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Original poster

Dsc, new baby and maintenance

783 replies

Gildolann · 22/05/2017 22:52

NC for this just in case!
DH has 2 dc, dss 15 and dsd 12. He currently pays cm to his ex wife.
I am 26 weeks pregnant and DH has been made redundant, so we have decided that I will go back to work full time and DH will be a SAHD, all going well with the birth, my post natal health etc etc.
DH ex wife has gone absolutely mental when she found this out, texting DH that i will still have to give her money every month. Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc and how I will probably miscarriage again anyway and now I don't want to give her anything. I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

OP posts:
usernamealreadytaken · 25/05/2017 13:11

NRP has an obligation to DCs, but we have no idea of any backstory or context here from OP, so all this conjecture is just pointless.

There are so many possibilities that just calling him out on shirking his financial responsibilities is ridiculous.

Picture this - woman gets PG by one of possibly three men - two decline to accept anything to do with the situation, one steps up to the mark and takes care of her and DC1 and later DC2. She eventually gets bored with him as he wasn't her first preference, so has an affair and boots him out. He moves out, pays maintenance at a generous amount, and signs mortgaged house and all equity to XP, who claims out of work welfare to cover mortgage interest payments. XP decides she is not receiving enough maintenance, so approaches CSA and their calculation comes back at considerably less than he has been paying. He adjusts payments accordingly, so XP takes legal action to try and make him pay the original amount PLUS CSA amount. He nearly has a nervous breakdown trying to cope with the threat of legal action. He moves in with new DP and they marry and have DC - CSA amount is not reduced. Arrival of DC2 makes a small adjustment to CSA payments. XP is a dedicated mother and dotes on her DC, but is venomous towards her XP and makes contact difficult. He continues to pay maintenance so that XP can support herself and DCs, as it's the right thing to do; she occasionally works p/t but is otherwise happy to live on benefits and maintenance payments, as is her right "why should I have to work??".

Life is not always black and white, there are lots of shades of grey.

AvoidingCallenetics · 25/05/2017 13:32

User, if your dh took on full financial responsibility for a child he knowingly had a 2/3 chance of not being the father of and never got a dna test, then he was a fool. Again, an idiot for having a second child with his ex, knowing the sort of person she was and for signing over all the equity in the house.
That aside, whether his ex works or not, 50% of the cost of raising his children remains with him, morally. If he couldn't afford to support his older children,he had no business having 2 more with you. It's fairly black and white to me.

FlossyMooToo · 25/05/2017 13:32

fat at no point have I said the ex was in the right to say those things.
You ate misding the point yet again.
The OP is punishing the children for their mothers actions. She admits it in her first post. That makes her worse than the ex.
You however refuse to see that glaringly obvious point in your bid to fight this vile womens corner.
It would not surprise me if you were the OP tbh.

usernamealreadytaken · 25/05/2017 13:42

I wouldn't either, but we have no idea what history there is. Does a "gift" of £10k equity mitigate a period of no monthly payments?

MyGastIsFlabbered · 25/05/2017 13:54

Blondienut And I know the new wives- of course the children get maintainence and so they should but the ex (who never worked) gets a house mortgage free, spousal maintenance, pension and the man and his new wife have to rent for the rest of their lives! There are always two sides

Is this a specific case or a sweeping generalisation? In my case my exH refused to leave the family home, he drove me to the brink of suicide so staying there wasn't an option for me. The consequence of this is that he is living alone in a 3 bedroom house that is mortgage-free whilst me and his 2 children are renting a 2 bedroom flat. Fair? I don't think so. And he thinks he's a fucking king because he pays me the grand total of £12 a week over the CSA minimum.

AvoidingCallenetics · 25/05/2017 13:56

Equity doesn't put food on the table so I would say not, unless it was legally agreed by both parties, taking into account the rp ability to support the kids.

donners312 · 25/05/2017 13:59

I'm surprised anyone would even try to justify not paying maintenance for children.

And funny isn't it how the ones who don't pay maintenance are also the ones who took the family home and all the family money etc.

Not paying maintenance = not caring about the kids!!!

AvoidingCallenetics · 25/05/2017 14:01

Maybe ex wife did all the donkey work in the early years, which enabled the h to build a fab career and earn lots of money. Of course she has an ongoing entitlement to the benefits of that. I think lots of new wives like to pretend the contribution of the first wife didn't exist and would happily swan off into the dunset and enjoy the benefits of her unpaid labour in the form of their new h high salaries!

fatdogs · 25/05/2017 14:10

Oh great. More conjecture and conspiracy theory. I must be the OP in disguise because my opinion differs from your. Since you are so determined to minimise ex wife's actions, maybe you are her? See how stupid that is in reverse?

fatdogs · 25/05/2017 14:14

@flossymootoo there are a number of other people agreeing with my view of things. Why aren't they accused of being the OP on stealth? Just because I had to log in with a new account?

Willyoujustbequiet · 25/05/2017 14:41

flossy ignore fats, they are being deliberately obtuse and out of step with the vast majority. I agree it smacks of the OP.

mrssapphirebright · 25/05/2017 15:10

Well I got accused of being a troll yesterday for daring to disagree with flossy..... bizarre.

i don't understand why some people can't debate without people being personal to posters on here.

The OP is not obliged to pay the exw a penny - if she does then she will be doing so out of goodwill. I don't see why she should show much goodwill to someone who has been so nasty to her.

The fact that the exw seems to be (from the info we have been given) ok with acting aggressive and nasty to the op and her dh speaks volumes about the type of woman she is.

If my exh was unable to work / gave up his job / lost his job etc i wouldn't dream of handling the situation like the exw. whatever happened to discussing things like a grown up!

FlossyMooToo · 25/05/2017 15:12

Well I got accused of being a troll yesterday for daring to disagree with flossy..... bizarre.

It was not for disagreeing with me. It was for your idiotic posts and hour use of the word loon as an insult. Oh and for diagnosing the ex with a mh health issue Hmm
The pair of you make my skin crawl. Yuk.

fatdogs · 25/05/2017 15:17

There you go. Don't you dare to be out of step with the vast majority otherwise you are a troll or OP defending themselves undercover. Is s so difficult to accept that when asked if one is being reasonable, there may be a variety of opinions? I hope the OP reads this thread and realises that there are a number if people who do not consider her actions unreasonable. If she cools down and decides to forgive ex wife and pay the maintainence, good for her and I hope she feels good about it. But she is NOT unreasonable for not wanting to do so in absence of an apology.

mrssapphirebright · 25/05/2017 15:19

I wasn't diagnosing anyone, I stated that the exw in this case clearly was not acting like a sane rational person.

exwives like her make my skin crawl. No wonder OP has had enough.

mrssapphirebright · 25/05/2017 15:22

I suspect the OP came on here for a good old vent. its a shame the exw couldn't have vented in a more healthy way rather than act like a bull in a china shop.

I feel sorry for the dc involved with bio parents who clearly can't work together.

if i was the OP I would run for the hills. Literally.

neonrainbow · 25/05/2017 16:44

I think flossy may have her own ex issues, considering how over invested she's gotten in this thread.

FlossyMooToo · 25/05/2017 16:51

No more invested than a few other posters neon.
I actually get on very well with my ex. He is a good father and does not shirk his responsibilities.

Andrewofgg · 25/05/2017 17:25

NOT PAYING YOUR CHILD SUPPORT IS BAD. CHOOSING NOT TO WORK SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY IT MAKES YOU A WANKER

Sure. But not choosing to work every hour you could, not choosing to put work first above everything, that may not, even if it impacts on the amount of CM.

AvoidingCallenetics · 25/05/2017 17:36

My h works all the hours he can because we have children to support. Their needs come first with him. If he doesn't support them, who will? Not putting yourself first is what you sign up to when you have children.

Andrewofgg · 25/05/2017 17:39

And as I got yelled at for saying earlier, sacrificing overtime to be a parent is also what you sign up to.

paxillin · 25/05/2017 17:42

OP's DH has been made redundant. He is therefore currently unemployed. It isn't necessarily a choice. OP has a job, maybe it is really hard for her DH to get another. Perhaps they have made a very rational choice and they didn't suggest stopping payment before the ExW's foul and abusive tantrum. I doubt they will stop the payments.

And yes, I would expect the OP to want a grovelling apology for the ExW's wishing her child dead. I'd understand if she'd want to hear it repeated at every contact for a while, too.

kittybiscuits · 25/05/2017 17:46

It's goady muthafucka o'clock isn't It?

paxillin · 25/05/2017 17:48

Who do you address so charmingly, kittybiscuits?

FlossyMooToo · 25/05/2017 17:54

What the hell does overtime have to do with it Andrew ?
Thos bloke has not even got a job and is choosing not to get onees

Exdh was made redundant from his specialised industry. He worked in a sandwich shop for 3 months so that he could pay CM. On an evening he delivered the yellow pages to ensure is dcs mum recieved his share of his childrens costs.

His only concern was earning to support his children so he toik 2 jobs that are far removed from what he is qualified to do.

Men who choose not to pay CM are wankers.

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