k but if she goes to work and earns 16k a year and it costs her 16k a year on childcare then that cost is negated and does not make financial sense to commit to. Thats before factoring in the physical stress and managing the logistics of 2 parents at work.

Im actually baffled that people think this is even an argument here. She is a Sahp (which her husband has clearly.obviously agreed to). She should be entitled to.joint family finances without needing to have a job for her "own money" or some sort of right to them.

And for those making comments about ignoring requests for other examples I would suggest you go back and read the OP. There was 2 other examples in thst alone with refusing to buy kids stuff and breathing down necks on days out.

Actually baffled at this.plsce at times.

Swipe left for the next trending thread