It's more Is she being unreasonable?

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So we are getting a blended family. I have 4 DS and he has 3 DDS. Their Mother has been more than a little difficult about things since the split.
It took her a while to allow me to meet their DDS. Which I quite understood, as I've been through it and know how hard it feels.
I've met them now and she's mentioned to DP that DDS say they have fun here with my DS.
Currently they have their overnights at DPs parents house but as he's been staying here mostly and will be moving in we've talked to the kids about them staying here and all are completely excited about the idea.
I have a 4 bed house. My DS are 10, 9, 8 and 7. Their DDS are 8, 3 and 2. My ds10 has his own room. My DS9 also has his own room. The younger 2 share. The plan was to out a triple bunk in with my youngest DS for the DDS to share.
She's stipulated that unless they have their own room they aren't allowed to stay here.
Is this unreasonable?
I wouldn't expect the DDS to share with any of my DS once the oldest is 10, so in a couple of years we would address the sleeping arrangements but for now it seemed like the most accommodating solution without disrupting my DS too much.

There isn't any space in my 9 year olds room for any extra sleeper, and my 10 year old wouldn't be happy about sharing on a regular basis.
The DDS have overnights 4 nights a month.

OP, please take some more time (months) to think about the repercussions of this. The long term effects on each of the children. The strain it will put on your new relationship.

How much time have you all spent together as a blended family? Or as two single-parent families spending time together?

8 months seems far too soon to me, although you have known him 10 years. What's the rush?

And you say you will not have more children, but have admitted that it would be your dream to have more. So I think it will be very hard to resist that dream, making the situation even more cramped and uncomfortable.

Practically speaking, I think you could probably find a hotch-potch solution. But it wouldn't be comfortable. It might mean the girls visit less often. It might upset the settled feeling your eldest has.

Do your DSs have contact with their father? Would it be possible to co-ordinate contact on the same weekends as the girls come to you?

But above all, please re-think this. Slow down. You are being selfish because the children's needs aren't being put first. In fact, they are being pushed to the bottom of considerations.

Just because you made equally bad choices you aren't any kind of voice of reason

Quite.

It sounds like you need to slow right down. You've only been together 8 months. 6 months is often cited as a reasonable length of time to be in a relationship before introducing a new partner to your children. I'm assuming they all met each other long before that if you're able to say that they're happy with potentially all living together.

You say life doesn't have to revolve around children. I would agree that life shouldn't ALWAYS revolve around children in absolutely every aspect - children have to learn that there are other people to be considered and that sometimes they might have to compromise. But when it comes to something that could potentially affect their wellbeing and possibly their whole childhood, then the children's needs should absolutely be prioritised.

This is a very new relationship. He's not not long separated from the girls' mother in the scheme of things. These are very young children. He's not in a stable financial situation. He has, arguably, a pressing need to find someone to move in with as he is stuck living in cramped quarters with his parents. You have children with special needs who may find change difficult. You have problems in terms of accommodating a blended family. All reasons to move slower, not faster, than the usual recommended pace.

I have some young family members who were introduced to a 'step-parent' way too soon and it's only now, several months down the line, that it's becoming apparent how much damage this has caused. I suspect they know perfectly well that their needs come considerably after the needs of the adults involved, and I am reasonably sure that the damage done to the parent-child relationship will be permanent.

There really is no hurry to move from the dating phase to the living together phase, and there are many reasons to take it slow.

Oh my goodness, you're that poster from the other dating threds. I thought this all sounded vaguely familiar with the posting style.

OP, you are heading way too fast into moving this cocklodger in. I feel sorry for all the children involved. Take a step back and stop being so bloody desperate to have a man (any man) around.

I've been thinking about this today and I can see how you have come to the conclusion that this is a good solution for the DD's as it would seem it offers them some stability instead of camping out round nanny and grandads. Other kids there etc etc, to play and entertain one another, a man of the house to help you out and a partnership.

I know I am now probably verging on boring everyone.

Things to consider:

-They have known their grandparents their whole life so if it isn't going well round their house, it is unlikely to be much different at your house. Same squash in

-living with his parents hasn't seemed to spur DP into action of getting into his own 2 feet in terms of housing, savings or finances and offering him an easy way out with an instant home may not inspire him to pull his finger out either. You should set goals and timescales and see if he can do these to show he is responsible.

-It's highly unlikely that boys of 10,9,8 and 7 will want to realistically play games with younger little girls and there will be fighting. As a step parent you need time to establish your role as a parent figure (and vice Versa) with boundaries, punishments and what role you play in their lives. They don't know you very well so why would they listen to you? If you don't have this kind of relationship it will go very wrong, where they trust you and know both parents are on the same page. You cannot lie to us that you have reached this stage yet - you haven't.

• financially you will be feeding more mouths on hardly any more money. Not to mention these costly home improvements, furniture and living costs. If you do not have a solid plan in action of how to up your income prior to moving in, your kids could very much resent all the changes

• it is your duty to safely house and care for your kids. What you are proposing is impractical and the cons outweigh the pros. You need to think about the true reasons behind this choice. If you have a strong relationship it will not suffer from taking more time to make this transition. You will then know if he just is looking for an easy housing option if he pushes it

• he needs to deal with the relationship with his ex and allow his kids time to grieve. Barging forward does not erase the past

I would not blend in this situation as you aren't able to have enough space for everyone.

Why can't you just live separately?

I can see zero benefits to blending for your children.

Seven kids! Just the very thought, is making me break out in a sweat. Sorry, but that sounds totally stressful. get in the gin, lots and lots of gin

Kittensinmydinner1 you said - "We also have 7 together. 3 now at Uni. 5 living with us . 2 visiting EOW" do you mean you have 17 altogether?? if not then 3 + 5 + 2 is 10
Or if not what do you mean? Sorry I know it isnt that important but cant work out the numbers....

She means they have 7 between them, same as the OP does. The post even gives the ages of each child so you can work it out.

OP Not kept up with all the comments but this stands out for me.

"Honestly, I don't particularly see it because I'd be happy for my boys to share with anyone, but they are boys. Perhaps that's why I feel differently?"

Well...

That is how you feel, may not be how the boys feel

The older the child the less likely they are going to be keen to change clothes in front of a member of the same sex, whether they are related to them or not

Generally girls are more self conscious about changing in front of boys than vice versa, perhaps because they develop earlier, perhaps because they have more to cover up or perhaps because they feel conscious that their bodies will be viewed differently. (Are you really not aware of these things?)

The boys are in their own home. If they feel unhappy or frustrated they know where to go to get some piece or quiet. Whether that is the spot in the garden where there is a bench, the corner of the utility room where they can sit on the floor and play on a device or read a book undisturbed, or the fact no one uses the dinning room after 8.00 pm, or whatever. The girls will only be there 4 days a month and so it will take a while for them to know these things and even longer for them to feel at home there - if ever.

When I adopted our son one of the requirements was he should have his own room. It's a no-brainier as he is a boy and much younger than our birth dd. But if they had been the same sex or closer in age it would still have been a requirement that he have his own room. So he can go and find a bit of peace and quiet if he wishes, etc.

You do not seem aware that the girls may not feel 'at home' in your home or that an idea (presumably you have not had them all over for a night yet) may seem great to kids but feel different when they are actually living it.

I'm not having a go, I just feel you don't seem able to see beyond your own or your boys' potential feelings and see how an 8 year old girl may feel being put in a room with her two sisters and two unrelated boys.

Wormulonian "I don't see why the the girls can't sleep in the living room " Because then the girls would really have no bolt hole if life in a blended family of 9 for four days a month all got too much!

"We've been together 8 months. They've been split over a year." That is very fast. I am surprised you think this is a good idea to move in and then have the kids around this. I know you have known him a long time but being in a relationship is different to friendship, as you know, so it does seem very fast indeed.

Sorry - member of the same sex let alone a member of the opposite sex!

Op, you are clinging on a dick for dear life literally and figuratively. Please do not breed ever again.

You have known him for 10 yrs
They split about a year ago
You have been together for 8 months

You are the OW and the EX needs a bloody medal for being so reasonable .

Sorry you and your DP are selfish beyond belief.

In schools, boys and girls change in separate areas from ks2. (7 years old +) I think that it is reasonable to say that the children should be treated like at school and separated for rooms. It's not unheard of for girls to start periods in primary school. Or wear bras and grow hair.

CrazedZombie all true but children in KS2 are only changing outer clothes not underwear. So it's still not the same as getting dressed after a shower or bath etc.

one week after my EX walked out - my DCS were introduced to his new DP. They thought it would be fine because they knew her already - she was a family friend. Sounds like you two have done the same

It was a disaster and the fall out from their actions still reverbrate 5 yrs later- time, time, time and both of you stop being a pair of selfish twunts.

Sorry all you who are quick to judge. I didn't make 'equally bad choices ' .

We made an excellent decision to join up with my partner (now husband) and blend our family. Wouldn't change a thing.
Just because I didn't stick to the MN approved dictat of spending years getting to know someone before we met each other's children - doesn't make it a. bad choice. I trusted my own judgement.

The gains have by far outweighed the losses. We have a large happy blended family with 7 children. (Not 17) 3 are at Uni - 2 live on campus (1 of his 1 of mine) and 1 lives at home. (His) I also still have one at school. He has two that live with their mother.
No one 'suffered' not having a bedroom. If they had - then perhaps they wouldn't have left their mothers house as soon as they could and moved in with us. Where they are still based - despite the chaotic 'find yourself a bed' system that we have always operated. It's not about beds or bedrooms. It's about love and care and taking an interest in them.

Did your DH have significant financial issues, no home and only split from his ex for a year?
There is more going on here than just a blended family, the whole picture is risky and a potential disaster.

uh-huh. Keep telling yourself that.

It was a shitty decision that you seem to have got lucky with. Not something to boast about.

You did make equally bad choices and if the bloke you hardly knew when you moved him in with your children had turned out to be an abusive areshole instead of a nice guy, your story and that of your children would be very different.

You risked their welfare for a bloke. That is shit.

What I also really dislike about your kind of post is knowing from personal experience how women who do this kind of thing also LIE LIE LIE to themselves about its outcome, all the time.

Have a friend who has done this. His kids in with her kids within a few months and within weeks of the kids meeting him for the first time. All rosy and he's soooooo loving and such a fab dad to them all, blah blah all over facebook.

Can't really look on it the same way since about a year ago when they were in a low patch and she told me that he treats her son completely differently to her daughter and has told her he finds it hard to have him around because 'he looks exactly like that fucking arsehole' ie her ex, the boy's dad, and she was really sad about it.

But hey! It all blew over. And now it's all great and he's just mah amaaaaayzing man! She doesn't really talk to me about him any more. Hey ho :)

I think regardless of whether you are determined to move in together, you need to move your DS10 with autism into the smallest room now. Keep the loft bed. Get loads of storage/shelves on the wall for his stuff. Since he can't share, the smallest room should always be his.
Do this well BEFORE your partner and his kids move in, so this massive upheaval isn't related to them as such.

Then, your 3 other sons can share the biggest bedroom. In triple bunks or a bunk and trundle bed or 2 sets of bunks. Thenit won't be too cramped, plus there will be room for clothes and shoes and toys.

Then you and your DP in the 2nd biggest room. Then the 2nd smallest room for his 3 girls, with a set of bunks where the bottom bunk is on the floor, not raised, but can be raised later (think IKEA do them). And for now the 2 yr old in a cot or toddler bed. At a pinch the 2+3 yr old could even share a full size single bed, with a pillow at each end if it was on the floor level. I think I'd be leaving this room as their bedroom. If you use it as a play room, study or ironing room, it is that room, and everyone will find it difficult to not use whilst the girls are there.
My DD is 8 and would absolutely not be comfortable sharing a room with boys the same age. Or any age.

Why can't the Dad and his DD's stay at his parents for the 4 nights a month he sees them, and stay with you the other nights?

How are you going to actually afford this? Have you sat and talked finances? Because benefits will go down, utilities will all go up slightly, as will council tax, since you will lose the single discount. Food will go up, especially if you are feeding an extra adult every day and 3 extra kids 4 days a month. Are either of the 2 little girls still in nappies or night nappies, they aren't cheap?