It's more Is she being unreasonable?

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So we are getting a blended family. I have 4 DS and he has 3 DDS. Their Mother has been more than a little difficult about things since the split.
It took her a while to allow me to meet their DDS. Which I quite understood, as I've been through it and know how hard it feels.
I've met them now and she's mentioned to DP that DDS say they have fun here with my DS.
Currently they have their overnights at DPs parents house but as he's been staying here mostly and will be moving in we've talked to the kids about them staying here and all are completely excited about the idea.
I have a 4 bed house. My DS are 10, 9, 8 and 7. Their DDS are 8, 3 and 2. My ds10 has his own room. My DS9 also has his own room. The younger 2 share. The plan was to out a triple bunk in with my youngest DS for the DDS to share.
She's stipulated that unless they have their own room they aren't allowed to stay here.
Is this unreasonable?
I wouldn't expect the DDS to share with any of my DS once the oldest is 10, so in a couple of years we would address the sleeping arrangements but for now it seemed like the most accommodating solution without disrupting my DS too much.

There isn't any space in my 9 year olds room for any extra sleeper, and my 10 year old wouldn't be happy about sharing on a regular basis.
The DDS have overnights 4 nights a month.

She sounds very fair, she isn't objecting to a.speedy move in, just that they have their own space.

If you won't move (why can't you sleep downstairs?) then I would put the eldest in the smallest room as he needs his own space. Then the others can share.

Or just accept you don't have space for this plan.

Are you avoiding the questions about your relationship, OP?

By the evasive answer I'm guessing you aren't together very long at all?

The ex is not being unreasonable in the slightest. I would not let my two year do the sleepovers full stop, and the arrangement you describe sounds awful, even for just 4 nights a month. Awful.

Be the adult here. Take a step back and stop rushing into trying to cram these children together. if you are in this for the long haul there will be plenty of time when they are a little older for them to 'blend', and I feel it is important for them to get to know each other for a good while in a non-sleepover capacity before you introduce that (frankly rather intimate) concept to them. You are talking about some very young little children who are going to be confused, and some older children who must still be reeling from their parents' break-up.

Children always get excited by the thought of change and adventure but it wears thin very quickly IME, especially when the reality is a highly unsuitable 'dorm' type scenario for their sleeping arrangements.

What Crispbutty said

Honestly, I don't particularly see it because I'd be happy for my boys to share with anyone, but they are boys. Perhaps that's why I feel differently?

thats not true though is it? You wouldn't be happy with all four of them put in a room with two others, would you, because you say the oldest 2 can't even share a couple of nights a month?

No I'm not avoiding answering things I'm just struggling to keep up! We've been together 8 months. They've been split over a year.

He can't share HIS space, it's not that he can't share.

It's totally unacceptable to ask girls who you barely know to share with boys they barely know. I don't see how that is difficult to comprehend?
Your Boys may possibly have less body shyness than other boys or girls but your mistake is assuming it will all just be great.
The mother obviously knows her children far better than you so you have to trust that she is saying her and her DD will NOT be ok with it. And just accept it

The mum is being entirely reasonable. She's looking out for the best interests of her kids (in a bad situation), which is more than anyone else is doing. If I was in her position I'd even go back to court to ensure my three children of one sex weren't sharing a room with one or more children of the opposite sex that aren't even related to them.

None of the kids are getting a far deal here. The boys are being expected to play musical beds to accommodate some strange new girls that come with their mum's new boyfriend. The girls are being expected to be crammed into one room, possibly with some strange boys belonging to dad's new girlfriend.

I don't see any mention of you giving up your room for the kids and sleeping in another room of the house. Where will the inevitable new baby/babies sleep when they come along?

Judging by the ages of the kids, this is a fairly new thing. I see no reason why you have to move in together so soon anyway.

Why the rush to move in together? So many posts on MN about people rushing to move their families in together regardless of whether it is the right thing for their DC.

No way would I allow my toddlers to sleep in a bunk bed, let alone a triple one.

8 months really is very soon to be moving in together. If it's too stressful and the relationship can't withstand the pressure (and blending families is HARD work) then it will be even more unsettling for the children.

I'd definitely go with an informal arrangement for the next 12 months.

Hang on...you've moved a man into your house after EIGHT MONTHS of being together.

And you're expecting his ex, with whom he's been split for A YEAR to let you squeeze her dds into a room with your boys?

I mean...seriously???

8 months? No she's not unreasonable. You are though.

8 months. Sheesh.

8 months FFS. If I was the ex I'd be creating merry hell. What sort of father would put his kids in this position?

OP is doing it to her kids, too. And she's a mother.

So the better question is: what sort of parent. And the answer is, frankly, not a very good one.

I don't see why the the girls can't sleep in the living room (unless a dining room could be converted to a bedroom for them). Does their mum want them to have a permanent room (even if they only stay 4 nights a month?)

If you have a through lounge - could the wall be put back to create another room? You and DP could give up your bedroom and sleep in the living room (futon/sofa bed) - I know lots of parents in London who live permanently like this. It means your kids will not be displaced or put out by the girls.

OP, trust me I would love to live with my DP and see him every day. I've been with him a little longer than you have been with your DP and mine has been separated slightly longer too. It isn't that no one can comprehend WHY you want to do it, but in all honesty it's not a good idea.

My DP moved out of his parents home after divorce and got himself his own place - instead of moving in with me. His kids just absolutely love it. I also don't intrude on his time with them except for small periods of time where we might go out for an afternoon all 7 of us, or just me with them.

I am allowing them precious time to re-bond after the divorce. The fastest way to problems is to rush things and kids can feel left out and resentful with too many changes.

I also am very wary that my DD's would feel very uncomfortable sharing rooms and bathrooms with a man and boys they barely know, so the aim is they slowly get to know each other over time and the pace is all theirs. If at any point a child is uncomfortable or upset we have our own homes to go to and can spend time apart. Because it's just too soon. Over time when they are more comfortable we might all lump in together and go for it with moving in but DP having his own independence with his kids I think can be very special after a divorce that is still so fresh.

That's my opinion though I appreciate

I appreciate that the sdd's need somewhere to 'call their own' You are going to have issues with an 8yr old girl sharing with 7&8 yr old boys before long as I think you have figured.

I also get that for the other 26 days a month your boys shouldn't be crammed into one room - if indeed this is possible. (It is after all their main/only? home)

Could you, as a trial thing, partition the larger room in some way? Use the bunks with a fixed boarding on one side? - lots of ideas on pintrest. To go with this idea though you are going to have to use 2 double bunks - boys one side, girls the other and a single/ready bed / travel cot for youngest as 2 and 3 yr old could not be on anything other than bottom bunk. ( recommended age for bunks is 7yrs - though I know some would say this is silly)

Longer term though I think you are going to have to move oldest ds into box if he needs his own space, then have boys in bigger room, girls in medium room.

Good God, he's not putting them through some sort of hell here.

I agree MadMags. I just meant from the position of the ex. She can't do anything about how the OP parents but she can certainly try to prevent her ex subjecting her kids to it too.

And having read the full thread, I despair. Eight months later and you're planning to turn the worlds of seven children upside down. Irresponsible to say the least. Poor kids.

The ops posting history reads like a whole series of Jeremy Kyle. Shocking.

MadMags you are out of line. I'm not a bad parent.