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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's more Is she being unreasonable?

247 replies

TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 08:13

So we are getting a blended family. I have 4 DS and he has 3 DDS. Their Mother has been more than a little difficult about things since the split.
It took her a while to allow me to meet their DDS. Which I quite understood, as I've been through it and know how hard it feels.
I've met them now and she's mentioned to DP that DDS say they have fun here with my DS.
Currently they have their overnights at DPs parents house but as he's been staying here mostly and will be moving in we've talked to the kids about them staying here and all are completely excited about the idea.
I have a 4 bed house. My DS are 10, 9, 8 and 7. Their DDS are 8, 3 and 2. My ds10 has his own room. My DS9 also has his own room. The younger 2 share. The plan was to out a triple bunk in with my youngest DS for the DDS to share.
She's stipulated that unless they have their own room they aren't allowed to stay here.
Is this unreasonable?
I wouldn't expect the DDS to share with any of my DS once the oldest is 10, so in a couple of years we would address the sleeping arrangements but for now it seemed like the most accommodating solution without disrupting my DS too much.

There isn't any space in my 9 year olds room for any extra sleeper, and my 10 year old wouldn't be happy about sharing on a regular basis.
The DDS have overnights 4 nights a month.

OP posts:
MargeryFenworthy · 11/05/2017 10:10

Feckless comes to mind Hmm

GinnyBaker · 11/05/2017 10:10

"Perhaps we are rushing it but the children are happy....that's what we see so we decided to go ahead with it."

Children can't possibly think through the disruption, the sharing of rooms, the lack of privacy and space etc etc, they just see it as a good laugh. As a parent we have to think honestly about the long term effects of big decisions.

The fact that you even questioned three girls needing a space of their own is very telling.

LittleOwl153 · 11/05/2017 10:10

Just to add I don'the think court would stop contact even on what you are proposing as friends 8yr old dd has Ewo on a matress on the floor of a 9 and 11yr old boys room at her dad's. And court approved as maintaining contact - child hates it though but it is part of manylon other issues I think.

stitchglitched · 11/05/2017 10:11

Well this isn't good parenting OP.

TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PookieDo · 11/05/2017 10:12

It's not good parenting and I would be unhappy if my ex jumped from parents house to new womans house in one year flat. Is there any reason he has stayed at his parents for a year in a cramped room with them instead of getting his own place and not waiting to move in with you?

Frecklesfrodo123 · 11/05/2017 10:13

they broke up 12 months ago, you've been together 8!?

What the hell.

Stop pushing people into your children's lives without getting to know them properly in the first place.

user1493022461 · 11/05/2017 10:13

That you even thought for a minute that she was unreasonable shows that you are nowhere near ready to move him or them in.

Why doesn't he act like a proper father and get his own place, with a bedroom for them, and have his children a proper amount. What kind of man is he that he wants to move in with you and parent your children while only having his own 4 nights a month?

Do your children go to their father?

HmmOkay · 11/05/2017 10:13

Your boyfriend seems to think that the responsibility for housing his children is down to his ex, his parents and you.

I'd have a think about that if I were you.

TheFaerieQueene · 11/05/2017 10:13

This isn't going to work in a few short years when the children are mid teens. What then?

PookieDo · 11/05/2017 10:13

I think actually OP is trying to help her BF and he's the one who is being a bit of a knob.

MadMags · 11/05/2017 10:14

Traffic, IMO a bad parent puts his/her own needs ahead of the DC's.

In this case, you've been in a relationship all of five minutes, and you're both trying to figure out how to squeeze the bloody Brady Bunch into one room. Why? So you and this "father" can plough ahead with a relationship that nobody is ready for.

But, as I said: that's my opinion.

Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 10:16

Okay, okay, I concede. I am a bad mother. I am of course, probably now a drugged addict, maybe a child abuser, and a feckless idiot in the eyes of some of you lot.

REALLY.

This is NOT BAD PARENTING. This is trying to make life work for everyone because LIFE DOESNT REVOLVE AROUND CHILDREN. WE all need to fit together, not pussy foot around kids to ensure they grow up like entitled adults who think the world owes them everything.

I agree, now after reading some posts, that the girls NEED THEIR OWN ROOM. But them not ever staying here and us never living together is not reasonable in any way.
Children need to learn how to adjust. Even my autistic child needs to learn how to adjust.
I'll happily change around his sleeping arrangements if we need to.
Each child will continue to get support through this as they all have had always- we aren't dancing around in cloud cuckoo land thinking everything is rosy. We aren't stupid. We are trying to find a solution that works.

OP posts:
MadMags · 11/05/2017 10:16

Why am I a "judgemental shit"? Because there's another thread similar to yours where I told the OP it was too soon to be moving a man into her dc's home?

If that makes me a judgemental shit, so be it.

My dc won't be fucked up from my life choices, so I'll sleep easy at night.

witsender · 11/05/2017 10:17

After 4 months he got with you. He leaps from ship to ship, so I would slow it right down.

The kids are happy because it is fun playing together, that is a very different dynamic to living together.

Why can't he get his own place?

stitchglitched · 11/05/2017 10:17

Your boyfriend is choosing to make a decision that means he can only ever have his kids for a few nights a month and probably less than that when they get older. OP, would you choose to move into a place where your own children couldn't live permanently if needed? I doubt it. He is telling his ex that she has sole responsibility and he would rather put his love life ahead of working towards being a more involved parent. No wonder she is fed up.

HildaOg · 11/05/2017 10:18

You are a bad parent and so is your ex. You are both sacrificing the childrens needs and compromising their safety for your own wants. That's the very definition of a bad parent.

Only1scoop · 11/05/2017 10:18

Mad, I must be too

8 months in and this, what's the rush....

Mothervulva · 11/05/2017 10:19

Children do need to adjust, but more gradually than that. Two of these children are really young.

I wouldn't agree you're trying to make it work for everyone; you're trying to make it work for you.

Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 10:19

Actually she won't allow him to have them more than that- she always says they are her kids and not his, and that he is a mere visitor.

OP posts:
witsender · 11/05/2017 10:20

Life does revolve around children tbh. Their needs are very different to adults, and as they are still developing you have to prioritise them. That is part of being a parent.

Not moving in with a man you have been with 8 months after you got together, and 4 months after he left the other woman is not 'unreasonable'. It is not a deprivation of your human rights FFS, it is just responsibility.

user1493022461 · 11/05/2017 10:20

LIFE DOESNT REVOLVE AROUND CHILDREN

It does. Or it should do. And putting them before your new boyfriend/girlfriend is the NORM, it does not create entitled children, it creates happy and secure children.

Adults happiness is important too, but it doesn't come first, not to a good parent. You are crazy to be doing this after only 8 months. You're going to be on here in two years when he pops off to the next one and leaves you holding the baby you're pretending not to be trying for.

Mothervulva · 11/05/2017 10:20

He's leaving his partner to do all the grunt work with three children whilst he gets to shack up with you in YOUR house.
I smell cocklodger.
He should take care of the children he has. Properly.

Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 10:21

You can't call me a bad parent when you actually have zero idea about the rest of my life. You only know of this situation. You're basing my entire parenting on this one thing.
That's like saying the Mum of the tantruming chikd in the street is a bad parent. It's judgmental.

OP posts:
user1493022461 · 11/05/2017 10:21

she always says they are her kids and not his, and that he is a mere visitor

Well he left her holding 2 babies, so what does he expect?