It's more Is she being unreasonable?

[TrafficJunkie]

So we are getting a blended family. I have 4 DS and he has 3 DDS. Their Mother has been more than a little difficult about things since the split.
It took her a while to allow me to meet their DDS. Which I quite understood, as I've been through it and know how hard it feels.
I've met them now and she's mentioned to DP that DDS say they have fun here with my DS.
Currently they have their overnights at DPs parents house but as he's been staying here mostly and will be moving in we've talked to the kids about them staying here and all are completely excited about the idea.
I have a 4 bed house. My DS are 10, 9, 8 and 7. Their DDS are 8, 3 and 2. My ds10 has his own room. My DS9 also has his own room. The younger 2 share. The plan was to out a triple bunk in with my youngest DS for the DDS to share.
She's stipulated that unless they have their own room they aren't allowed to stay here.
Is this unreasonable?
I wouldn't expect the DDS to share with any of my DS once the oldest is 10, so in a couple of years we would address the sleeping arrangements but for now it seemed like the most accommodating solution without disrupting my DS too much.

There isn't any space in my 9 year olds room for any extra sleeper, and my 10 year old wouldn't be happy about sharing on a regular basis.
The DDS have overnights 4 nights a month.

I think someone else has suggested it, but I'd vacate my own bedroom and get a sofa bed for myself and my partner, while allowing the children to sleep in my room, for four sleepovers a month.

Why is eight months too soon?

Why is 8 months too soon?

Assuming that the new partner met the kids 6 months after they started dating, the man's children will have met the kids 8 times (4 times a month contact x2 months)

Life doesn't revolve around children but you want to add another one... if you don't want life to revolve around children then why have them? This is just a recipe for disaster and you're involving children. Think you need to stop being selfish, grow up a bit and think of the consequences to the children of this all goes pear shaped!

I would put the child with Autism in the box room and the adults sleep on the couch 4 times a month.

A room with 5 kids is unfair. You're going to have to consider whether your son's discomfort with sharing outweighs your desire for your partner to move in.

It seems that OP has had a really tough time of things with abusive ex partners and her children have been through a lot as has OP. OP also does not work and has 2 kids with SN. I would say that OP seems vulnerable and alone? Correct me if I am wrong.

New DP comes along. He comes with tales of terrible ex mother of his 3 kids (red flag). They have only been split a year
Ex doesn't like giving over contact to him and 'ran off with all his money'.
DP has no money and earns less than £10k per year and has debts and is living in his mums house rent free (red flag).
OP has a 4 bed house.
OP will lose income support and suffer financially
He has 3 DC and OP wasn't sure why it was a problem for girls to share with boys

Does it not seem worrying that OP and DC could be vulnerable to moving in with someone, again, putting them at financial and emotional risks after only 8 months?

Why is eight months too soon?

Do you really have to ask? Seriously?

Because there are kids involved, Pain. Who have already witnessed various relationship breakdowns as recently as a year ago and need stability and security. Because however long you have known soneone as a friend, knowing them in a relationship is a whole other kettle of fish and pushing children to live with unrelated adults so prematurely is a safeguarding issue. Because this man wasn't able to stick around with the mother of his babies so the chances of this relationship working out long term isn't great when you look at all the issues involved and so the likelihood is the kids eventually losing yet another parental figure in their lives. If they want to be together they can take their time and blend families slowly and sensitively. Rushing into living together and forcing kids to share intimate space as well as trying for more babies on top is utterly stupid.

Does it not seem worrying that OP and DC could be vulnerable to moving in with someone, again, putting them at financial and emotional risks after only 8 months?

Yes, its worrying, but not to OP. And she is selfaware enough to have actually conciously decided that children shouldn't come first, in her world. She has no interest in shielding either herself or her children from those risks.

I would have DS10 and 9 sharing a room, DS 8 and 7 sharing a room (bunks?), and then the 3 girls in another room.

How big are the bedrooms?

I know a couple who sleep on a fold-out bed in the front room, so that their 2 sons can have one bedroom, and their daughter can have the other.

You could do that so your ASD son can have the single room.

@Pookiedo has summed it up

Poor kids.

@Pookiedo great post

You are a bad parent, because you're thinking of yourself as an individual and not as a mother (ie, you're not thinking about your children's welfare and, even though they're absolutely not your responsibility, your boyfriend's children's welfare). You've been together for 8 months and he's moving in and you're stressed out about how best to house his children for four nights every month, and bitching about how his ex is adamant that their children have their own room?!

My advice? Not that you want to hear it, mind, but...

Stop thinking of how great the sex is. You're in what is commonly referred to as "the honeymoon phase/stage". It lasts for approximately 14 months. So in 6 months or so, you'll be posting here asking how to deal with your boyfriend's bratty children who are doing nothing but winding your beloved boys up, or how your boyfriend has been cheating on you, or... I don't know. A million other scenarios. All of them bad.

A 2 year old doesn't know their own mind, so to say that she is asking to sleep over at yours... is bullshit. She's probably just mimicking your excitement. And it is excitement. Because you're in the honeymoon phase/stage, where you're getting daughters as well as sons. The older girls probably just want their Daddy to be happy. Which I'm sure he is. However, traffic, be aware that his happiness seems very dependant on getting other people to place a roof over his - never mind his children's - head.

And for a relationship of 8 months, you were posting on this site in March, so... what? 3 months in?! About how you were so desperate to see a line on pregnancy tests. You cannot house the boys you already have adequately, let alone your boyfriend's daughters and your "pipe dream baby".

I suggest you take your head out of the clouds, take a long hard look at yourself and grow the hell up. Preferably before you, and he, damage 7 innocents to this mess you're in the midst of creating

I can see how this gets to this point, you want to make it work so badly, you want to feel part of a team and just want to believe that even though it is hard, it will work itself out in the end. I hope you come back OP because I think this will only seem hurtful because it's close to the mark. A lot of people on the finances thread said don't move in with him and this was without any of the information provided here about kids or space or his ex.
Not everyone is harsh because they think it's fun to be mean, I for one don't come here to get a kick out of being cruel

Hi OP, The voice of reason and experience here. Fist things first. Do not ever post 'blended family' questions on AIBU. because if you are a step mum or a potential step mum then you will ALWAYS be wrong. Whatever the question.

I have EXACT experience of your situation. I met my now DH in the December. He moved in in the April. His children started EOI visits at the end of that month. At the time I had a small end of terrace with 2 double and one box room. (Big enough for a single bed)

My kids were 11, 9 and 4. His were 9 7 (autistic- special school) 4 & 3.

As you can see, 9 human beings into 2.5 bedrooms is a squeeze. We found ways. Mattresses on floors / camping in the summer/ Us on a sofa bed.

We found a way. The ONLY important thing in all this is that the kids are happy. The only one who got his own space was my autistic step son who got the box room when he stayed.

It's 4 days a month. We did it for 6 yrs before moving to a bigger house. Only one more bedroom. but eased things a bit especially as they became teenagers. No one died. No one was psychologically damaged for having to compromise their sleeping arrangements 4 days a month !

DH ex went ape shit over the years. Constantly tried to thwart contact. We went to court practically every year for a decade on one nonsense or another . And before anyone starts bleating about 'it's their home too' . It's blatantly NOT. Their home was where THEIR STUFF lives. In a large house with their mother where they each have their own large room.
They VISITED us every other weekend. They were welcomed, loved, and cared for but saying it's someone's 'home' when it blatantly isn't is ridiculous.

As I said, it's about making sure the kids are happy. In our case, so upset by over a decade of floor sleeping/hot bedding and making do - two of his four voted with their feet and moved out of their own comfy home and came to live with us as soon as CAFCASS approved it as their own decision. 12 yrs old & 13 yrs .

Ultimately only you know what's best. We also have 7 together. 3 now at Uni. 5 living with us . 2 visiting EOW.

It isn't his ex decision. As an equal parent he has the right to decide what he does with his children on his time. As long as it idoes not harm their welfare. I know MN thinks that kids not having their own bedroom is tantamount to neglect. I know from experience the courts regard this as total bollocks.

The voice of reason and experience here

Just because you made equally bad choices you aren't any kind of voice of reason.

I also can't see any benefits in rushing into this and would strongly suggest waiting. Let him get settled. Support him in getting his own place and having his chn to stay there. Have days out and let everyone get to know each other. Review it in a year or so. Good luck!

Jta, I think his ex is being perfectly reasonable in wanting her girls to have their own room.

Just because you made equally bad choices you aren't any kind of voice of reason

This.

I'm generally laid back and not one to hoik my judgy pants over every little thing.

I judge the fuck out of women who move new blokes into their family home within a few months of meeting them though. Think of your kids rather than yourself FFS.

Voice of trying to validate your own shit choices by encouraging OP to make equally bad ones more like.

Oh dear OP.

Your problems in this scenario are more than where the girls will sleep.

Your BF is nothing more than a cocklodger. He'll be faking it until his feet are under your table and then he'll show his true colours. Sorry.

I honestly can't believe the thought processes that go on in some people's minds. I guess I kind of assumed that once you have children the 'it's all about me and my self gratification' mindset changes but quite obviously it doesn't. Children are resilient and can put up with a lot but that's what they are doing- putting up with it. They aren't enjoying the experience or finding it fun, it's shit but they have no control so they passively accept it.
I recently had to explain this to my ex regarding his enthusiastic inclusion of his new gf in every contact.
Taking things slowly isn't a bad thing. And when a man is offering you nothing then taking it slowly is a good thing!!!

No it shouldn't! Not at all. Children's welfare is important as part of their physical and mental health and emotional needs. We are doing our best to meet those in a difficult situation.

OF YOUR MAKING!!

How self-centred and selfish is that?

I assume he is moving in because with that many children it's difficult to see each other without them and you're not prepared to take it slowly.