To be so so sick of financially controlling DH

[raininginjuly]

I know I'm not being unreasonable but it does get me down.

I was in a part of town today and I said it was near a large supermarket and I could nip in and get some bits we needed. Cue moaning from him about it being a waste of money and can't I go to Aldi (which isn't that much cheaper.)

It's SO annoying. He's always been a penny pincher but has got so much worse over the years. I really worry about the kids being bullied because of him refusing to buy them decent stuff (luckily I do stand up to him on this.)

It sometimes feels as if we can have no fun as even if we do manage to do something nice it's like you can constantly feel him breathing down your neck.

I just don't know how to handle it or him. My own parents were the same! We have no money issues by the way - he's just stingy.

I was in your position once and I got it resolved by demanding extra but justified it with what I would spend it on. I was a stay at home mums for 3 years. Then I managed to get a top paying job (I earn equal to dh now). I know I am incredibly fortunate. I absolutely value sahm but I know from experience that dh's respect for me rose when I went back to work. Its not right but things absolutely equalised as soon as I went back. He doesn't dare give me shit now and if I need to go out and take time off and spend what I want I have much better negotiation power in the family dynamics.

For your own future investment, I'd seriously look to going back to work even if it was a negative and have your dh soak up the cost of childcare. Equal in ways right?

I'm sorry op, this sounds really frustrating and other posters are being very unfair. I'd go completely mental if, as a grown woman, I had to ask someone every time I needed to spend money. It would be entirely different if someone was popping out and blowing the budget on god knows what but the OP was buying groceries FFS.. -this!

What would happen if you blew your top? Said I'm fucking buying groceries for your children and if you care that much you can do the shopping - I will not. Fucking. Justify every penny I spend to you Anymore. Pick a weeknight - to save our marriage we can have one conversation about money a week. The rest of the time, if you say anything you are responsible for t, and if you don't do it well enough or if you outfit our dc in cheap crap I will need to replace in a week I will tell you and you will have to fix it!! Go on - let it all out! I can't see anything to gain by not.

Look, I can see I am going to need to keep explaining myself but I'll try again.

Full time work really does not work for our family at the moment. I did work, when we had our first. It was made incredibly difficult for me as I had such awful PND I could barely see straight and I made a lot of mistakes retrospectively that to be totally honest should probably have warranted a dismissal. My employers were kind, though it didn't feel that way at the time, and 'suggested' I resign. Black mark no 1.

Dh then decided to further HIS opportunities by moving. I of course went with him along with young toddler. I got a job. Go me. I fucked up again. I don't think that was entirely my fault. Obviously I could have done some stuff far better (couldn't we all) but where I was was struggling anyway.

We moved back. I got another job. It went wrong again (yes, i do think I contributed that time.) I just couldn't get another one. It nearly killed my mind, body and soul trying but I think there quick moves went against me. Then a bereavement - the last bit of 'support' I had which actually wasn't that supportive but you know, was there - and a pregnancy that didn't go ahead and I just couldn't. I was beaten mind, body and soul. Went very passive for a long time. Just accepted what happened, got very involved in some hobbies that didn't involve actually seeing people Had more children. I felt myself loving again and opening up. Obviously love firstborn but you get used to that. Having another baby felt,like a part of me that was frozen thawed. I felt like a lioness. I felt strong again.

So work fit in. I did try again when youngest was quite young - under 1. It was temp work but I managed. But no financial rewards and up early, sorting children, back late, nurseries and schools and stressed children, ringing work because DCs were ill, phone calls to collect as Dc had been sick or had a temperature ... I couldn't do it. Maybe this makes me weak, but I couldn't.

So I stopped work. With the full delight consent of dh, by the way.

So here we are. £80,000 p/a and a poster suggests I get about £50 a week.

What's his relationship with the kids like? Does he play a full part in looking after them? Does he spend much time with them?

I think you are selling your kids a bit short by assuming they'd just go with him. I can understand that because you're depressed and low in confidence now. But it's stopping you thinking that leaving him is an answer.

OP you don't need to explain yourself, just ignore any posters who have not bothered to read your points. Can you get this moved to relationships. AIBU is brutal. Some people just fancy an argument, I think.

Good luck.

@Lucysky2017 - no matter how many times you parrot that comment out, it simply isn't helpful.

Lucy. RTFT!

OP - You have explained your position well. It's clear to me he's acting unreasonably. If he can happily spend money on unnecessary high value items without consultation, yet he quizzes you over every penny, berating you for small grocery purchases from Morrisons (that well known luxury store), and ramps up the control whenever you've tried to raise the issue, that is financial abuse, and he's a nasty piece of work. Even if magically you could earn 10x his salary (like Lucy) it wouldn't change his character and so wouldn't really be a solution. I think you either need to give an ultimatum, or if you believe you're beyond that point, make plans to leave. I understand your anxieties about your children though. Would he really want them living with him though if you did split? He couldn't realistically work the hours he does currently, and have to do all the aspects of parenting (getting them ready for school in the mornings, taking time off when they're ill, sorting out homework etc) that I guess he leaves to you.

Oh another user lots of numbers with no comprehension skills.

I'm not sure if he'd want all the children but I can imagine there being a horrible split with siblings taking sides.

The thing is, money can fill in the cracks of poor parenting to a large extent.

I don't know what to make
Of this. To me seems far to early to talk of splitting up over this. Everyone has flaws.

I mean his AIBU would be you not able to hold down a job probably? That would drive my modern DH nuts having a wife who wasn't prepared to work - tbh my DH would leave me.

I would sort out depression. Schedule
Some time fo yourself - maybe yoga, clubbercise class or a regular date night with DH so you're connected well

Then get a new job. Agree he will pay childcare for it or whatever. Discuss th budget before as this is important to him (although not so much to you).

Then review the situation at 1,3,6 months.

If his mother is supportive of you generally and has influence over him, get her confidence that this is really what you want and then that will encourage him to support you too, even though in the past it hasn't worked

As part of the new budget you draw up, there is 3h weekly cleaning & after school clubs & launderette trip on Saturday morning for the weeks laundry

Do not act like a victim here it's a slippery slope.

Am a bit bemused by posters who think that a man who begrudges his wife money for basics is going to magically step up and pay 50% of the childcare and do 50% of the taking time off work when children are sick. Also bemused by the hard time the OP is not getting for holding down a job when it is quite clearly benefiting him greatly that she doesnt have a job because he doesnt have to worry about the children being sick etc. Also I think OP stated that as a family they would not be any better off financially by her going to work as a family as whatever she brought in would be swallowed up in childcare. All that stress for no financial gain? No point really.

Lucy I think its great in your world that you can earn 10 x a partner. It really is. But given that living wage is £7.50/hour just how many people do you think are in a position to earn at least £75 an hour? Your comment just isnt valid to the majority of people. I work ft. I will never match what my dh earns and he works p/t.

I am prepared to work

His mother has been dead some 30 years.

I would certainly seek legal advice and find out financially where you would stand. You are clearly the main carer and that would remain the status quo until your DC are 12ish and they were adamant they wanted to live predominantly with you leave H.

It would be reasonable with his salary once you and the DC are housed that spousal maintenance could be awarded in addition to CM.

I think the uncertainty of leaving is better for you and the DC than the inevitability of staying.

It must be awful for you. Feel free to start a thread in the other place if you need a more confidential place to seek support. You are not alone!

I hope you don't mind me saying this but would you consider counselling or getting antidepressants? Sounds like it would really help lift your mood a little just to think of ways to move forward. Your messages feel like you're unhappy but you don't know where to start. IMO working on increasing your self esteem is the first step.

And remember....you are running a household on a limited budget of sorts having dealt/dealing with PND....you already rock! You just don't know it :)

Thanks for kind posts, they do really help

I find ADs exacerbate those 'flat' feelings- I am on them at the moment but I try not to take them too often. Only when I really have trouble sleeping.

Counselling, I don't know ... I am wary. And I would have to pay for it!

I really don't think he could keep up a Lord bountiful act for long with his dcs in the event of a split, sooner or later the penny pinching would rear its head. He also wouldn't be as wealthy once supporting two households so I doubt he'd be showering them stuff. And children really can see through that sort of thing.

I would speak to your doc about the options you have. He could put you on the waiting list with nhs. Might take a while but better than nothing? If the tablets are not working for you-that also needs to be discussed. I know what you mean about feeling nothing on AD. I've used them myself. The face to face counselling (CBT) really helped me too :)

I don't know Dum

He wouldn't have to actually pay much towards their upkeep - 'much' in a relative sense, you understand. As it's worked out percentage wise so for those on lower incomes it is a lot but actually means those on higher incomes keep a lot of their salary. And obviously the more he had the children the less he'd have to pay.

Plus, I don't know if I could stand being a single mum, with no support or help at all from anybody. It's hard enough now sometimes with 'support' and I know dh isn't supportive when it comes to ill children and the like but he is support after a fashion because having him here means it's not a problem. Ill child - no biggie, as I don't have to work.

And he's not an arsehole all the time. When I haven't pissed him off (and don't worry, I'm rolling my eyes too) he is just lovely, and over the years I have developed quite a skill in not pissing him off. These days, if I do piss him off, it's generally on purpose. Oh, on occasion he'll fabricate something but that's quite unusual now. (It used to happen a lot.)

OP.

I recognise the work and confidence thing. I struggled going back, but luckily had a supportive DH and am back now. I'm in no way suggesting that you should work, but it seems as though you need to find some sort of way to get confidence in your own ability back. No idea how, but is it worth focusing on that so you can decide what to do next without fear of not being able to cope clouding your judgement?

I'm sure work can create that confidence but it can also destroy it.

I do need to have a think about "what I want to do when I grow up" but the problems of ill children and sorting childcare and paying for childcare will hold whether I'm with dh or not.

Do you think it's salvageable?
He does seem controlling and mean spirited, especially because he seems to "reward" you with things when all is well and then "punish" you with questions about choosing different supermarkets when you've pissed him off.

Have you tried having a proper discussion with him and telling him you feel humiliated and demeaned when he nit-picks at your spending? Either he wants to control you or he doesn't trust you. Neither is acceptable in a balanced relationship. You do work full time as a SaHM and you should be a team with equal access to all the money. can you tell him that you won't be explaining anything about how you spend money again if it's under £500 or something? That he needs to trust you?

over the years I have developed quite a skill in not pissing him = walking on eggshells
Oh, on occasion he'll fabricate something but that's quite unusual now. (It used to happen a lot = gaslighting.
Controlling all the money including your earnings= financial abuse.
I know you said you don't want to be a single mum, but surely you don't want to raise dc to learn to not to "piss dad off"?
I really think you should call women's aid and discuss this with an impartial advisor.
It sounds abusive to me.

Thanks, I have, but custody remains an issue

Haven't read the whole thread but I totally get where you are coming from as I'm in the same situation.

It's a difficult situation. If your partner earns over a certain threshold you-'re not entitled to any TC's annoyingly.

Sorry I can't give you much advice but I YANBU x