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Original poster

Dsc, new baby and maintenance

783 replies

Gildolann · 22/05/2017 22:52

NC for this just in case!
DH has 2 dc, dss 15 and dsd 12. He currently pays cm to his ex wife.
I am 26 weeks pregnant and DH has been made redundant, so we have decided that I will go back to work full time and DH will be a SAHD, all going well with the birth, my post natal health etc etc.
DH ex wife has gone absolutely mental when she found this out, texting DH that i will still have to give her money every month. Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc and how I will probably miscarriage again anyway and now I don't want to give her anything. I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

OP posts:
MovingtoParadise · 22/05/2017 22:54

It's not for her, it's for the children.

If he's a sahd then you don't have to pay anything, however you obviously should as a family from a moral perspective what with 12 and 15 year olds being unable to exist on fresh air.

giggleshizz · 22/05/2017 22:54

It's not the children's fault. By removing maintenance you're punishing your partner's children.

timeisnotaline · 22/05/2017 22:58

I completely appreciate how you feel about the ex, that is some nasty stuff she said. But it's not the children's fault. His decision to be the sahd should still take his other children into account, not just his new one. Or he is a shit dad and deserves nasty stuff being said to him.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/05/2017 23:00

Agree she should not have said what she did.

But from her POV she is about to lose a lot of money and she is probably very scared. Your world has been rocked and so is hers. And so are the kids.
Please keep paying the maintenance for the sake of the kids. None of this is their fault and they should not have to suffer.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 22/05/2017 23:00

How is your DH planning to support his other two children?

stitchglitched · 22/05/2017 23:02

If you make the decision, as a household, that your partner will be a SAHD then his support obligations to his other children should be included as part of that arrangement. If you don't want to do that, then he needs to look for a new job. Supporting your kids shouldn't be an optional extra based on whether or not your ex is being nice, or he decides he'd like to stay at home with the new baby instead.

BrightonBelleCat · 22/05/2017 23:03

She said some shitty shitty stuff that is unforgivable.

BUT your dh has the same amount of responsibility for his own children as he does his child with you. They are equal and need to be maintained as such.

stitchglitched · 22/05/2017 23:05

And I would argue that your household is jointly benefitting from him being at home, through saving childcare costs etc. Then your household needs to take responsibility for all the kids involved. Otherwise you are saying that your money is yours alone, not also your partner's as the SAHP.

BrightonBelleCat · 22/05/2017 23:07

Sorry it really gets my back up when people with subsequent dc think that the first set of dc somehow have less needs. Grrr.

Inertia · 22/05/2017 23:07

Well, she's said some absolutely vile and unforgivable things.

But your husband still needs to support his older children. He needs to ensure his financial arrangements make provision for that- remember his childcare will allow you to work.

Maintenance is for the children, not the ex.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 22/05/2017 23:08

The majority of kids living in poverty in the UK do so because the non-resident parent does not/ refuses to pay maintenance. What she said was nasty but fear does that to people. The CMS may not force your partner to pay maintenance. Morally & ethically he should be paying, regardless of whether not he's a SAHP

pheebo · 22/05/2017 23:08

was there any mention of NOT paying maintenance before the ex spouted her vile shit OP?

BadLad · 22/05/2017 23:08

NC for this just in case!

In case you get a good kicking?

Legally, I don't think you have to pay if the father is not working and has no income.

GaelicSiog · 22/05/2017 23:08

I don't know the legal ins and outs, but if you were my DD's step mother I would bloody well be pushing through my solicitor for maintenance to be calculated from your salary.

HildaOg · 22/05/2017 23:08

He's a shit type father for choosing to not support his older children. She is right to be angry. Who the hell do you think is going to have to make up for his financial failings? Why should she have to pay for everything? He is choosing to create hardship in the home of his older children. Disgrace. I really wish she could sue you for full maintenance. You and your deadbeat dad husband are a family unit. If you're going to enable this then you should be paying.

Cuppaoftea · 22/05/2017 23:09

Your DH has an obligation to support his first two children, he can't just cop out of that.

If you will resent working full time to support them as well as your DH and new baby then he needs to look for another job.

Muddlingalongalone · 22/05/2017 23:10

What goes around comes around. If he can pull the plug on his first 2 children and not support them he can do the same to you.

Of course she shouldn't have said the things she did, but people aren't always rational when presented with something that potentially changes their lives fundamentally as a fait accompli that they have no control over.
Btw your dp is essentially prioritising your child over his other 2 children if he stops contributing to their upbringing because your child has been born.
Perhaps he should look for a new job to support his existing commitments???

GaelicSiog · 22/05/2017 23:11

How did she find out, OP? Saying she hopes you have a miscarriage is unacceptable, but depending on how you told her I'm willing to forgive her for losing control of her emotions.

PurpleMinionMummy · 22/05/2017 23:12

So what's he going to do for the next few months until your baby arrives and you go back to work?

WhereDoesThisRoadGo · 22/05/2017 23:13

My ex's ex wife tried this with me. I was at uni when we met, he earned £30k and was paying her CM for 2 children. Then one came to live with us and so no CM was paid. Fast forward 10 years, I had fasttracked in my career and was earning £60k, he was on £35. The child living with us hit 18 and so he agreed to pay her CM for the younger one again. But she demanded more because of my salary. My partner refused, I considered it for a while but, when she called me at work and called me a "fat whore" I decided against it. As far as I was concerned, my money is for me to do as I wish. I bought his DD things when she came to us, things her dad wouldn't or couldn't. But no way was I giving that horrible woman a penny. Despite what others say about the moral obligation, I suggest you do the same as I did as she sounds just as awful as the one I had to deal with. Or put it in a fund for the kids as and when they need it.

VimFuego101 · 22/05/2017 23:13

How did she find out about these plans? I assume you didn't tell her otherwise you would have told her at the same time that you would continue paying support.

Morally you do have an obligation to support your DH's other children, regardless of her behavior.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 22/05/2017 23:14

Does his ex work? Maybe he could offer her free child care so she can get a job!

GaelicSiog · 22/05/2017 23:15

This is the kind of shit my ex's new partner pulls all the time. She thinks I don't need maintenance for DD because I work in theatre. Confused I am not Idina Menzel.

You are being so unreasonable I don't even have words.

Notcontent · 22/05/2017 23:15

Ok, so she shouldn't have said anything so nasty to you, but she was probably feeling really stressed and upset.

I actually think the rules on this should be changed because it's quite ridiculous that a man can can start a new family, become a stay at home dad and avoid vahing to support his other children.

Being a lone parents is incredibly stressful from a financial point of view. I earn a good salary but I would still be completely stuffed if my ex stopped paying...

hellomoon · 22/05/2017 23:16

Whoa people!! Chill!

OP and her partner DO recognise that CM should be paid... They factored this into their new arrangement!

But the OP is entitled to have a rant about the very shitty things that have been said to her whilst pregnant. She hasn't said she WON'T pay it but here is a safe space to come and express the view that she doesn't FEEL like paying, given her treatment.

If she confirms that she and partner will no longer pay, then go for it with your vitriol. Until then, cut her some slack, ffs!!