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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dsc, new baby and maintenance

783 replies

Gildolann · 22/05/2017 22:52

NC for this just in case!
DH has 2 dc, dss 15 and dsd 12. He currently pays cm to his ex wife.
I am 26 weeks pregnant and DH has been made redundant, so we have decided that I will go back to work full time and DH will be a SAHD, all going well with the birth, my post natal health etc etc.
DH ex wife has gone absolutely mental when she found this out, texting DH that i will still have to give her money every month. Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc and how I will probably miscarriage again anyway and now I don't want to give her anything. I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

OP posts:
ClopySow · 23/05/2017 00:02

I am that ex. New family, child gets supported. My children - well that's my job isn't it? Because he no longer lives in the house with us. And when he decides he's going to do the sahd bit, well i just have to suck it up.

There should be laws against this shit.

GaelicSiog · 23/05/2017 00:03

Unless the mother is Idina Menzel, wombling.

Old joke. I use the "I am not Idina Menzel" line a lot now in relation to this shit. During one particularly bitter row over the phone about maintenance, OW commented "I bet Idina Menzel doesn't demand maintenance off her ex."

This is because I work in theatre. I have assured her that not everyone who works in theatre related roles is on an Idina Menzel comparable salary. She wouldn't listen. So now whenever she kicks off like OP is now and I rant to my mam, my mam reminds me that Idina Menzel never demanded maintenance and I respond with "I am not bloody Idina Menzel."

It makes me feel better Blush

Blondienut · 23/05/2017 00:06

And I know the new wives- of course the children get maintainence and so they should but the ex (who never worked) gets a house mortgage free, spousal maintenance, pension and the man and his new wife have to rent for the rest of their lives! There are always two sides

GaelicSiog · 23/05/2017 00:10

As I understand it, spousal maintenance is awarded very rarely. Usually when there's a reason for the woman not to work.

I maintain that a man who cannot support a hypothetical new child plus his existing children should not be having that hypothetical new child.

Blondienut · 23/05/2017 00:11

Yes I do agree there Gaelic

needsahalo · 23/05/2017 00:15

He's an absolute shit for even considering this.

WatchingFromTheWings · 23/05/2017 00:25

He has no place being a SAHD when he has a previous family to support.

WatchingFromTheWings · 23/05/2017 00:30

There should be laws against this shit.

Yes there should! I have a family member who got left with a DC while ex swanned off to start a new family. Became a SAHD to new kids while his eldest got naff all. Nothing more than a dead beat dad.

JuicyStrawberry · 23/05/2017 00:32

There is no excuse for the nasty comments about you miscarrying. She was disgusting saying that.

As for the money, I wouldn't be happy with the arrangement you are proposing for a couple of reasons:

  1. If one of you should be the SAHP it should be you because you don't have children from a previous relationship to support. He does and it's not fair for you to foot that bill.
  2. One of you should pay maintenance and it's HIM.

No way should you work your butt off, miss out on your baby and then hand his ex money. He has children with his ex so he needs to take responsibility for them.

Pallisers · 23/05/2017 00:38

Presumably when the 2 of you arranged the plan that he wouldn't work but would mind the youngest of his children instead, you discussed how to provide for his other 2 children.

And presumably this provision wasn't dependent on the good behaviour of his children's mother - because to do that would make you complete fuckers.

Beckywiththebadhair · 23/05/2017 00:39

If someone had said that about me and my unborn child then no fucking way would I be paying her maintenance. In your situation I would go ahead with your plan for DH to be a SAHM dad and cut the maintenance. I would however pay for things for the children directly e.g. clothes, school trips, gadgets and offer to have them over more given that dad will be home so much more.

Duck the fucking bitch but don't see the children suffer.

stitchglitched · 23/05/2017 00:42

It is family money Juicy. It doesn't just belong to the OP, her partner will be earning it too by providing childcare. He is entitled to have some of it go to his other children.

OP you are right that you can't be legally forced to pay maintenance if your partner doesn't work. But is that really the standard you and he want for his children? Whatever you can get away with not giving them?

Pallisers · 23/05/2017 00:43

Duck the fucking bitch but don't see the children suffer.

But don't pay maintenance for the children.

Does not compute.

stitchglitched · 23/05/2017 00:46

Becky if the OP denies her partner equal say in where their money goes, because he is at home with the baby, that would be financial abuse. I usually hate hate hate reversing the gender posts but would you tell a man who had a baby with a woman who already had kids and stayed home to look after their new baby, that it was ok to refuse to allow their family income to contribute to the older kids within the household because their Dad pissed him off?

twattymctwatterson · 23/05/2017 00:50

Do you give a shit about your partners other children? Does he?

GaelicSiog · 23/05/2017 00:54

I admit what she said was wrong, but I reserve judgement while I don't know how she found out. The way OP worded it makes me wonder if she just found out by accident that ex was going to be a SAHD and wasn't told about the maintenance. And while that doesn't make what she said right, I would not blame her for snapping.

JuicyStrawberry · 23/05/2017 00:55

If someone had said that about me and my unborn child then no fucking way would I be paying her maintenance

This ^^

Stitch He has two children with his ex who he has to pay maintenance for. As someone else said he has no place being a SAHD. The op shouldn't be taking on his financial responsibilities while he cops out.

Even if he provides childcare for his ex the op will still have to pay maintenance so help with childcare is a red herring!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/05/2017 00:56

Becky. So their mum should provide housing, heat, water, food etc for them, but not their Dad? That seems right to you how exactly?

Child Maintenance covers jack shit, but it's something. Him deciding not to work is only an option if his current wife pays the CM or else it's a luxury HE cannot afford. He has two children that need supporting.

OP. She sounds awful, but it's not about her, it's about your DH providing for his children. If it doesn't come out of your wage he needs to get a job for it to come out of his wage. The law is an ass, is he? Are you?

GaelicSiog · 23/05/2017 00:58

The other thing to consider here is that he may well up and leave you the way he up and left them. He's done it once. How would you feel if the roles were switched?

alleypalley · 23/05/2017 01:03

YABU, of course it should still be paid. We here on MN about how SAHMs should have equal access to family money as they are enabling the other parent to go out and work.

I'm assuming you plan to allow your dh access to the family money? Then he should uphold his responsibilities and pay for his children. I would have no respect for a man that didn't and certainly wouldn't be with him.

I think you are using this as an excuse to not pay the cm.

stitchglitched · 23/05/2017 01:06

Juicy, he is providing childcare for their new baby. That is a contribution to the earnings of their household. It is his money too. If that is the arrangement that the OP and her partner feel is best for their household, they need to factor in support for his other children as part of that.

ChrisLowesSunglasses · 23/05/2017 01:12

Gaelic where does it say he was the one who upped and left?

Lunar1 · 23/05/2017 01:14

He doesn't have the luxury to be a sahd!

JuicyStrawberry · 23/05/2017 01:18

But the op isn't happy paying maintenance though. So it's not what's best for the household and it's not going to work is it?

BigChocFrenzy · 23/05/2017 01:19

It's impossible to stop an NRP from having more DC, even unplanned, unless all fertile NRPs are to be compulsorily sterilized.
Also impossible to stop an NRP from becoming an SAHP
Or emigrating.

It's as impossible to return the DC of the 2nd family as to return those of the 1st

All the DC, both families, are innocent victims of the adults in their lives screwing up and putting themselves first.