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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's more Is she being unreasonable?

247 replies

TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 08:13

So we are getting a blended family. I have 4 DS and he has 3 DDS. Their Mother has been more than a little difficult about things since the split.
It took her a while to allow me to meet their DDS. Which I quite understood, as I've been through it and know how hard it feels.
I've met them now and she's mentioned to DP that DDS say they have fun here with my DS.
Currently they have their overnights at DPs parents house but as he's been staying here mostly and will be moving in we've talked to the kids about them staying here and all are completely excited about the idea.
I have a 4 bed house. My DS are 10, 9, 8 and 7. Their DDS are 8, 3 and 2. My ds10 has his own room. My DS9 also has his own room. The younger 2 share. The plan was to out a triple bunk in with my youngest DS for the DDS to share.
She's stipulated that unless they have their own room they aren't allowed to stay here.
Is this unreasonable?
I wouldn't expect the DDS to share with any of my DS once the oldest is 10, so in a couple of years we would address the sleeping arrangements but for now it seemed like the most accommodating solution without disrupting my DS too much.

There isn't any space in my 9 year olds room for any extra sleeper, and my 10 year old wouldn't be happy about sharing on a regular basis.
The DDS have overnights 4 nights a month.

OP posts:
chocatoo · 11/05/2017 09:16

I agree: girls definitely need to be in their own room.

Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 09:17

Well I suppose the thing to do is have a think and try to re shuffle things. We will never afford a bigger house so that's out of the question.
Sometimes you have to make do. I can't see us ever being able to get a larger house.

OP posts:
2014newme · 11/05/2017 09:17

So first you asked whether their mum is unreasonable.
Now you accept that the girls having their own room without sharing with unrelated boys is not unreasonable.
Is that right?

Funnyonion17 · 11/05/2017 09:19

Buy floor to ceiling room deviders, B&Q sell them.

expatinscotland · 11/05/2017 09:19

Poor kids. Parents putting their own need to shack up ahead of what's best for them all.

Crispbutty · 11/05/2017 09:19

The children are happy now as they spend time with their grandparents and their dad but having to share a home with a group of strangers who are now "hey this is your new family" will be a massive change for them. Four boys under ten suddenly sharing their living space is going to be very different.

Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 09:20

Well this is why I asked yes I wondered if she was being unreasonable or if I was clouded by the fact that I had made efforts to make then feel comfortable and have their own space. I wasn't looking to be justified I was looking for opinions. I am quite open to accept if I'm other seeing it from the right angle!

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 11/05/2017 09:20

"Sometimes you have to make do. I can't see us ever being able to get a larger house."

What happens if you decide to have more children?

stitchglitched · 11/05/2017 09:22

How long have you been together and how much time have you spent with each other's children?

2014newme · 11/05/2017 09:22

7 kids is surely enough they can't accommodate the ones they have so bringing more into the overcrowding isn't really an option!

BaggyCheeks · 11/05/2017 09:23

Also a note on the excitement of the DC - They are all very young. They won't be thinking of the long term ball ache of mass room sharing. If you're unlikely to ever be able to afford a bigger house, even as a couple, unless your long term plans include a significant extension to your current home it's unworkable. In 5 years you'll have 4 teenagers, a pre-teen and two young girls. I wouldn't be surprised if the girls stop wanting to stay over without their own space.

blackteasplease · 11/05/2017 09:23

I do think in retrospect the PP who said this is too soon for moving in has a point.

I assumed the 2 and 3 year old would both be on bottom bunks in the arrangements you mentioned. I agree neither of those two can be on a higher bunk than the very bottom. (I have a 3 year old)

Lots of good ideas on her from PPs if you do go ahead with it. 10 yo in the smallest room so he doesnt move is a good idea. Then move the others round in whatever way they fit, keeping bunks in both bigger bedrooms.

stitchglitched · 11/05/2017 09:23

Well OP's been posting on the conception boards (yeah yeah I advanced searched!)

2014newme · 11/05/2017 09:23

Op so in the event that you go ahead with this moving in plan, will you now give the girls their own room?

livefornaps · 11/05/2017 09:24

It honestly sounds a nightmare. There is a huuuuuuge difference between having fun with a few boys in the daytime and suddenly having to share living quarters with them!! This is not your green light!!! I feel sorry for all the kids, quite honestly. Sounds cramped and uncomfortable, poor wee mites.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 11/05/2017 09:27

Sometimes you have to make do. I can't see us ever being able to get a larger house.

So you need to think about how you will "make do" in 6 years time and implement that now.

At the moment the only people expected to "make do" are your 2 youngest and the 3 girls.

Witchend · 11/05/2017 09:28

If the 9yo room can't be shared and your 10yo can't share then swap those rooms. The 10yo then stays on his own when the others are there and the youngest moves into the 9yo room and the girls share that room.
I don't think it's fair either on the girls or your youngest to expect 4 of then to cram in together and neither of the others have to share. Quick way to get real resentment going.

expatinscotland · 11/05/2017 09:28

And bring another child into this? WTAF! Some people need a good shake.

Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 09:29

Yeah OP posted on the conception boards.

We aren't having more kids. Isn't a woman allowed to have a pipe dream? Because that's all it is.

I'd hardly call it overcrowding. They will only stay 4 nights a month!

We aren't putting our interests before the kids, we are just trying to make it work for everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 09:31

I appreciate everyone's helpful comments regarding how it might work in the future etc and the arrangements we could try now.

I should have known own better than to post on the AIBU board though and not expect people to scathingly reply with unhelpful shit such as "people need a good shake"

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 11/05/2017 09:33

And what happens if they want more contact with their Dad as they get older? 50-50 even. What happens if their Mum gets ill and can't care for them, or dies? Your partner should be ensuring he has a place that is suitable for his children's needs, not bunging them in with some random unrelated kids 5 to a room. Where is his responsibility?

expatinscotland · 11/05/2017 09:34

'We aren't putting our interests before the kids, we are just trying to make it work for everyone.'

And it doesn't. So what you're really trying to do is make it work for you and him.

Crispbutty · 11/05/2017 09:35

"We aren't having more kids. Isn't a woman allowed to have a pipe dream? Because that's all it is. "

Eh? You were trying to get pregnant in march (yeah I did an advanced search too).. and you have two SEN children as well, not one.

This whole situation sounds selfish and more about the needs of you and your boyfriend, and the kids come last.

Nanny0gg · 11/05/2017 09:37

It's not a decision for the children. It's nice they're happy but it's too soon.

Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 09:37

I was not trying to get pregnant! I wondered what the chances were.

OP posts: