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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsc, new baby and maintenance

783 replies

Gildolann · 22/05/2017 22:52

NC for this just in case!
DH has 2 dc, dss 15 and dsd 12. He currently pays cm to his ex wife.
I am 26 weeks pregnant and DH has been made redundant, so we have decided that I will go back to work full time and DH will be a SAHD, all going well with the birth, my post natal health etc etc.
DH ex wife has gone absolutely mental when she found this out, texting DH that i will still have to give her money every month. Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc and how I will probably miscarriage again anyway and now I don't want to give her anything. I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

OP posts:
JuicyStrawberry · 23/05/2017 01:20

I agree Lunar he doesn't.

stitchglitched · 23/05/2017 01:23

I agree Juicy that if OP is no longer willing to allow some of the family income to be used to support his other children then him being a SAHP is not an option anymore. He needs to get a new job and they will need to consider other childcare options for the new baby. But if OP still wants him to be a SAHP then the older children need supporting. She can't have it both ways.

GaelicSiog · 23/05/2017 01:33

Exactly. If OP wanted the option of him being a SAHD with no strings attached she should have picked a guy with no kids from a previous relationship. It really is as simple as that.

JuicyStrawberry · 23/05/2017 01:40

I know she can't I agree.
To be fair on the op though after the nasty things the ex has said I don't blame the op for not wanting to pay her maintenance. But the children are in the middle of this and still need supporting so their dad needs to find a job and continue to pay maintenance.
I don't think he has any place being a SAHD when he has non resident dcs to financially support, unless the op is fully on board with paying maintenance in his behalf, which she isn't. And I can totally understand why she isn't.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/05/2017 01:55

The money is for the children, not the mother. I understand your anger but this "fuck her" attitude will destroy your dhs relationship with his children. Even apart from the fact that her children should be supported by your dh, do you want his children to cut him off? And as said upthread if you prevent your dh from paying child support, that's spousal abuse.

iogo · 23/05/2017 02:24

Beckywiththebadhair Tue 23-May-17 00:39:40
If someone had said that about me and my unborn child then no fucking way would I be paying her maintenance. In your situation I would go ahead with your plan for DH to be a SAHM dad and cut the maintenance. I would however pay for things for the children directly e.g. clothes, school trips, gadgets and offer to have them over more given that dad will be home so much more.

So the children don't need to eat?

Duck the fucking bitch but don't see the children suffer.

Your way will absolutely have the children suffering.

OP, If your post wasn't just a rant and you are really thinking of not continuing maintenance then you deserve your arse handed to you on a plate.

FlossyMooToo · 23/05/2017 02:41

So little thought for the children.

The adults in this should be ashamed of themselves.

Pallisers · 23/05/2017 03:39

To be fair on the op though after the nasty things the ex has said I don't blame the op for not wanting to pay her maintenance

I do. The children didn't say these things. And even if they did, they still need to eat.

Yet again it is clear so many women as well as men think maintenance is for the mother not the children. So if you don't like the mother well then you don't need to pay, do you?

araiwa · 23/05/2017 03:45

easy- OP's dh becomes resident parent for his two kids from before

his ex can then get a job and pay him maintenance

Pallisers · 23/05/2017 04:26

*easy- OP's dh becomes resident parent for his two kids from before

his ex can then get a job and pay him maintenance*

I know you didn't mean this as a serious suggestion (well I presume you didn't)

but it is so resonant of how people actually view the lives of children of divorce - mum is a bitch, you don't get money that would pay for extras like school trips! Dad is a loser - you get to be poor! Dad wants to be a SAHD to his new child - you get to move house/school/friends to accommodate that! Dad wants to spend weekends at home in his house - you don't play sports anymore!

I know many children of divorced families do just fine because their parents are reasonable human beings but some of the stories you read on MN are dismal and depressing in how they reveal how children's needs are pushed so low on the list of priorities.

And presumably his ex HAS a job.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/05/2017 05:13

I cannot imagine having a baby with someone who could contemplate leaving his existing children with less. I suppose you'd have to feel extremely secure in your relationship, health, career to let that slide past. But then at some point the ex felt that secure.

She said some vile things. But thinking about not feeding, clothing and sheltering existing children is pretty vile as well.

LedaP · 23/05/2017 05:18

I think father who do this (give up work to look after their nrw family) are shits. And the women that are go along with it (like the op) are total shits.

How can someone be so selfish. The 'new' family is fine so fuck the kids that came before.

The ex shouldnt have said what she said but punishing the kids is out of order.

This should be fucking illegal.

SpareASquare · 23/05/2017 05:23

So your DH is going to stay at home and dodge supporting his children?

What a prince.

sashh · 23/05/2017 05:45

OP

So will he be a SAHD for all three children?

Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc

To be fair isn't this what all mums believe? When you have your dc you will believe that baby is the most beautiful wonderful baby ever.

You said you are 26 weeks, is your dh going to work, or at least look for work for the rest of your pregnancy? What about when you are on maternity leave?

Children need to be fed and clothed, if you and your dh don't support his children who does? That's me and every other tax payer in the country. Why the hell should I pay for his children? You married him knowing he had two children.

Cheby · 23/05/2017 05:45

Would be helpful if the OP came back to clarify. OP is it your intention to stop paying CM for your SC? If so, that is absolutely reprehensible. And if I were you I'd be extremely concerned about having a baby with the sort of man who will happily do that to his children.

Henrysmycat · 23/05/2017 06:18

File this post under "wtf are people so selfish and ignorant?"

OP, if the roles were reversed would you be ok with it? Would you be ok with your ex being the fun father that buys the kindles and the iPads and the fancy trainers while you struggle to have enough pennies to buy the kids a battery chicken for dinner?
You husband simply has no right to be a SATP unless you foot the bill.
My DH was a product of such arrangements , his dad would not pay a penny because his new wife wanted their new DS to go to private schools and have private tuition. My DMIL was working 2 jobs and starving herself to feed my DH and his sibling.
Fast forward 35-40 years and you get him asking for forgiveness and being upset why my DH can't even stand him.

AyeAmarok · 23/05/2017 06:29

How very convenient, OP. She said something horrible about your baby so now you have an excuse to justify to yourselves stopping maintenance.

KoalaDownUnder · 23/05/2017 06:34

He doesn't have the luxury to be a sahd!

This.

What a wanker.

JuicyStrawberry · 23/05/2017 06:37

I do. The children didn't say these things. And even if they did, they still need to eat.

Clearly you are cherry picking and just picking the bit that suits you.

But the children are in the middle of this and still need supporting so their dad needs to find a job and continue to pay maintenance.

^^That is the sentence straight after the one you quoted. The children DO still need to eat, and the op's DH needs ensure that happens by not being. SAHD. But my point still stands that in the op's shoes I wouldn't want to give this horrible woman a penny. So HE needs to do it instead, and he SHOULD.

Redken24 · 23/05/2017 06:44

Hi op.
This is your first child? You might not want to go straight back to work once there born. Maternity pay is not great and everyone says it but babies cost a lot.
Everyone says he isn't paying for the older kids will you guys be having them more if he's sah?
His ex does not sound pleasant - it's extremely hard being at home all the time with a kid (I imagine harder with more).

LedaP · 23/05/2017 06:45

juicy op clearly says that her and her partner have decided for him ti be a sahd. Therefore she is partly responsible for the fall out of this decision.

They both need to sort this out. Him being a sahd benefits the Op and this should never be at the expensive of his kids.

JuicyStrawberry · 23/05/2017 06:46

And as I have said before, he has no place being a SAHD when he has children from a previous relationship that he needs to pay maintenance for. Unless the op is fully on board with paying it all for him, which she isn't. She is totally within her rights to feel that way, but it means he can't be a SAHD. So he needs to suck that up and take responsibility himself by working.

Not sure what is so bad about that?

Reality · 23/05/2017 06:51

My ex dodged maintenance by being a SAHD to his new wife's children for years. She even bragged about it (on here!) thinking it was clever.

People like this exist. It's probably not even that rare.

harderandharder2breathe · 23/05/2017 06:55

I couldn't have children with someone so willing to be a deadbeat dad to his other children.

And you know that if you two split up he'd do the same to you and your child don't you?

You absolutely should not stop paying maintainance for his older children. Regardlsss of what shitty things their mother has said. Most people would lose control if they found out a significant portion of their income was about to vanish because their ex and his new partner decided it suited them.

If you and DH stop paying then you're both being selfish and his DC are old enough to see that very clearly and not forgive it

LedaP · 23/05/2017 06:56

I didnt say there is nothing bad about what you said.

I may not agree. That doesnt make it bad.

Maintence is not 'giving money to an nasty ex'. Its paying for your children. The Op and her dp have made a decision, together, for him to be a sahd. This will benefit op and her dp.

He still has a responsibility to maintian his children and if OP wants him to be a sahd, she should be happy to pay the maintenance for her dp kids (her childs half siblings). She has heloed make that decision and benefitting from it. She also holds responsibility.

The kids should not be held responsible for their mum being nasty or their dad and step mothers decision for him to stay at home.