It's more Is she being unreasonable?

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So we are getting a blended family. I have 4 DS and he has 3 DDS. Their Mother has been more than a little difficult about things since the split.
It took her a while to allow me to meet their DDS. Which I quite understood, as I've been through it and know how hard it feels.
I've met them now and she's mentioned to DP that DDS say they have fun here with my DS.
Currently they have their overnights at DPs parents house but as he's been staying here mostly and will be moving in we've talked to the kids about them staying here and all are completely excited about the idea.
I have a 4 bed house. My DS are 10, 9, 8 and 7. Their DDS are 8, 3 and 2. My ds10 has his own room. My DS9 also has his own room. The younger 2 share. The plan was to out a triple bunk in with my youngest DS for the DDS to share.
She's stipulated that unless they have their own room they aren't allowed to stay here.
Is this unreasonable?
I wouldn't expect the DDS to share with any of my DS once the oldest is 10, so in a couple of years we would address the sleeping arrangements but for now it seemed like the most accommodating solution without disrupting my DS too much.

There isn't any space in my 9 year olds room for any extra sleeper, and my 10 year old wouldn't be happy about sharing on a regular basis.
The DDS have overnights 4 nights a month.

*I think your eldest should have the box room as you've stated he needs his own space and sharing isn't viable.
You're going to have to rationalise everyone's belongings too as otherwise it'll just be far too cramped.

Then have two sets of triple bunks in the other two rooms. The boys can all share and the other room can be the girl's room, using a travel cot for the youngest dd for the time being. This room could be used as a playroom while the girls are not there but they have their own space ready for them to come and stay.*

^ This

OP, "She's stipulated that unless they have their own room they aren't allowed to stay here.
Is this unreasonable?"

No it's not, it's totally reasonable. They may be cramped at grandparents but they have their own room and presumably the grandparents' thing was always seen as a temporary move this is permanent, presumably.

Agree with TeenAndTween, "The DS with autism moves and has the smallest room and doesn't ever have to share.

When the girls visit, the other boys move around and the girls have a room to themselves."

Remember for your boys this will be four relatively random nights in a month in their own home when three (mostly younger) girls, step sisters, come to stay. But for the girls this is the only four nights a month when they will live with their dad, and stepmum and step siblings who are all boys and mostly all older than them.

If they feel uncomfortable these could end up being four days and nights they dread. If they feel welcomed and accommodated they may love these days and nights.

The fact you are willing to mix your boys in with the girls initially suggest to me you are not really thinking about the girls' needs, especially the fact his eldest is the same age as one of yours. I think it is totally right the mum is looking out for their interests.

OP, can I ask how long you have been together before moving in. I can't see that but I may have missed it.

"Perhaps we are rushing it but the children are happy....that's what we see so we decided to go ahead with it." I think basing it all on how happy 7 children appear is a bit of a mistake. Especially as you haven't yet worked out where everyone is going to sleep, have you already told the kids that they will be coming to stay.

God if I was their Mum I'd be fuming at my ex for dragging my kids into this mess after what, a few months? Why do people have to move in so quickly now? Why not just date and spend time together?

Thing is, little kids get excited about things but they don't see the bigger picture, do they? They won't see the lack of space, fighting about toys, the giant queue for the bathroom, fighting for daddy/mummy attention, feeling overwhelmed etc. All the practical things of being part of a large family. They are just getting used to mummy and daddy splitting up now getting used to new people in their lives. It should be their home too not just a place to sleep. Imo I agree - it's rushed. I imagine as your DP has nowhere to live....

There's also a lot of people who can't imagine having more than 1 or two children, and NEED to have foyers, studies, playrooms. They don't know the joy from all piling in as one big family unit.

And all the folk who think you can choose when and how you fall in love - well they are probably nice and secure and I can only hope they don't get turfed out into the world and have to make their own way again without a partner. It's so easy for secure people to judge isn't it!

I'm going to be one of the few who say it isn't a huge deal if little ones share, but it won't be fully comfy and secure for them. Also, it will be very unusual at school compared to other children to sleep 5 in a room (as you can tell from the judgey comments here!) Can you move around rooms at all? Can you two move into one of the smaller rooms and pop all the boys in one and the girls in another? And spread out when they are not there?

Just a thought - I have no idea where you live, but if it's in the country, could you have a caravan out the back? That was my room for my teens and I loved it! There's often good specials for ones that don't have to be roadworthy and they can be quite spacious with lots of beds and little kitchenettes and everything.

No we've asked what they think about it and discussed things with them. We haven't told them anything is changing yet. Just put the feelers out.

I can understand them needing their own space, but I had thought perhaps temporarily as everyone gets used to the idea of all being here, we would do it like I'd originally thought and then after a few stays we would get a grasp of what will work best and change what needs changing.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2871779-Very-thin-blue-line-on-Tesco-PT

In that case I hope you are using contraception... but it doesn't look like it.

You have been with this bloke less than a year. You are moving him in. You have children who are young and have additional needs. He has three young children.. unbelievable.

Please also present it as a chance to see how it goes and don't let your partner burn his bridges with grandparents.

You may not be able to afford a bigger house but could you one day afford to convert the loft or build an annex or convert part of garage?

I'm just thinking longer term.

Nothing wrong with having more kids if you can support them all but just bear in mind how all the current kids will feel if a new one comes along. Only you know how that might play out.

Good luck.

How long have you been together and how used are all the kids to the new arrangment? (no judging, but if it's under a year I'd shelve this for all kinds of reasons and make the transition much more gradual which gives you breathing space to help, especially, your autistic DS to get used to change - see below...)

Firstly, I TOTALLY agree with the ex here - her DDs need their own room. Think of it from her point of view - Dad is moving in with a new person, suddenly they have to cope with four new children in the mix when they visit. It's a good idea for them to have their own space when they are there. They are going to be coping with a big change and they will need to feel at home for this to go well. There are three of them already, so by definition if they're sharing with anyone you're looking at 4 children in one room which is overcrowded by anyone's standards and unlikely to allow any of them to get a good night's sleep. They need their own room. That's without even getting to other points raised above like kids experimenting. No way would I allow my children to be put in the same room as others of the opposite sex about about age 5, if unrelated, on a regular basis. If I were the mum I'd have said a flat no to it all but that's by the by.

If you want to go ahead - this is the only thing I can think of to make it work. The thing which has to give is your oldest son having a room to himself AND it being one of the bigger rooms. You need to get him into the smallest room which he can keep to himself. Then, your second and third bedrooms can be boys/girls each three to a room during overnights, and work it out in whichever way seems fairest when the girls are not there. Personally, I'd look at selling it to the boys as one bedroom, one playroom? - boys all sleep together and other room is playroom which is transformed to girls' bedroom when they stay. Then no boy gets kicked out of his room on a regular basis.

We have an average sized 3 bed house with soon to be 4 of our own children (no step kids) and to make the bedroom situation work now and for the future we have given up our dining room for DS 11.

It's not ideal and I would love to have a dedicated dining and homework space but we have to make sacrifices for the kids. Is there any rooms you could convert into a bedroom.

I also think the easiest solution would be to give DS with autism the smallest room so that he never had to share. Then boys/girls get a separate bedroom each. Just think how the girls will feel once they reach 12/13 about having to share with unrelated and hardly known boys.

What options for expansion do you have? Is there any chance of an extension on the lower part of the house, and maybe moving your oldest DS in there? That would free up a room. If this is a long term situation, your current "solution" isn't going to work anyway for much longer.

As far as your question goes, no, SINBU - it's perfectly reasonable to want her girls to have a room separate from the boys. So you and your DP need to find a way to make that happen before you get all gung ho about moving in.

My teen DC share a room with a baby half sibling (not at my house) and they hate it. They don't hate the baby but the situation. It's noisy, cramped, they have hardly any belongings, people constantly waking each other up so they always tired. And that is a child they are related to.

I can't imagine that this will be 'fun' for very long, it will be very very hard work for you all.

I am in a similar situation that I have a DP with kids so we have slightly less at 5, but this is exactly why we won't rush into anything.

Can I just ask, is this because your DP doesn't have anywhere else to go and wants to leave his parents? Is he going to be able to contribute financially? How well do you really know him and are 100% sure he's going to support you and be a good parent and a partner?

You don't need to see what needs changing because five to a room is ridiculous now, and will only get more ridiculous as they get older!

How big is the room with the bunks going in?

Have you seen those room dividers in B&Q? Perhaps you could install one, effectively making it into two rooms for the time the DDs are there?

www.diy.com/departments/karalis-room-divider/1012710_BQ.prd?INTD_DBC_ROOMDIV_M_TL

If you really want to make this work, then I'd try a few sleepovers before it becomes a permanent move. We have a similar set up and it works really, really well. I just don't think 5 to a room is wise so I'd keep the boys in one room and the girls in another room.

Can see I have cross-posted with others on the room share ideas.

Also see that it seems this is a fairly new relationship OP.

Do yourself a favour and everyone else and shelve this plan for AT LEAST the rest of this year. Same for him moving in.

And don't get pregnant.

"They don't know the joy from all piling in as one big family unit. "

But they are not a family unit really, their parents are dating. That's it. It looks and sounds a bit 'Brady Bunch' (I know I am outing my age!) But really these kids are randomly connected to each other through their parents. I have a good friend who lives close by, our kids have known each other for most of their lives but they would not take kindly to sharing a room with each other on a regular basis.

The bond and connections need to be there I think, before they are forced to stay in close proximity, I would try and go slowly.

My dd is still getting used to her adopted brother who has been our son, and so has lived here for three years. Our son is 6 and she is twice his age but has found it hard to accept him in our family. This is partly due to her (having autistic tendencies)but I am saying this as a warning as she was over the moon when we first adopted him.

That is accommodating two children in one family, you are talking about 7 children so please go slow and be careful.

Actually, the adults moving to the downstairs room which is currently my eldest room is an option, then with a room divider in the master bedroom, and my eldest can have the box room. Then we have created an extra room effectively, and we can sort it out for the rest of the kids from there.

Yes it's not ideal. We have 7 kids. We can't make that any different. DP does have somewhere to live, he can still stay at his parents house, but we want to live together. My ds love having him around. His dds really want to be here whenever they see him. Even the 2 year old asks to come.
We are not being selfish and are really just trying to find a way to make it work. We want the ex to be happy about it too.

The kids all get on really really well, have loads in common.... obviously they will argue from time to time, and it's not all going to be perfect.

DP also sees them during the week at their own house so it's not the only time they get with their Dad.

How long has he been split with his ex? Is she having to deal with the breakdown of her marriage as well as seeing her ex not put their kids needs first? Might explain why she is a bit 'difficult'.

I'd agree with her. Putting them in a room with your two youngest while your two oldest have their own rooms....no, I wouldnt allow that if I had any say in it. Doesn't give the right message to them at all.

I've known him for a very long time. Over 10 years.

Financially speaking of course he will contribute. I've already posted about finances on another board (for those who will do a search as previously mentioned)
and we need to have some further discussions but that isn't the point here anyway so let's keep it on topic.

Regardless of numbers per room etc. I don't think you can expect kids over the age of about 6 or 7 to change in front of the opposite sex. I know people will shriek about this but they are not related and neither of you have both boys and girls so none of the kids is used to stripping off with the opposite sex around.

The ex might be a bit worried about her 3 girls at your house shoved in with boys at bedtime. I have both and the boys were quite self conscious at 7 and 8 about getting changed in changing rooms etc.

But how long are you together, OP? And how long as he been living with you?

I think the room divider is the best and easiest solution to your problem. But I do think it's dependent on how long you're together.

Yes but how long has he been split from his ex and how long have you been with him as his girlfriend?

The other mum isn't unreasonable, the girls should have their own room.

Agree with PP, what's the rush? Has your partner not got somewhere decent to live? Is he pushing this through?
Not what you want to hear, but its glaringly obvious.

Ok so what I'm drawing from this is that it's definitely not unreasonable for the girls to have their own room.
Honestly, I don't particularly see it because I'd be happy for my boys to share with anyone, but they are boys. Perhaps that's why I feel differently?