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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so so sick of financially controlling DH

367 replies

raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 20:55

I know I'm not being unreasonable but it does get me down.

I was in a part of town today and I said it was near a large supermarket and I could nip in and get some bits we needed. Cue moaning from him about it being a waste of money and can't I go to Aldi (which isn't that much cheaper.)

It's SO annoying. He's always been a penny pincher but has got so much worse over the years. I really worry about the kids being bullied because of him refusing to buy them decent stuff (luckily I do stand up to him on this.)

It sometimes feels as if we can have no fun as even if we do manage to do something nice it's like you can constantly feel him breathing down your neck.

I just don't know how to handle it or him. My own parents were the same! We have no money issues by the way - he's just stingy.

OP posts:

friendlysnakehere · 21/07/2017 22:45

I don't think the op asked for a slagging off for being a sahm.

overduemamma · 21/07/2017 22:46

In what other ways does he control the money? Are u able to go out and have drinks with friends etc? Genuine question or being horrible or anything. I understand about the job aspect, sometimes u end up working just to pay childcare off. I hope you figure something out x

Newdad19 · 21/07/2017 22:47

Shes a stay at home parent to watch his fucking kids.

If you honestly believe that should somehow entitle her less to go and soend a few quid in morrisons or choose to spend some money on what she wishes then you are actually on another planet.

Gettingonwithit1 · 21/07/2017 22:48

Rain, I've been in your situation. Whatever I earned (even when it was only 10%less than him) went into a 'joint' account, which he controlled. All my expenditure was scrutinised and I tried to adhere to his rules!! I was also responsible for all childcare arrangements and child sickness. It killed the relationship (along with other controlling behaviours). I really feel for you. Don't forget that you are a capable adult😊.

Boulshired · 21/07/2017 22:49

I do think some of the posts are coming from the angle that if your partner is financially abusive the worst position to be in is a SAHP. If the abuse carries on how do you escape?

Original poster

raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 22:49

It's not about not getting the replies I want, but I'm having to justify not working, even though I do but it's from home, and that's not what the thread was about.

We have a joint account. I have to explain or ask for just about everything that is spent, which gets wearing.

OP posts:

limon · 21/07/2017 22:49

*Shes a stay at home parent to watch his fucking kids.

If you honestly believe that should somehow entitle her less to go and soend a few quid in morrisons or choose to spend some money on what she wishes then you are actually on another planet.*

I dont think many are actually suggesting that.

But I also don't think this abuse. One partner is more frugal than the other.

Dumdedumdum · 21/07/2017 22:49

Op why do you keep posting about the work thing and not adding anything at all about whether your dh and you have equal access to the family money?

Original poster

raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 22:50

And yes, I understand that I probably made the wrong choice by giving up work, but I've explained the circumstances that happened in and I do think it was probably the right choice for the children, if not for me.

OP posts:

yoyopoppop · 21/07/2017 22:50

I do think some of the posts are coming from the angle that if your partner is financially abusive the worst position to be in is a SAHP.

Some may be, but a lot seem to be "get a job you lazy cow or stop moaning"

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 21/07/2017 22:50

What the fuck is wrong with people tonight?

Why all the unpleasantness?

She's come here to have a moan and ask for some support, but all she's getting is spite.

"Get a job"

She has a fucking job, being at home looking after their small children.

Jesus.

friendlysnakehere · 21/07/2017 22:50

Boulshired possibly, but some names are definitely those I recognise from previous threads as very anti sahm.
It's just so rude to use someone's post asking for help in this way.

Original poster

raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 22:51

I didn't say it was abuse, I don't think

Dum, I have answered that. I'll,try to step back now as I'm just upsetting myself.

OP posts:

Dumdedumdum · 21/07/2017 22:51

Xpost. So if it's a joint account, which you have a card for, you can spend what is needed. Do this without discussing it with him if it's stuff you or the dcs need to have. If he objects, he always has the option of divorcing you. You have years of this ahead, please put your foot down about it now. It's not going to get any better otherwise.

missadasmith · 21/07/2017 22:51

Shes a stay at home parent to watch his fucking kids.

they are also her DC and staying at home with them was a choice. not sure what point you are trying to make and why you refer to them as fucking kids

limon · 21/07/2017 22:52

We have a joint account. I have to explain or ask for just about everything that is spent, which gets wearing.

Its how joint finamces work though. How else do you avoid over spending each month? Dh and i ask each other - we work out whats needed each month. Neither of us just spends whatever we want.

Ropsleybunny · 21/07/2017 22:52

She should not have to ask him if she needs to spend money. It is abuse.

dontsufferfools · 21/07/2017 22:53

You've explained why you can't work and I fully understand.

80k is a huge amount. Huge. There must be a reason why he's penny pinching. His upbringing, his past, debt?

I just think there's more to this. Sorry.

Original poster

raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 22:53

I regularly refer to them as fucking kids, under my breath usually

OP posts:

yoyopoppop · 21/07/2017 22:53

Well I don't know if it's abuse OP but it does sound like he's a stingebag which is wearing and very unattractive. Does he spend much money on himself or is he tight there too?

Anyway don't get upset, it's Friday night and people have probably had a drink and trying to feel better about themselves by attacking you.

Gettingonwithit1 · 21/07/2017 22:54

Rain you should feel like the capable, (equally entilited to make decisions), adult that you are. Please don't lose yourself as an 'also ran' is this life while you parent your children. x

missadasmith · 21/07/2017 22:54

OP, your threat title reads "financially controlling DH". that is a type of financial abuse.

RandomMess · 21/07/2017 22:54

Yes it is ridiculously wearing. A general monthly budget should be jointly agreed that is reasonable etc and you should get to spend it freely...

yoyopoppop · 21/07/2017 22:55

Dh and i ask each other - we work out whats needed each month. Neither of us just spends whatever we want

Do you ask him every time you pop to Sainsbury's? To the post office? To buy some new pants?

Dumdedumdum · 21/07/2017 22:55

Well Limon what a lot of couples do is have a certain amount of individual money they can spend as they wish, and the rest is joint. Having to consult with each other over grocery shopping would be very wearisome.

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