Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so so sick of financially controlling DH

367 replies

raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 20:55

I know I'm not being unreasonable but it does get me down.

I was in a part of town today and I said it was near a large supermarket and I could nip in and get some bits we needed. Cue moaning from him about it being a waste of money and can't I go to Aldi (which isn't that much cheaper.)

It's SO annoying. He's always been a penny pincher but has got so much worse over the years. I really worry about the kids being bullied because of him refusing to buy them decent stuff (luckily I do stand up to him on this.)

It sometimes feels as if we can have no fun as even if we do manage to do something nice it's like you can constantly feel him breathing down your neck.

I just don't know how to handle it or him. My own parents were the same! We have no money issues by the way - he's just stingy.

OP posts:
Original poster
raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 23:08

He wasn't like that when I married him, MrCalm

OP posts:
limon · 21/07/2017 23:10

I think women are too hard on men.
IME most men don't want to be the sole provider. They don't like everyone having fun while they work FT and don't enjoy the stress and pressure of it.

I agree. I am a woman and dh has veen a sahp working 1 day a week for the last 4 years. Its bloody hard being the wage earner. Its also hard to feel all the responsibility for keeping the family afloat financially. I think a lot of sahp forget that and think us wage earners have an easy life.

dontsufferfools · 21/07/2017 23:11

Then you're being financially abused.

No money worries. I dont have any and DH discuss everything but spend what we like.

I wouldnt even bother telling him I was popping into a shop. I'd just do it and tell him when I asked him to unpack the bags from the boot of my car!!

I hope he's genuinely not abusing you in any other way.

Ladybirdbookworm · 21/07/2017 23:14

The OP didn't say her husband was financially abusive .......someone else said he wasn't and then that started the ball rolling...
I'm sure she didn't just give up her career to lie in bed all day eating Bon Bons.
She has a job - looking after their children which is one of the hardest jobs in the world - she's moaning about a tight wad husband not arguing her right to a life of living off his earnings .

BrazillaBells · 21/07/2017 23:15

I hope he's genuinely not abusing you in any other way

A man has moaned about going to Morrisons and suggests Aldi instead and this ^ is what you get from that?

MH hysteria at its finest!

user1476869312 · 21/07/2017 23:15

And Op does work - she is bringing in £500 a month, yet this man complains about her buying the children clothes.

Gettingonwithit1 · 21/07/2017 23:16

Can't believe he thinks morrisons is one step down from Harrods! Are you allowed to buy yourself any clothes? Does he discuss his purchases with you and can you scrutinise them as he does yours?

limon · 21/07/2017 23:16

The OP didn't say her husband was financially abusive

The thread title says financially controlling.

Original poster
raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 23:18

Limon, can you just quit being so bloody nasty? You too, Brazilla. I'm absolutely sick of it now. I have done nothing other than have the temerity to be a mum staying at home with kids, like thousands of others do.

OP posts:
Oswin · 21/07/2017 23:19

Holy fucking shit. Are people not reading the ops posts?!

She has worked he left her to do it fucking all. If he is not going to step up then of course she can't work.

She does bring money in. He controls it all!!!

That's normal is it? One person having complete control over the money.

And absolute bollocks does he want her to work. What a load of fucking sahm hating misogynistic bullshit.
If he wanted her to work then I'm guessing he would of stepped up when she tried it before. But he didn't did he?

Op honestly I would ignore this thread till tomorrow. And I would be planning to get the fuck outta there.

Newdad19 · 21/07/2017 23:20

And limon I think your conveniently forgetting that sahp's arent living it large at home either.

Yes the responsibilities are different - the working parent is out earning the cash to keep the house a float, but the sahp is keeping the cogs turning at home and looking after the kids.

Tbh your last post has spoken volumes and its quite clear you maybe just have a chip in your shoulder about the fact OP is a sahp.

limon · 21/07/2017 23:20

Im bot being nasty!

Youve been very unclear and drip fed as well as now saying you have a joint account!

Dont come on to aibu amd call people nasty when they dont agrew with yoi!

BrazillaBells · 21/07/2017 23:20

Rain How am I being nasty at all?

PrincessFiorimonde · 21/07/2017 23:20

I do actually 'work', I have a small business. It's not massively profitable but it brings in about £500 a month. And guess what? Dh controls that too. Because it all goes in one account. And if I opened my own account I would have to live off that £500 and nothing else, same if I was working for minimum wage or working and paying nursery fees and probably end up with a formal warning for attendance when I have to take time off again, again, again because of child with a temperature, child being sick, child off colour.

How do I know? Because it's already happened.

OP, this really doesn't sound right. And it does sound as if your DH is financially controlling, as per your opening post.

Honestly, there is no reason why you should live like this. There is no reason on this planet why a DH should control the spending of his DW in this way - or control what you spend on what your children need!

If your DH won't talk to you about this, then at least please seek advice from someone impartial, e.g. a marriage counsellor.

I wish you the best of luck, because this sounds like a dreadful position to be in Flowers

Newdad19 · 21/07/2017 23:21

Brazilla the only hysteria going on here is that ignorant people like you are seriously trying to suggest the OP has some less equal right to the joint money unless she has a job of her own.

Absolutely ludicrous

limon · 21/07/2017 23:21

Newdad19

And limon I think your conveniently forgetting that sahp's arent living it large at home either.

I disnt doe one minute sughesr that i think they are. Although dh tells me he has had a whale of a time and feels grateful to jabe had the chance

friendlysnakehere · 21/07/2017 23:22

limon you have proved my point, stop bringing your issues to the thread.

Some really nasty posters flocking on to this thread tonight, step back and question your motives for laying in to someone asking for help.

Newdad19 · 21/07/2017 23:23

Limon, you are being nasty. Its not about the fact you are disagreeing - pretty sure a few others have also disagreed but managed to do it without your horrible tone and sweeping generalisations regarding sahp's.

Maybe have a look back and take note of the fact quite a few people are taken exception to your posts.

friendlysnakehere · 21/07/2017 23:23

'Grateful' for being a sahp? Grin

Dumdedumdum · 21/07/2017 23:23

I think it is less stressful to work full time and have a parent at home than it is to both work and have all the running around to do. I have been in both positions and it was a joy to know dp was at home with the children. As long as there is enough money coming in of course, but that doesn't seem to be an issue here.
What happens if you tell him to stop being such a tight wad? Can you talk like that or are there repercussions?

Loopytiles · 21/07/2017 23:24

Do you have access to his earnings, eg a joint account? If not, from what you say it's likely your H is financially abusive.

You say that if you paid your earnings into a sole account then you would "have to" live only off that. Is that because your H would withdraw funds? If so then he is financially abusive.

If he is indeed abusive in this way then returning to WoH is adviseable, for your and DCs' financial future.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/07/2017 23:24

It's easy enough to work out that the husband in this scenario has a tight financial hold on all income, regardless of whether or not the OP has access to it (i.e. a joint account).
I would imagine that he would quiz her on every pound that went out of the account, if she does actually have access; but it's just as easy to work out that it might NOT be a joint account but her money still goes into it.
I would expect that the OP has some form of credit card, but if her H manages the account, he may pay it off, and again it's possible that he quizzes her over every pound spent.

I have a couple of friends who had husbands like this - it was unbearable and they both divorced the tightwads.

The OP getting a job is unworkable for her - but even if she does, if all the pay she got went into the account (whether joint or not) she would STILL be quizzed on any expenditure, regardless - if the above situation is the case.

limon · 21/07/2017 23:25

I'm not. Dont be ridiculous. You're making a load of assumptions.

I am just saying that I haven't seen anyrhing written tha suggests financial abuse.

Newdad19 · 21/07/2017 23:25

Well isnt your DH a lucky egg. Because so many other SAHPs are doing their best to provide a role in their family and provide support.for their kids and allow their partners to go out and work - as thats what works for there family.

Maybe not everyone is quite as blessed as you and your sahp OH

C8H10N4O2 · 21/07/2017 23:26

I agree. I am a woman and dh has veen a sahp working 1 day a week for the last 4 years. Its bloody hard being the wage earner. Its also hard to feel all the responsibility for keeping the family afloat financially. I think a lot of sahp forget that and think us wage earners have an easy life.

Bollocks.

I've always been the 'breadwinner' and for prolonged periods the only earner. I've also had to worry about that position even more when I became disabled and potentially my income was at risk.

It never bloody well occurred to me to quiz DP about every small item of expenditure at such times because all money coming in was family money. So long as the general budget worked and neither of us was sinking random large sums into [vice of choice] then how we spent it was irrelevant. We didn't waste our limited energy assuming we could each do the other's roles better at that point in time.

Swipe left for the next trending thread