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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think we should encourage our daughters to 'marry well'?

999 replies

windygallows · 09/04/2017 22:18

I know 'marrying well' is something our mothers and grandmothers crowed about but it's not a phrase I've heard much these days and it feels quite an anti-feminist sentiment in a world where women can do well without men.

Yet I wonder if marrying well - marrying into money or marrying someone who is in a well-paid profession - is something we should be encouraging our daughters to do. Why? Because not every woman wants to have a career and if you want to be a SAHM then really that's easiest if your DH is well paid. Also women still experience a pay gap and are in lower-paid roles by comparison, so having a well paid DH really does make up that pay gap.

Plus - when I look around at my female friends and peers (I'm mid-40s) of the ones who have a comfortable lifestyle and are able to work part-time or be SAHM, for about 3/4 that lifestyle is attributed to having a well-paid or wealthy DH. The other 1/4 got there through their work/career, family money etc. This is purely a sample of my peers, by no means the norm.

I'm a staunch feminist so it's a bit hard to write this but I'm also a single parent and know what a slog it can be making everything work on my own salary. Marrying well doesn't mean a good marriage or relationship but it does make things easier. In the end shouldn't we be having an honest conversation with our daughters about this and encouraging them to think a bit more about 'marrying well'?

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 09/04/2017 22:20

It saddens me, but I agree with you.

msrisotto · 09/04/2017 22:21

'Marrying well' is no indicator of future happiness, especially if you land yourself in the situation of being financially dependant on a potentially cheating/abusive/etc arse.

If the focus is on marriage, then maybe it should be 'marrying well' as in choosing a good man who doesn't expect a replacement mother or other sexist stereotypes.

surferjet · 09/04/2017 22:21

Yanbu.
Marrying 'well' makes life a lot easier for women.

TheStoic · 09/04/2017 22:22

Marrying well = choosing a person that you love, who loves you, always treats you well, and will be a true partner to you.

As simple and as difficult as that.

I would never, ever in a million years tell my daughter to 'marry well' from a financial perspective.

Pollydonia · 09/04/2017 22:23

^^^ this , with bells on.

ijustwannadance · 09/04/2017 22:23

NO! We should be telling our DD's to aim for the fucking sky so they are able to support themselves.

I certainly wouldn't want my DD to 'marry well' just so she could be a SAHM, especially if it wasn't a happy, loving relationship.

Original poster
windygallows · 09/04/2017 22:23

Msrisotto - I agree with you. Lots of women in marriages where they're economically dependent on men and feel unable to escape a miserable relationship. I'm not saying 'marry just for money', I'm saying really consider it with all other things considered.

Relationships can go sour no matter what the situation - but I do know that money issues is a huge cause of relationship strife and that life is just a lot easier when there's money going round.

OP posts:
Msqueen33 · 09/04/2017 22:23

I've got three daughters and in part agree. Money doesn't buy happiness but it does cause a shed load of arguments. I'd say somewhere in the middle.

Dilligaf81 · 09/04/2017 22:24

Marrying well would mean someone you love who loves and respects you back. Money doesn't not mean a happy life.

I'd be saddened if i felt I had to give my daughters this advice rather than teaching them what builds a strong healthy relationship.
It doesn't feel like something a staunch feminist would say or do.

Wolfiefan · 09/04/2017 22:25

I will be encouraging both my kids to marry well or not at all. By that I mean a kind person who loves, respects and cherishes them. Someone who shares their sense of humour and makes each day better for them.

statetrooperstacey · 09/04/2017 22:26

I disagree, though I did encourage my dd to marry well and she did just that last year.Smile
Marrying well to me, means marrying someone who is kind, dependable, honest, hardworking etc. bank account doesn't really come in to it.

OllyBJolly · 09/04/2017 22:26

Geez no! As the mother of two daughters my advice to them is to be as financially independent as you can. And probably also to never contemplate being a SAHM - unless there are a lot of safeguards built into the agreement.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 09/04/2017 22:26

Hell no! Marry for love, nothing else.

I also think to suggest a woman 'marrys well' for financial reasons is bloody offensive. It's akin to prostitution

Shenanagins · 09/04/2017 22:27

It's easier to get out of a shit marriage if you are financially independent.

Wolfiefan · 09/04/2017 22:27

I think OP may be a Middleton! Grin

Cherrysoup · 09/04/2017 22:28

A friend's sister said this to my friend. She herself 'married well' ie to a guy with money. I don't think she needs to work. She drives a very expensive car. Their parents have a lovely house with their horses at home. My friend has a static caravan in her pil's garden. Currently, she's not working, her dp does odd jobs. Thing is, she's really happy, so marrying well just seems a low priority! She's in love and not lacking much thanks to supportive parents.

Kpo58 · 09/04/2017 22:28

To me marrying well means marrying someone you love (and loves you back) with a job and some ambition in life.

I wouldn't be pleased if my DD in the future wanted to marry a drug user on benefits.

WellErrr · 09/04/2017 22:28

If you marry for money, you'll end up earning every penny.

We should be teaching our daughters the confidence and skills to build their own successful careers.

Original poster
windygallows · 09/04/2017 22:28

But 'Ijustwanna' not all women have the skills/savvy to 'aim for the sky' and many people aren't very ambitious. Also the world isn't particularly accepting of all women who 'aim for the sky' - it's just tougher for women. Why are there still so few female CEOs?

I have many friends from school who weren't very ambitious and just wanted to get married and have babies. And they've probably had a much easier life thanks to marriage to well-to-do husbands.

OP posts:
fufulina · 09/04/2017 22:28

I was having a chat with a male friend last night. I get quite outraged by people who say that feminism is a women's right to chose to work - or stay home. But men don't really have that option. And until it is considered odd for a woman to delegate earning money to the man in her life, we really won't change much - including attitudes about women at work.

LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 09/04/2017 22:28

Is your name Carole Middleton?

WatchMeSoar · 09/04/2017 22:29

If you marry for money you earn every penny
Just saying.

BackforGood · 09/04/2017 22:29

YABVVVVVVU if your definitioin of 'marrying well' is marrying someone rich.

I absolutely would encourage all my dc to marry "well", by my definition - that is marrying someone kind, considerate, thoughful, who loves and totally respects you as an equal partner. In finding that prson, they will have married very well.

I would encourage all of my dc (both ds and dds) to always try to be able to stand on their own 2 feet.
I'm in my 50s and many, many of my friends work PT. I can't think of any of them who are married to especially high earners - that has always been about managing your lifestyle to suit your income, not about finding some rich bloke to sponge off.

MysweetAudrina · 09/04/2017 22:30

I would prefer for my children to get good educations with a good career path and be in control of their own financial futures. I would never encourage them to see value someone's income as a quality to be sought after in a partner. There would a long list of other qualities i would value in a potential partner way before I would place income. I think work ethic, education, kindness, shared values, respect, chemistry, outlook would all be higher up the priority list. I would put wealth and looks as nice but not essential.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 09/04/2017 22:31

Yes I agree. I have done quite well for myself, work full time and I in no way am dependent on my DP, so in some ways I am a good role model for my DDs. But my peers who worked far less hard at school/uni, didn't strive for 'good' jobs etc all seem to have easier lives than me, as they married rich men. So they can work part time, have luxuries etc.

On a bad day when I am finding juggling everything a struggle, I do pause and wonder whether I should encourage my DDs to 'marry well'. DH and I have always earned about the same, and I love him, but would our life as a family have been better had I married a wealthier man??? Shock

Then again, I am proud of what I have achieved, so maybe I should encourage my DDs to be like me. I am ashamed of when I feel the reverse.