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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so so sick of financially controlling DH

367 replies

raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 20:55

I know I'm not being unreasonable but it does get me down.

I was in a part of town today and I said it was near a large supermarket and I could nip in and get some bits we needed. Cue moaning from him about it being a waste of money and can't I go to Aldi (which isn't that much cheaper.)

It's SO annoying. He's always been a penny pincher but has got so much worse over the years. I really worry about the kids being bullied because of him refusing to buy them decent stuff (luckily I do stand up to him on this.)

It sometimes feels as if we can have no fun as even if we do manage to do something nice it's like you can constantly feel him breathing down your neck.

I just don't know how to handle it or him. My own parents were the same! We have no money issues by the way - he's just stingy.

OP posts:

BrazillaBells · 21/07/2017 22:57

I'm sorry, I don't see this as abuse. Do you really need to ask for permission? Or like most normal couples do you consult what money should be spent on?

Seems to me like DH is careful with money not controlling. Just because someone earns 80k doesn't mean they have to waste money by shopping in more expensive supermarkets when cheaper options are available.

limon · 21/07/2017 22:57

Do you ask him every time you pop to Sainsbury's? To the post office? To buy some new pants?

We budget for all those things. If something extra comes up in-month we talk to each other about it.

limon · 21/07/2017 22:59

*sorry, I don't see this as abuse. Do youreallyneed to ask for permission? Or like most normal couples do you consult what money should be spent on?

This!

We are on a little less than OP and we do our shopping in Aldi and Lidl.

yoyopoppop · 21/07/2017 22:59

Crikey limon, that's intense. Horses for courses though. Me and dh have a joint account and a similar income to the OP and we both pretty much spend freely and only discuss big stuff.

Dumdedumdum · 21/07/2017 23:00

It was frickin Morrisons. She wasn't popping into Waitrose for some naice ham.

Ropsleybunny · 21/07/2017 23:00

I'd go completely mental if, as a grown woman, I had to ask someone every time I needed to spend money. It would be entirely different if someone was popping out and blowing the budget on god knows what but the OP was buying groceries FFS.

BrazillaBells · 21/07/2017 23:00

Limon We are similar.

If DH says we need something, I'll say why don't we go to Aldi, it's cheaper there? Does that make me abusive or controlling? Or am I someone who doesn't like to waste money when it's not necessary?

Dementedswan · 21/07/2017 23:00

Umm forgive me if this has been answered but why should OP work nights after looking after THEIR children all day? So she runs after kids all day, tucks them up in bed when dh comes home, goes off to work whilst he chills out with sleeping children. Gets home to look after children whilst he goes to work.

When does OP sleep?

Sara107 · 21/07/2017 23:01

Well, you shouldn't have to explain what you've spent if it's reasonable ( ie family groceries not a pair of £200 shoes). If he complains about the grocery bill, suggest that he does the weekly shop himself? I can understand people suggesting a job as it does give some financial independence but actually it doesn't address the stingy husband. It just means that you end up paying for everything yourself, while 'his' money is retained for him. Can you discuss it with him? Agree a budget that he is happy with and he won't then micromanage how you are spending it?

MyCalmX · 21/07/2017 23:01

I think the get a job posts are so OP is contributing financially and can say to her dh actually I'll pick this up from here instead of asking his permission.

I personally don't think you are thinking long term OP. Why can't your dh go part time, why does it all fall to.you when dc are ill?

I earn more than dh, no way would I give that up to be in your situation.

Ropsleybunny · 21/07/2017 23:01

Do couples really consult each other when one of them thinks to buy some milk?

limon · 21/07/2017 23:03

Crikey limon, that's intense. Horses for courses though. Me and dh have a joint account and a similar income to the OP and we both pretty much spend freely and only discuss big stuff

What if you both soend £50 x 4 each in a month over and above budget - do youngo overdrawn? Are you both good at making sure theres enougj in the account to last the month?

yoyopoppop · 21/07/2017 23:03

I think the get a job posts are so OP is contributing financially and can say to her dh actually I'll pick this up from here instead of asking his permission

OR he could stop making her feel like she has to ask for permission and that it's not HIS money it's FAMILY money.

pawpatrolfan · 21/07/2017 23:03

Maybe you DH is anxious about money

£80k is peanuts for a family
Of 4 in London. It's £4.5k after tax and most mortgages are £2k min now.

Get a job and take responsibility. He's probably anxious and didn't want to be the sole earner

I think women are too hard on men.
IME most men don't want to be the sole provider. They don't like everyone having fun while they work FT and don't enjoy the stress and pressure of it.

Contribute and he can relax and your relationship will improve.

Childcare can be sorted just change your attitude.

Smallangryplanet · 21/07/2017 23:04

You don't need to justify why you stay at home. We are ucky that my DH can stay home over the summer holidays. The money I earn is there to be spent by us both. I'd never buy prepared vegetables because they are a waste of money, DH does (shrug). He also make a special trip to get the coffee whitener I like. I believe in living within your means, I couldn't live with a miser.

Original poster

raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 23:04

Dh would never go part time in a million years.

Why do posters think a man who moans about nipping to Morrisons will suddenly smile and say 'yes, dear, it's 2017, we should consider me going part time, on the days I am not at work I will of course do all childcare duties and whip up a three course dinner with ingredients from Aldi and Lidl for your delight.'

OP posts:

Original poster

raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 23:04

We're nowhere near London.

OP posts:

InvisableLobstee · 21/07/2017 23:04

I bet if she got a job he would expect her to put the money in the joint account and still moan at her for living it up at Morrison's.

yoyopoppop · 21/07/2017 23:04

What if you both soend £50 x 4 each in a month over and above budget - do youngo overdrawn? Are you both good at making sure theres enougj in the account to last the month?

I'm sure some months we spend more and some months we spend less, it all kind of evens out. If it looks like we're spending too much we both reign it in for a few months.

BrazillaBells · 21/07/2017 23:05

Also I've noticed from your OP, your DH doesn't even say no or refuse you anything. He grumbles and asks why not go to a cheaper place?

limon · 21/07/2017 23:05

If DH says we need something, I'll say why don't we go to Aldi, it's cheaper there? Does that make me abusive or controlling? Or am I someone who doesn't like to waste money when it's not necessary?

Seems totally reasonable to me.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/07/2017 23:05

If you routinely have to explain every small item of expenditure then yes he is financially controlling. What happens when you simply say - it was needed or that as you are a family unit who agreed you would be the home worker so he could be the career worker then its your money as much as his?
Agree with others - may be best to move this thread to relationships.

MyCalmX · 21/07/2017 23:06

Why would you marry a man like that???

Ffs. You're actually happy to live in 1950 so nothing anyone says on here can help you??

dontsufferfools · 21/07/2017 23:07

Do you have any debt raining? Is that what he's worried about?

Original poster

raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 23:07

No debt

OP posts:

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