Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsc, new baby and maintenance

783 replies

Gildolann · 22/05/2017 22:52

NC for this just in case!
DH has 2 dc, dss 15 and dsd 12. He currently pays cm to his ex wife.
I am 26 weeks pregnant and DH has been made redundant, so we have decided that I will go back to work full time and DH will be a SAHD, all going well with the birth, my post natal health etc etc.
DH ex wife has gone absolutely mental when she found this out, texting DH that i will still have to give her money every month. Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc and how I will probably miscarriage again anyway and now I don't want to give her anything. I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

OP posts:
user1492287253 · 23/05/2017 06:56

I think you should be utterly ashamed. Quite what you see in a man who is willing to avoid paying at least the minimum to support his children is beyond me. And lets face it, its only 20 per cent of his wage. You still have 80 per cent of his income and all of yours to play with.

BrightonBelleCat · 23/05/2017 07:00

People including my dick ex husband seem to genuinely believe that maintenance goes specifically to uniform, clubs etc that has

The maintenance (my maintenance) goes into a pot that pays the bills,
Mortgage, food etc. If i don't get the money it isn't that dc doesn't get a new pair of shoes one month and I can't spend the rest getting my hair and nails done it means that my house is at risk of repossession.

Coastalcommand · 23/05/2017 07:04

YABU. It's family money, not your money. Pay the maintenance.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 23/05/2017 07:05

The other thing to consider here is that he may well up and leave you the way he up and left them

You know the reason that they split then?

OP what the ex has said is unforgivable and I couldn't forgive someone saying that about an unborn child, no matter what their excuse maybe.

However you do still need to pay maintenance for your DSC.

Justanothernameonthepage · 23/05/2017 07:08

What she said was vile. You using it as a chance to punish your step children is vile. It's also the way to make sure that your step children grow up resenting you and their sibling. My FIL pulled shit like this with his second wife and now can't understand why the kids from the 2 marriages don't get on and why him and his 3rd wife aren't involved in things like weddings. My Step BIL spent his childhood desperately wondering why his older siblings didn't want to visit and play.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 23/05/2017 07:16

So the DP in this case has ben made redundant and decided that he will become the SAHP? Nothing wrong with that whatsoever.

I'm afraid you have no moral or legal obligation to financially support his children. He does. However if he hasn't got a job it's somewhat difficult isn't it? If I'd been on the receiving end of a text like that, wishing me a miscarriage - and lets be blunt, shes wishing her own children to have the death of a half sibling to deal with - there would be zero goodwill going forward.

Don't pay heed to this lot - he didn't choose to lose his job and become redundant. You can see why his ex is an ex though.

Harsh I know.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 23/05/2017 07:18

Two issues at play. The fact that you are happy to stand by and let him wash his hands of supporting his existing children and the fact that deciding to not pay for the children you chose to have is irresponsible, selfish and morally wrong. Whether resident or not.

What a message to send to the existing children too.

Quartz2208 · 23/05/2017 07:19

She was horrible and vile no argument. But stopping payments punishes the children not her, so if you do that you are just as bad as her. I think you need to change the mindset from I'm not giving her anything. You never have been.

A simple response that this will not change how you or your husband (which is key actually, I think your income would be taken into account as you are married, it's if you are not it's not) feel or how you will support the children.

Take the moral high ground, otherwise you are both as bad as each other

Ellisandra · 23/05/2017 07:21

No, he didn't choose to lose his job. But he is choosing to be a SAHP.
And that choice is fine.
If it includes costing up how he pays his maintenance from the family pot that is contributed to by his childcare.

What the ex said was vile.
But - angry words are less vile than shirking your responsibility to your children.
So whilst the OP is mouthing off about not paying, she's equally as bad as the ex - whilst it's all hurtful words.
As soon as she and her husband go through with this action they because far more morally repugnant.

LedaP · 23/05/2017 07:25

Don't pay heed to this lot - he didn't choose to lose his job and become redundant. You can see why his ex is an ex though.

He can choose to find work again.

He could choose to understand that the kids he has cost money. Op could choose to accept she decided to shack up with man who already had responsibilities

WhisperingLoudly · 23/05/2017 07:30

How can you even contemplate being intimate with a man who would ditch his kids like this? What a pathetic excuse for a human being, I just could respect a man who behaved like that.

You should both be thoroughly ashamed of yourself - no consideration for the older DC. Disgusting

c3pu · 23/05/2017 07:34

Can the DSC come live with their dad, or move to a shared care arrangement?

He should continue to support the children, but that support doesn't have to take the form of money, it can take the form of care instead. Might give the mum a chance to support herself and the kids with some better employment opportunities?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 23/05/2017 07:35

No way would any of you be telling a woman to find work if she had been made redundant and the decision is for her to become a SAHP.

It just shows gender roles always come into play.

Circumstances change. I'm sure the OP is overjoyed to have her household income cut by 50%

In the way you want to OP to support someone elses family perhaps the Exs new P could step up and support his new family with 'family money' ?

The OP has a duty to her child/ren.

If I were the OP, I certainly wouldn't be going to work to fund someone elses life style and leave myself and my child short.

KoalaDownUnder · 23/05/2017 07:38

No way would any of you be telling a woman to find work if she had been made redundant and the decision is for her to become a SAHP.

If she had two children she'd left living in another household with their dad?

Yes, I would.

LedaP · 23/05/2017 07:38

No way would any of you be telling a woman to find work if she had been made redundant and the decision is for her to become a SAHP.

If that woman also had kids who lived with their father, yes they would.

GaelicSiog · 23/05/2017 07:40

c3pu why should the OP and her partner force the kids to come live with them? That's possibly the most ridiculous suggestion on this thread. If they want to then fine, but that isn't a solution UNLESS they want to. My ex suggested this recently for a similar reason and my God did I hit the roof.

LedaP · 23/05/2017 07:41

In the way you want to OP to support someone elses family perhaps the Exs new P could step up and support his new family with 'family money' ?

How do you know the ex has a dp? Are you the Op by any chance?

The ops dp still has a responsibility to his children. He is shirking that to make his and ops life better. At the expense of his kids. The fact that he would do thay makes a complete bellend. The fact that the op is happy to punish his kids makes her a bellend too.

GaelicSiog · 23/05/2017 07:43

piglet he's a man not stepping up to support his kids, I took an educated guess.

c3pu · 23/05/2017 07:46

GaelicSiog

I'm not suggesting that they should be forced to, that is stretching the point to the extreme. I'm just pointing out that forking out money isn't the only way he can support the kids, and that it can be achieved in other ways.

If that doesn't fit the situation then fine.

dangerrabbit · 23/05/2017 07:46

You've chosen to have a baby with a man that thinks it's ok to stop paying maintenance for his 12 and 15 year old kids.

Remember this thread in ten years time.

Lelloteddy · 23/05/2017 07:47

So you tell the kids before you have the decency to tell the mother who puts a roof over their head and food on the table with support from their dad. Without giving her any assurances that financial support will continue?
And you wonder why she has reacted badly?
Prince amongst men you've got yourself there OP.

Make sure you're able to support your baby on your own if he pulls the same stunt on you further down the line.

NotMyPenguin · 23/05/2017 07:49

If he's backing out of supporting two children that he chose to have with his first wife, then how can you count on him to always support you and your children in future?

I'd be encouraging him to find some way of continuing to take financial responsibility. I know you don't have to arrange your lives like that, and if you work and he is the SAHP then you don't have a legal obligation to pay maintenance for his first children. But it doesn't make him seem like the catch of the year, that's for sure.

GaelicSiog · 23/05/2017 07:51

Sorry c3pu, but you wouldn't believe the number of men who suggest this to get out of paying maintenance. It wouldn't surprise me if the op and partner go down that route. My ex recently threatened to go to court for 50/50 and it was completely about money. DD has never lived with him because he pulled this crap on me when I was around the OP's stage in pregnancy. He's seen sense, but it was hell that week.

c3pu · 23/05/2017 07:58

GaelicSiog

Oh give me a fucking break, I'm a man with just such a shared care arrangement and believe you me it has absolutely nothing to do with money, and everything to do with providing my kids with a proper upbringing.

It's like saying that most mothers who are opposed to shared care are just intent on maximising her income from child maintenance, which is total bollocks.

twisterinyogapants · 23/05/2017 08:00

He can't be a sahp. He has two other children he needs to pay for. If he shouldn't be having more children when he doesn't intend to pay for the Ones he already has.

Swipe left for the next trending thread