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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's more Is she being unreasonable?

247 replies

TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 08:13

So we are getting a blended family. I have 4 DS and he has 3 DDS. Their Mother has been more than a little difficult about things since the split.
It took her a while to allow me to meet their DDS. Which I quite understood, as I've been through it and know how hard it feels.
I've met them now and she's mentioned to DP that DDS say they have fun here with my DS.
Currently they have their overnights at DPs parents house but as he's been staying here mostly and will be moving in we've talked to the kids about them staying here and all are completely excited about the idea.
I have a 4 bed house. My DS are 10, 9, 8 and 7. Their DDS are 8, 3 and 2. My ds10 has his own room. My DS9 also has his own room. The younger 2 share. The plan was to out a triple bunk in with my youngest DS for the DDS to share.
She's stipulated that unless they have their own room they aren't allowed to stay here.
Is this unreasonable?
I wouldn't expect the DDS to share with any of my DS once the oldest is 10, so in a couple of years we would address the sleeping arrangements but for now it seemed like the most accommodating solution without disrupting my DS too much.

There isn't any space in my 9 year olds room for any extra sleeper, and my 10 year old wouldn't be happy about sharing on a regular basis.
The DDS have overnights 4 nights a month.

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 11/05/2017 08:17

I suppose the main question is how many overnights do they have? Second question is are they expected to bring stuff backwards and forwards or do they keep things at their second home?

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 11/05/2017 08:18

Can't your DSs vacate their room and share 4 nights per month? That leaves a room for the DDs when they stay

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 11/05/2017 08:18

Hmm God I'm an idiot - completely missed your last paragraph!

Second question still stands though.

And would you be looking to increase overnights?

Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 08:19

They stay with their Dad 4 nights a month. That's 2 nights every other weekend. He keeps basics with him, only day clothes are packed for them.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 11/05/2017 08:19

So there'd be 5 kids between 2 and 8 in one room? I can't see how any of them will get a decent night sleep or have any space they can relax in.
Surely it makes most sense to continue having overnights at your DP's parents for the time being. See how things work out with DP moving in with you then move to a bigger property (if possible).
How long since they split? How long have you been in this relationship? Maybe she sees that this arrangement suits you and DP, but the children are having to squeeze in regardless of what's best for them?

Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 08:19

No wed keep the visits the same. We just wanted them to have a space to call their own when they visit. Currently they share a double bed and a travel cot between them at his parents.

OP posts:
SnowBallsAreHere · 11/05/2017 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blackteasplease · 11/05/2017 08:20

I'm not totally sure this is the best arrangement as I don't know your house. Also seems a bit unfair to have 5 sharing while the other two have own room.

Could not your older two go in together so the girls have a room for the three of them?

Or do you have a sofa bed that you and your DP can take while some of the kids go in your room? Can you get one? Or put the two little Dds in with you?

Quartz2208 · 11/05/2017 08:22

I think neither of you are, I think rightly as the mothers you are putting your own children first. You want minimal disruption to your sons for 4 nights a month, she rightly would like the girls to have their own girl space rather than share with a boy they don't know that well yet.

So any compromise or discussion about how it could work I think needs to come from this point of view no one is being unreasonable but a compromise has to be found

blackteasplease · 11/05/2017 08:23

I'm a bit Hmm at your oldest "not being happy" to share tbh. Why should others share three in a room and him not at all?

There's barely a gap between hkm and your ds3 who is expected to share with little ones

Only1scoop · 11/05/2017 08:25

No, I'd want my girls in own room too when they stayed.

witsender · 11/05/2017 08:25

I would let them have their own room when they are there, by moving the 9 yr old in with the 10yr old while they stay. Then everyone is sharing during visits which seems fair, and gives them their own space. I can understand her wanting that and don't think it is unreasonable.

Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 08:25

He's autistic and would find it hard.
But I agree with the points about needing to talk to find a compromise.

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 11/05/2017 08:27

I don't think your solution is workable - that's too many kids in one room. I also don't think it's a good enough reason to stop overnights though.

PP's suggestion of your older 2 sharing on the nights the DDs are they sounds best. Triple bunk in that room (great for sleepovers too Grin) and a bed with pull out under bed in his brother's room.

blackteasplease · 11/05/2017 08:28

Why didn't you say he was autistic? (facepalm)

blackteasplease · 11/05/2017 08:29

Other possibility (if ds10 really can't share) is that 9 yr old goes in with the 8 ans 7 yr old boys and the three girls still go in that room. Then its 3 and 3. Although I dont know he size of the rooms.

Crispbutty · 11/05/2017 08:32

I think the girls should have a room to themselves. Your boys will have to share on those weekends. The boys are all so close in age that it shouldn't matter who shares with who.

Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 08:33

The autistic child has a medium sized bedroom rammed with his belongings. My 9nyear old has a box room with a loft bed and built in furniture underneath to maximise storage. The youngest two have the largest bedroom and currently 2 divans. I'm changing those for a double bunk to go next to the triple bunk.

OP posts:
YouMeddlingKids · 11/05/2017 08:34

How about your youngest two move out of the room for visitation, either to go in with their brothers, in with you, or lounge etc. Make it a sleepover and something of a treat for them. Agree that five in one room is too many, I can't imagine it will feel like the girls own space.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 11/05/2017 08:39

OK. So basically anything other than 5 children in one room is unworkable?

In this case I don't think the girls mum is being unreasonable tbh. Certainly less unreasonable. The girls need to feel at home at their father's house, not that they're stopping over and being squeezed in.

Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 08:41

Well they aren't being squeezed in. There's loads of space in the room.

At the moment they are squeezed in at his parents place when they all stay there. The two older girls share a double bed and the younger one a travel cot. They have none of their own bedding.

We will buy bedding they like and create storage space for their things.

OP posts:
Funnyonion17 · 11/05/2017 08:43

I'd put the boys in together and give the girls a room of their own.

workingmumsarebad · 11/05/2017 08:45

How about -stop wait a minute and think before he moves in?

His youngest is 2 - how long have you been together?

Assuming your DP did not leave her on her labour bed - then you have been together as a couple about a year. His DDs see him EOW - and unsurprisingly yhe EX was difficult about you meeting them!!!

How many times have you actually met these kids - because by my reckoning not many - this has the hall mark of disaster written all over it.

For what its worth - your 9 yr old moves out and shares with either the 10 yrold or the 8 and 7 yr old and his 3 DDS have his room for 4 nights per month. It is going to be unsettingly for all the kids and compromises even from your eldest do need to be made.

PookieDo · 11/05/2017 08:45

This is what I fear with moving in one day with my partner as we have 5 between us and my 2 are a lot older/different sex and sharing would be hard. So I watch with interest advice people give!

I do think the other boys need to bunk up together and the girls have a room together, as a mother I would want that for my DD's too. My DP's DC are 4 in one room with step siblings it sounds bloody horrible IMO!

witsender · 11/05/2017 08:45

Could you get a sofa bed downstairs and you and DH sleep down there and the girls have your room? It is only every other weekend.