Dsc, new baby and maintenance

[Gildolann]

NC for this just in case!
DH has 2 dc, dss 15 and dsd 12. He currently pays cm to his ex wife.
I am 26 weeks pregnant and DH has been made redundant, so we have decided that I will go back to work full time and DH will be a SAHD, all going well with the birth, my post natal health etc etc.
DH ex wife has gone absolutely mental when she found this out, texting DH that i will still have to give her money every month. Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc and how I will probably miscarriage again anyway and now I don't want to give her anything. I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

To be fair to the ex, it seems as if she was told about the SAH bit but not told simultaneously that the OP was going to continue the maintenance payments. (Why on earth wasn't she told that at the same time??) I can see why she would be extremely upset about that.

(Though that doesn't forgive her talking about miscarriages, though maybe it was in the heat of the moment worrying how she was going to manage financially).

No way would any of you be telling a woman to find work if she had been made redundant and the decision is for her to become a SAHP.

If the mum was RP then she would be istaying home to look after their dc. So still contributing to the care and upbringing of the children. This is not happening here.

Crap dad is is giving up work and his financial responsibility to stay at home and care for a child who will be financially supported by mum and benefit from him being a sahp. What benefit is any off this to his first DC?

XW remarks were unforgiveable. YANBU to be very upset. You are, however, an irredeemable piece of shit if you decide to punish the children for them. There's really no other way to put it. Don't do it.

Do go back to work FT yourself though. Your DH doesn't seem to take his duty to provide for his children very seriously, if he's countenancing this arrangement, so you don't want to be up shit creek provoked into saying appalling things to his next babymother if he decides to extend his SAHD career. I definitely feel you're making a wise decision there.

The one thing you are doing right in all of this is not leaving work. I wouldn't trust your dp to provide financial support for any of his children.

But why didn't you let his ex know you intended to carry on providing the same financial support? Seems an odd move.

My ex doesn't always pay maintenance and very little when he does. I do not expect his partner to pay for him. He's a feckless cunt but the children are ours. I do not and would not ever expect his partner to pay for them even if it is a struggle for me with him not paying.

He has potentially 12-16 weeks to find another job...hardly a tight timeline. If you both decide that he won't do this and will stay at home, then you need to cover his maintenance. He can't just opt out, and if he does it doesn't speak well of him. And if you go along with that, then it doesn't speak well of you.

cp3u with all due respect. I don't doubt that you are a good father and put your kids' needs first. But there was none of that with my ex and I've seen others follow his model. Good fathers don't, no, but shit fathers will pull anything to get one over on their ex and they don't care if the kids get hurt in the process. I'm reserving judgement on the OP's partner, but the fact that he's happy to be a SAHD when he has kids to support is not winning him any support with me.

I think everyone is being really harsh on the DH, as far as we know, OP and DH had the discussion about him being a SAHD including finances, which include his maintenance payments.

Now OP is refusing to pay there is nothing to say that he won't go find a job to pay the maintenance.

If you are going to have a go at someone, surely it should be the OP who is making this decision and not make a bunch of assumptions

so you could be right. But i didnt pick that up from the Op. No mention of him now not being a sahd anymore.

Also if he told his kids about the arrangement, he would have been better speaking to his ex first and making sure she didnt have to worry about money. He must have known it would get back to her.

Giving her the details hinself, rather than letting it go through the kids would have been the adult thing to do.

Her children are more important. To her. Yours is more important to you. Can't see the issue with her words there.
She said you'd probably miscarry. Not nice, but not the same as wishing that upon you. I can't imagine how upset she would have been to hear that the 'dad' has opted to not work and therefore chosen to stop support their children. Doesn't excuse her words but I can understand her anger.
But hey, go ahead and use that as some kind of pathetic justification to punish his children.
A fathers choice to have chiildren with someone else is a perfectly valid one but not when it is at the expense of his existing children. And if you choose to be complicit in that, it's pretty fucking shit.

You tell yourself he'd never be a deadbeat with YOUR child OP.

The ex wife's remarks were horrible, no one is saying any different.

However you cannot just cut child support to innocent children because their mother has upset you. They still need that money. Either you agree to pay the child support while your partner is a sahd or he cannot be one. He should not be a sahd when he has 2 older children he needs to support. That only benefits your child when he has all 3 to consider.

Her remarks were unkind however your dh needs to support his children.
He can't just opt out of paying maintenance because he feels like it. He needs to get another job asap.
Also there's not very many women that would happily go back to work straight away and leave their newborn so I don't think you can know how you will feel about that until you actually have the baby.

Love the fact that in these circumstances OPs wage will be hers and not family money as is normally trotted out on here.

People need to seriously chill a bit. OP has every right to be pissed off and although she says she won't continue the arrange as a knee jerk reaction. Once things calm I'm sure she and her partner will do whats fair.

Also, OPs partner has not chosen to be unemployed. Its not as easy as walking straight into a new job. What if it took a year to find employment or had to take a lower paid job. Surely if OP is happy to go back to work then that would be the best financial solution for everyone. Assuming that maintenance will be paid.

Also would OPs partner now be able to have kids after school and in hols so ex can save on childcare?

Does the mother work?

Leda You got the impression that he was not going to pay from two paragraphs?

Maybe the OP's DH told her about the texts 5 minutes before she wrote this and its a knee jerk reaction to something vile being said, it doesn't mean that its right there is 6 pages calling the OPs DH names

Of course if the OP comes back and says DH agrees with her than yes that makes them both dickheads. As I said there is little to no information available

Im sorry but dh has responsibilities here. How is he going to support his children. Yes he supporting the newborn by being a sahd but he has two others he needs to support. Op image this situation reversed and your ex gives up work with no income. What would you do?

Forgot to add his ex comments were vvv nasty.

People need to seriously chill a bit. OP has every right to be pissed off and although she says she won't continue the arrange as a knee jerk reaction. Once things calm I'm sure she and her partner will do whats fair.

How are you sure?

Ahh, so teenagers suddenly don't need to eat, live in a home, be clothed, attend school events when their father sticks his knob into another woman? You learn something new everyday.

Maybe because if the DH was a deadbeat he and OP wouldn't have even discussed continuing the maintenance when there is absolutely no legal obligation to and they had the perfect loophole to exploit? They are obviously inclined to do the right thing as a rule.

Some people are massive projecting their own situations. I agree with c3pu . We used to have a 50/50 arrangement. When it changed to the standard 1 overnight in the week plus EOW (the "weekend" in my case personally being Thu-Sun) our outgoings reduced even taking into account the increased child support we paid because ee had them less. With DH's ex also receiving child benefit, tax credits etc she has significantly more disposable income than we do despite my DH earning more than she does. Which is fine of course. Doesn't mean there aren't deadbeat dads out there but equally unfair to tar everyone with the same brush when there are a lot out there who do actually do the right thing.

I totally understand why OP is angry and lashing out because someone has told her her unborn baby will probably die again. That in itself doesn't make OP a vile person - any other time a pregnant woman has irrational thoughts everyone soothes them with "it's probably just your hormones" but mention DSCs and any empathy goes out of the window. The OP clearly states her and her DH had planned him being a SAHD with her continuing the maintenance so if the ex's finances were going to be unaffected by that decision then OP's DH had the right to tell his ex of their plans in his own good time. The ex has just jumped to conclusions and kicked off. OP in return is angry and upset - reserve judgement of her if she actually follows through with her knee-jerk reaction. Also there's nothing anywhere to indicate her DH agrees with not paying maintenance and won't just say "this is not what we originally agreed so I won't become a SAHD after all" so why the fuck are people ripping him apart?

Echoing others, she was very unreasonable and downright vile to make those comments but equally, what you are propsing is unreasonable and downright vile. You are punishing innocent children for their mother's behaviour.

My dad played this game on my mum and I have never forgiven him. I was a teenager at the time and he told me he was giving up work. Bastard.

I would follow the letter of the law. It's not an issue for you to be involved with IMO.

Sorry op but you're DHL should find a job.

Being a SAHD would be lovely if it was just the two of you but he has responsibilities. Your unborn child is no more important than his.

I'm sorry she was so awful to you but eh to take her out of it. What message will the older two get if their dad becomes the full time carer for their new half sibling and they can't do xyz activity because their is no more money for them? I don't think you will set up a situation where your child will form a lasting bond with his/her half siblings. It will breed far too much resentment. I'd facilitate that relationship as much as you can as they are your child's family. Would it possible for your DH to find part time work? I know it's easy to get tangled up with a spiteful ex but try to see the future from your child's eyes.

Does the mother spend the money on the kids? I know the vast majority do, but there are a couple of women I've come across who limit the money spent on the kids to the absolute bare minimum - housing, basically. Not even very good food. So the dad has to 'top up' constantly on clothes, activities etc on top of the maintenance. The dads I know who do this live their kids, and so suck it up.

Can the OP and her DH provide for the kids directly? The comment from the ex wife was utterly fucking vile and would completely stop me wanting to give her a penny. I'd far sooner buy the step kid's clothes, pay for activities etc directly so they don't suffer, but she could get fucked having. Also the kids are 12 and 15 so their mum is presumably working?

Lots of dad bashing on here though, good to see 🙄