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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we should encourage our daughters to 'marry well'?

999 replies

windygallows · 09/04/2017 22:18

I know 'marrying well' is something our mothers and grandmothers crowed about but it's not a phrase I've heard much these days and it feels quite an anti-feminist sentiment in a world where women can do well without men.

Yet I wonder if marrying well - marrying into money or marrying someone who is in a well-paid profession - is something we should be encouraging our daughters to do. Why? Because not every woman wants to have a career and if you want to be a SAHM then really that's easiest if your DH is well paid. Also women still experience a pay gap and are in lower-paid roles by comparison, so having a well paid DH really does make up that pay gap.

Plus - when I look around at my female friends and peers (I'm mid-40s) of the ones who have a comfortable lifestyle and are able to work part-time or be SAHM, for about 3/4 that lifestyle is attributed to having a well-paid or wealthy DH. The other 1/4 got there through their work/career, family money etc. This is purely a sample of my peers, by no means the norm.

I'm a staunch feminist so it's a bit hard to write this but I'm also a single parent and know what a slog it can be making everything work on my own salary. Marrying well doesn't mean a good marriage or relationship but it does make things easier. In the end shouldn't we be having an honest conversation with our daughters about this and encouraging them to think a bit more about 'marrying well'?

OP posts:
lizzieoak · 16/04/2017 15:47

I think, too, that it's easier to feel pulled between home and career when you find work meaningful. The work I do, and have mostly done, needs to be done (I work in government) but could be done by anyone. My talents aren't required for the job, and when they are they aren't appreciated. My kids, on the other hand, always sweetly appreciated my efforts. We had a German homestay student once and my kids were shocked that he didn't say thank you after dinner, nor when we took him on trips. Much like my bosses!

There was an interesting article in Slate a while back about how expecting your job to be fulfilling is a prerogative mostly of the middle class. It's trickier to feel fulfilled when you know they find you very replaceable.

Batteriesallgone · 16/04/2017 15:53

Not fulfilling my potential - tick

No life outside the home - tick

Geez what kind of SAHMs do you know?

BoboChic · 16/04/2017 16:06

My DP misses his DC all day long at work! He and they and we have lots of WhatsApp groups to help us through the times we aren't together. When the DC were little DP was forever finding ways to see them in the daytime...

lizzieoak · 16/04/2017 16:10

Cake to your dp Bobo! I know one guy I worked w was like this (his kid was 5-6 when I worked w him). Had loads of photos of the dc on his desk and desktop & forever taking days off because kid was sick (no-one is sick that much, they were just hanging out most of the time according to what he'd let slip later).

Maybe it's one of those "there's two kinds of people in the world" things.

PurpleDaisies · 16/04/2017 16:13

Had loads of photos of the dc on his desk and desktop & forever taking days off because kid was sick (no-one is sick that much, they were just hanging out most of the time according to what he'd let slip later).

He sounds like a bloody nightmare to have as a colleague.

lizzieoak · 16/04/2017 16:17

He wasn't (not in that sense anyway). I found it massively comforting that family was the priority at that workplace and just marvelled that he took so much time off without a twinge of worry.

lizzieoak · 16/04/2017 16:18

Work just went on without him and it meant we were busier which made the time go faster as the work was divided between fewer people.

PurpleDaisies · 16/04/2017 16:23

Taking sick days to hang out with your children is just ridiculous though. I'm amazed you're defending him. People like that make employers less likely to hire parents and it's absolutely unfair to expect everyone else to pick up the slack.

Were sick days paid?

GetAHaircutCarl · 16/04/2017 16:26

lizzie how did your Ex DH cope when he became the he ex?

Or did he seek residence of the DC?

lizzieoak · 16/04/2017 16:28

Sick days were paid at 75%.

It sort of made the rest of us feel we were pulling together and you'd feel pleased at the end of the day to have managed (only job I've ever liked).

If the worksite didn't mind then neither should you! Work life balance is all the rage in our sector: some bosses embrace it and some don't. The ones at that site were fine w people bunking off when they needed to refresh (I didn't take "mental health" days as I already missed enough work due to migraines).

floraeasy · 16/04/2017 16:30

I'm surprised the business didn't decide they could do without your colleague altogether! He didn't sound indispensable Grin

lizzieoak · 16/04/2017 16:31

Exh was not interested in sharing residency till the kids were teen & pre-teen, prior to that it was too much responsibility for him. Apparently. He makes loads of money but would take them out for meals and just order them chips while he had a proper meal as he'd tell them he "couldn't afford to buy them a full meal too" (he'd say this to me too!). They'd arrive home famished.

He loves them, but is not the nurturing type.

lizzieoak · 16/04/2017 16:32

It's govt and he's middle management and truly it's just not the work culture at that place. Generally the work culture in Canada is very family unfriendly, but in all levels of govt it seems to be improving.

floraeasy · 16/04/2017 16:34

It's govt and he's middle management

Mystery solved Wink

GetAHaircutCarl · 16/04/2017 16:34

lizzie so he missed his DC terribly but managed not to, you know, actually live with them? Grin.

PurpleDaisies · 16/04/2017 16:35

If the worksite didn't mind then neither should you!

If I was the one having to work harder because some lazy bones couldn't be arsed to come to work and wanted to sit at home on 75% pay, I can guarantee I'd have been pissed off. What an odd attitude for a work place to have. Being flexible with actual sickness, fair enough but to condone paid hanging out at home with the kids days is utterly nonsensical. That's what holiday is for.

lizzieoak · 16/04/2017 16:39

Get a haircut ...? Exh never claimed to me that he was missing his kids terribly. My coworker did though (miss his one dc). I remember saying I'd missed the baby when I'd had a morning out without her and he was most puzzled and said that while he was pleased to see her when she was there, he didn't think about her when he was gone. When she was about 2 months old he suggested going for a walk at midnight on a warm summers' night and I said "but the baby's asleep".

He's forgotten we had a baby =:-0

GetAHaircutCarl · 16/04/2017 16:42

He sounds a complete arse lizzie.

Parenting isn't about declarations of missing children. Or even actually missing them. Both are worth very little to the children.

lizzieoak · 16/04/2017 16:43

PurpleD, work is stressful enough for me without feeling pissy with colleagues (that's what bosses are for! Grin)

I did envy his ability to do it without worry, I'd have been consumed w worry about a bad performance review = being fired = losing our home = living in a box in the road. I am a master of catastrophising.

lizzieoak · 16/04/2017 16:46

Oh ya, exh was/is an arse. He's just not suited to marriage and kids, as we all found out too late. There was also a lot of drinking on his part and attendant woe is me hangovers most days and (despite largeish income) lack of money as he was drinking it. I would not recommend him! I always felt like the only adult in the family, so when we separated it was a relief to make that sense a fact.

BoboChic · 16/04/2017 16:46

If missing your DC galvanizes you into action to talk to them/see them/plan things for and with them, then missing them is a valuable feeling. It is good to take ownership of those feelings. Sadly, modern life rams it down our throats that missing your DC is for wimps.

floraeasy · 16/04/2017 16:48

I did envy his ability to do it without worry, I'd have been consumed w worry about a bad performance review = being fired = losing our home = living in a box in the road. I am a master of catastrophising

You sound sensible!

This guy's performance would definitely be looked at when time for cutbacks rolls around. Then he'd have all the spare time he wanted.

lizzieoak · 16/04/2017 16:48

Hear, hear Bobo! I think though that some people actually don't miss their kids because they're not geared that way. And the rest of us feel embarrassed about it.

lizzieoak · 16/04/2017 16:49

Flora, that dept doesn't experience cutbacks. I can't get into it as too outing, but his job is safe.

BoboChic · 16/04/2017 17:03

Oh, I completely agree lizzie - some parents (and not just fathers) don't want to see a lot of their DC and don't miss them when they have other interesting things to do. We are clearly not all equal when it comes to the intensity of feeling we have in our intimate relationships.

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