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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's more Is she being unreasonable?

247 replies

TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 08:13

So we are getting a blended family. I have 4 DS and he has 3 DDS. Their Mother has been more than a little difficult about things since the split.
It took her a while to allow me to meet their DDS. Which I quite understood, as I've been through it and know how hard it feels.
I've met them now and she's mentioned to DP that DDS say they have fun here with my DS.
Currently they have their overnights at DPs parents house but as he's been staying here mostly and will be moving in we've talked to the kids about them staying here and all are completely excited about the idea.
I have a 4 bed house. My DS are 10, 9, 8 and 7. Their DDS are 8, 3 and 2. My ds10 has his own room. My DS9 also has his own room. The younger 2 share. The plan was to out a triple bunk in with my youngest DS for the DDS to share.
She's stipulated that unless they have their own room they aren't allowed to stay here.
Is this unreasonable?
I wouldn't expect the DDS to share with any of my DS once the oldest is 10, so in a couple of years we would address the sleeping arrangements but for now it seemed like the most accommodating solution without disrupting my DS too much.

There isn't any space in my 9 year olds room for any extra sleeper, and my 10 year old wouldn't be happy about sharing on a regular basis.
The DDS have overnights 4 nights a month.

OP posts:
BrucesTooth · 11/05/2017 08:47

A bit of a change around, but could your 4 share the big room as a "sleepover" when they come? Then put the two little girls in the medium sized room and the older girl in the boxroom?

NellieFiveBellies · 11/05/2017 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PookieDo · 11/05/2017 08:49

Do you have any downstairs rooms such a a dining room that could be converted into a bedroom?

Rumtopf · 11/05/2017 08:50

I think your eldest should have the box room as you've stated he needs his own space and sharing isn't viable.
You're going to have to rationalise everyone's belongings too as otherwise it'll just be far too cramped.

Then have two sets of triple bunks in the other two rooms. The boys can all share and the other room can be the girl's room, using a travel cot for the youngest dd for the time being. This room could be used as a playroom while the girls are not there but they have their own space ready for them to come and stay.

AliceTown · 11/05/2017 08:51

I'd put the 9 year old in with the younger two DS and put a triple bunk in the box room. Either that or wait until you can move to somewhere bigger. I don't think it's appropriate to have 5 kids in a room really, especially when the oldest girl could start her period at any time.

VerySadInside · 11/05/2017 08:51

Swap 10yr old and 9yr old. Clear out junk. Boys in with 9yr old when DDs stay. DDs in younger boys room.
Offer 10yr old this or the option to share for 4 nights a month. I appreciate he has autism but he will have to learn to compromise at some point- assuming he is high functioning.

Or you and DP sleep on sofa bed in lounge and DDs have your room. Or you swap all your rooms around. So assuming you currently have the master, 2 oldest boys go in there. 2 youngest boys stay where they are. You and DP take 2nd largest and DDs share smallest room as they only need it to sleep in rather than for storing stuff.

tammytheterminator · 11/05/2017 08:51

7 children Shock

I would try and keep the girls together, so no, I don't think she is BU.

JaxingJump · 11/05/2017 08:52

I think the 7yr old can bunk with the 10yr old when they come to stay. 8 is getting a bit old to be sharing with non biologically related boys. Not because of anything inappropriate really but I would have been embarrassed at the age I think.

PookieDo · 11/05/2017 08:52

Also the 10yr needs to swap for the smallest room if he is staying alone. It makes no sense for him to have a medium room and everyone else have limited space. Then at least the medium room could be shared

AliceTown · 11/05/2017 08:53

I appreciate he has autism but he will have to learn to compromise at some point- assuming he is high functioning.
Uninformed comment.

TeenAndTween · 11/05/2017 08:53

The DS with autism moves and has the smallest room and doesn't ever have to share.

When the girls visit, the other boys move around and the girls have a room to themselves.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 11/05/2017 08:55

And somewhere for them to sit and read/think/sulk? They won't be able to sit up in their beds in a triple bunk. I think they'll still feel squeezed in, your two younger boys may well start to feel resentful at being pushed around too, especially if their brothers are unaffected.

Sorry OP, I really don't think your looking beyond what's easiest for you and not at what's best for the children.

Crispbutty · 11/05/2017 08:56

The youngest isn't going to be in a travel cot much longer. You need a triple bunk or a double and a single in one of the boys so three can share, and the same for the girls.

Are you the "other woman" as that would explain his ex wife's animosity.?

expatinscotland · 11/05/2017 08:57

Your boyfriend is being unreasonable here, in such a hurry to shack up that he puts this desire of his before what's best for his kids, which is not sharing a room with 3 others and in 2 years they're not having any acceptable place at all.

His ex isn't being unreasonable at all.

stitchglitched · 11/05/2017 08:59

Put a travel cot/single bed in your room and let the kids use that and your double 4 nights a month whilst you both sleep downstairs on a blow up or sofa bed. Or let your DP keep overnight contact at his parents house and just meet up for days out visits etc when he has them for now. His youngest is only 2, the whole thing seems rushed for the benefit of the adults involved rather than the kids.

2014newme · 11/05/2017 08:59

4 kids sharing a room is not good.
I think expecting every child to have their own room isn't reasonable and your dh may have to go back to court on that if she denies access. However your proposal isn't acceptable either. If you can't accommodate the 7 kids then maybe he needs to continue having his at his parents. I wouldn't want my three kids sharing a room with another kid all squashed together. If it does go back to court you need to ensure that what you ate proposing is reasonable and unfortunately it's not.

peukpokicuzo · 11/05/2017 09:02

Keep the overnights at the grandparents house for now.
When you are ready, the night time bed arrangements on nights your DPs kids stay needs to be the same as what it would be if you had all 7 kids with you 365 days a year. I think that would have to be 3DDs in the biggest bedroom and 2 DSs in each of 2 other rooms.
Obviously you don't need to leave that room empty on the 313 days where the DDs are with their mum but you need to plan flexible accommodation which is easy to move around at a moment's notice.

2014newme · 11/05/2017 09:04

Just realised his youngest is only two! It's a bit early to all be moving in on top of eachother to be honest. You haven't the space for 7 kids keys face it. Take your time, slow down. There's no rush to all be on top of eachother. you need a bigger house really.

ParadiseCity · 11/05/2017 09:04

She INBU. Is this a reverse or can you really not see that this is not in the childrens best interests? You can't have been together long if he has a 2 yo from previous relationship!

Emotionally it is a stupid idea. It is also impractical and you shouldn't put under 6yos in bunkbeds.

HildaOg · 11/05/2017 09:10

The vast majority of childhood sexual abuse is older kids getting curious with younger ones. No way would I allow my child to be put in the position of being in a room with an older boy she barely knows and that I don't know at all. That's before you even get to the fact that they're not going to get a comfortable sleep.

There are too many kids between the two of you to accommodate, I feel sorry for all of the kids. You should be putting them first not moving in together at their expense. The other parent can't be blamed for wondering what planet her ex is on, not trusting him when he's obviously not putting them first, being worried about their safety and comfort (that's normal for most parents) and standing up for them when her ex is being irresponsible and selfish.

I'd be kicking up a shitstorm in her position. She has a responsibility to because he's obviously not concerned about his kids wellbeing.

corythatwas · 11/05/2017 09:11

In this case, I think it would make sense for the adults to move into their living room for those 4 nights like witsender suggested. Yes, a little inconvenience, but better minor inconvenience for everybody than major inconvenience for some family members who may come to resent it.

In our family, we have no spare rooms and we've had to accept that dd cannot be asked to give up hers due to MH issues. Ds accepts this because he sees that we are equally willing to give up our space.

Crispbutty · 11/05/2017 09:13

She isn't asking that they have a room each, just that they share one together and not with children of the opposite sex who they don't know. Totally reasonable request.

2014newme · 11/05/2017 09:15

Oh yes just spotted she wants the girls in their own room, not a room each. She is not being unreasonable at all then. I think a judge would find in her favour.

Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 09:15

It's not a reverse. No I'm not the other woman.
I can accept some points here.

Perhaps we are rushing it but the children are happy....that's what we see so we decided to go ahead with it.
And the mum is happy for them to stay she just wanted them to have their own room so she obviously doesn't seem to think it's being rushed either.

OP posts:
BaggyCheeks · 11/05/2017 09:16

It sounds like a recipe for disaster. Keep the overnights at his grandparents - the girls having bunk beds in your DS's room isn't that much better than the sharing set up they currently have, and is only going to annoy the girls and your boys. No amount of dressing it up as a sleepover will stop your younger sons from feeling displaced, and for the sake of 4 nights a month in what sounds like quite a young relationship (based on his youngest being 2).

YANBU to be looking out for your DS's interests - they need that. Your DP's ExW is also NBU for looking after her DD's best interests - they need that. Just don't be surprised that as things are right now, there might not be much room for compromise.