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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think we should encourage our daughters to 'marry well'?

999 replies

windygallows · 09/04/2017 22:18

I know 'marrying well' is something our mothers and grandmothers crowed about but it's not a phrase I've heard much these days and it feels quite an anti-feminist sentiment in a world where women can do well without men.

Yet I wonder if marrying well - marrying into money or marrying someone who is in a well-paid profession - is something we should be encouraging our daughters to do. Why? Because not every woman wants to have a career and if you want to be a SAHM then really that's easiest if your DH is well paid. Also women still experience a pay gap and are in lower-paid roles by comparison, so having a well paid DH really does make up that pay gap.

Plus - when I look around at my female friends and peers (I'm mid-40s) of the ones who have a comfortable lifestyle and are able to work part-time or be SAHM, for about 3/4 that lifestyle is attributed to having a well-paid or wealthy DH. The other 1/4 got there through their work/career, family money etc. This is purely a sample of my peers, by no means the norm.

I'm a staunch feminist so it's a bit hard to write this but I'm also a single parent and know what a slog it can be making everything work on my own salary. Marrying well doesn't mean a good marriage or relationship but it does make things easier. In the end shouldn't we be having an honest conversation with our daughters about this and encouraging them to think a bit more about 'marrying well'?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/04/2017 22:31

As a mother to three sons, I want them to marry someone they love, who loves them for who they are, not for their earning potential.

My sons are intelligent, caring, funny people - they are not just someone's cash machine.

Crumbs1 · 09/04/2017 22:31

Yes but marrying well for my girls would mean a kind, loving man who shared their core values and who they had much in common with. This will in effect mean someone who is an intellectual match, who's earning the same or more and who has good career prospects like them. I just can't see any of my girls going for a greasy, unemployed, beer swilling/smoking oik in a vest with a St Georges flag tattooed on their shaven head.

JessieMcJessie · 09/04/2017 22:32

Are all these women going to be marrying older men then, or waiting till their mid thirties to get married? Who can say these days whether someone in a particular job in their 20s is going to have long term solvency or financial stability/prospects? And sometimes the most unlikely people hit the jackpot work wise when you never expected it.

I'd say that daughters need to be encouraged to make their own money, and perhaps dissuaded if they seem hellbent on marrying a sponger/waster. Beyond that, it's a bit offensive to base one's lifetime ambitions on being bankrolled by someone else.

MorrisZapp · 09/04/2017 22:33

It's a moot point simply because the days of women marrying the people their parents advised them to are long gone.

I'd much rather see women taught about the financial realities of packing their jobs in to raise a family. Nearly every thread in relationships which involves a woman unable to leave an abusive man includes financial dependency.

honeylulu · 09/04/2017 22:33

"Marrying well" to me means not marrying (and certainly not having children with) a chauvinist. That's what I'll be advising my daughter.
FGS financial independence for women is SO underrated and I don't understand why!
Personally I wanted my own achievements. Living in the shadow of some bloke's glowing career would do fuck all for me.

Original poster
windygallows · 09/04/2017 22:33

Hi - I'm not a Middleton (funny) and am a very active feminist. I'm just posing this question because it's on my mind a lot and I've become especially mindful of it as I get into my 40s and realize that those women with the easiest life are often the ones who married it.

BTW I tell my daughters about the importance of having their own income and never assuming someone will look after them. But that's me, not everyone.

There are lots of women who won't make very much money, who will never be able to afford to live without a partner (do you know how hard it is to get by on one income these days?) And there are lots of people without ambition and there are women who aren't well educated or skilled....

OP posts:
Luttrell · 09/04/2017 22:33

I'd encourage them to avoid cheating, womanising, hard-drinking, violent tosspots, but no, get their own money. Rich men have many ways of ensuring all their money remains in their own pockets and their wives and forgotten children go penniless.

catscurledupbythefire · 09/04/2017 22:33

Let's be honest though a good education isn't all of it. It isn't really even some of it.

gillybeanz · 09/04/2017 22:35

I totally disagree with you.
I married for love and to a dh who respected by wishes and shared the same opinion on important stuff.
We have spent our married life (almost 25 years) on a low income and I was sahm for these 25 years.

I'm raising our dc both male and female to marry for love and stability, certainly not financial gain.
I'm teaching dd she doesn't have to rely on a man for finances but for an equal relationship and of course supporting her career that would never come second to a mans anyway.

JessieMcJessie · 09/04/2017 22:35

I am constantly amazed by marriages between people who are not intellectual equals. Can't think of anything worse.

mewkins · 09/04/2017 22:36

NO!!!! This goes against everything I believe in. Teach all children, boys and girls, to aim high and do the best they can and have a career that they enjoy and are passionate about. Teach them that money and material things aren't the most important thing in the world. That friendship, happiness and kindness are. And teach them that they can marry or not, do whatever makes them happy.

OllyBJolly · 09/04/2017 22:36

Thinking about it, the happiest women I know have never married at all!

toomuchtvandsocialmedia · 09/04/2017 22:37

I married a wealthy man who turned out to be abusive - luxury holidays and top of the range cars do not make up for a destructive relationship. When we divorced after 20 years, I was too scared to get a fair financial settlement so I am considerably less well off than I should be.

I hope my DD finds a partner who supports her in her career and who is kind, caring and a good parent. I hope my DS becomes all of these things and is a respectful and supportive partner.

fufulina · 09/04/2017 22:37

There are lots of women who won't make very much money, who will never be able to afford to live without a partner (do you know how hard it is to get by on one income these days?) And there are lots of people without ambition and there are women who aren't well educated or skilled....

You can change every instance of women here to people. I hate it that women have the 'marry a rich man' option. It simply propagates inequality.

Honeybee79 · 09/04/2017 22:37

What Stoic said.

JessieMcJessie · 09/04/2017 22:38

Why should these successful men be landed with unambitious, unskilled and dim wives? They should by rights be marrying the unambitious, unskilled and dim men.

TheStoic · 09/04/2017 22:38

How would you even go about telling your daughter/s this, OP?

I can't even imagine how that conversation would go. Would you steer her away from one man with less money or potential, towards another man with more? How would you do that?

Or would the conversation happen before she even started dating?

Original poster
windygallows · 09/04/2017 22:38

Everyone's responses are lovely but aren't they a bit idealistic? We can't guarantee that every single one of our daughters will have amazing careers nor will do well financially.

OP posts:
FairytalesAreBullshit · 09/04/2017 22:38

In an ideal world yes, they'd have the Prince Charming of husbands, in reality I don't think we can control who they fall for, but we can educate them on what is right and wrong.

This what I'm doing with DS, plus DD in the future when she gets to secondary school. Educate them and instil values so they'll behave well, plus they won't accept anything but the best.

Haggisfish · 09/04/2017 22:39

But the thing is, having enough money does bloody make the world go round. Or, if you haven't enough money, it makes life fucking miserable. I agree with all the lovely marry someone who loves you etc but would also add 'and can earn good money' to that list. I honestly think the way the world is at the moment, it usually takes two good earners to be able to have a nice lifestyle. Not extravagant, just nice.

Foldedtshirt · 09/04/2017 22:40

I will encourage all my DCs, DDs and DSs to marry well- to marry someone kind and clever and with a strong work ethic.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/04/2017 22:40

Frankly, I find it offensive that people could be encouraging their daughters to see my sons as nothing more than a walking wallet.

VestalVirgin · 09/04/2017 22:40

If you have basically given up on finding a decent man, then, yes, I can see how marrying some rich dude and making sure the conditions of the marriage are favourable (half-half split of the money in case of divorce, etc.) would look like a good alternative.
And considering how many women manage to get into abusive relationships while seeking for love, just being practical about looking for money maybe isn't that much worse. (Reading the relationship forums on here has made me aware of just how badly one can go wrong when trying to marry for love ....)

However, this is no solution to the pay gap. It does not solve any problems for women as a class.

As a feminist, you should always look at how you can make things better for all women.

Being able to land a hot wife because they're rich will not cause men to cease oppressing women, obviously.

And you should definitely never encourage your daughters to put all their eggs in one basket. Even a girl who would happily be a SAHM should get an education and be able to support herself.

Besides, I do find the mixture of marrying for money AND having romantic notions about it (that is epidemic in romance novels where the heroines somehow manage to tell themselves that they would love their millionaire abusive jerk just as much if he was a beggar ... as if) very dangerous.
If you marry for money, you need to be aware that the older and richer the dude, the more likely that he is marrying for youth and beauty and you will be exchanged for a younger model before long.

In other words: If you must be like Mrs. Bennett, encourage your daughters to be like Charlotte Lucas.

notadutchie · 09/04/2017 22:41

I'll tell my DD to marry whoever she wants, but to make sure that she's ALWAYS able to leave a relationship if she wants, and therefore not rely on him/her financially.

I'll tell my DS the same with the addition that if he marries someone who gives up work to be a SAHP then he (as the working spouse) needs to be aware of the other's vulnerability (as they might not) and make sure their finances are such that (s)he always has the choice of staying - or not. But I would be suggesting that he plan a good amount of paternity/unpaid leave so they can split the childcare better more equally.

If we want our daughters to have a better life, we have to also talk to our sons about it.

Original poster
windygallows · 09/04/2017 22:43

Stoic, I'm not planning to tell my daughter to only marry someone wealthy but to think carefully about compatability and the kind of life you want to have together.

OP posts:
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