AIBU to think we should encourage our daughters to 'marry well'?

[windygallows]

I know 'marrying well' is something our mothers and grandmothers crowed about but it's not a phrase I've heard much these days and it feels quite an anti-feminist sentiment in a world where women can do well without men.

Yet I wonder if marrying well - marrying into money or marrying someone who is in a well-paid profession - is something we should be encouraging our daughters to do. Why? Because not every woman wants to have a career and if you want to be a SAHM then really that's easiest if your DH is well paid. Also women still experience a pay gap and are in lower-paid roles by comparison, so having a well paid DH really does make up that pay gap.

Plus - when I look around at my female friends and peers (I'm mid-40s) of the ones who have a comfortable lifestyle and are able to work part-time or be SAHM, for about 3/4 that lifestyle is attributed to having a well-paid or wealthy DH. The other 1/4 got there through their work/career, family money etc. This is purely a sample of my peers, by no means the norm.

I'm a staunch feminist so it's a bit hard to write this but I'm also a single parent and know what a slog it can be making everything work on my own salary. Marrying well doesn't mean a good marriage or relationship but it does make things easier. In the end shouldn't we be having an honest conversation with our daughters about this and encouraging them to think a bit more about 'marrying well'?

Xmas baby Yes I'm a feminist and I've done years of marching, years volunteering at women's centres and years in the pro-choice movement. Have you?

What does it matter if she has or not?

Would it make her view any less important?

This is really interesting and thank you for posing the question OP

Having given up my career after ds1 was born, my own wish and choice entirely, I am conscious of making sure dd13 doesn't do this.
Not because I regret it or it was the wrong decision,for me, but the circumstances are so much different for dd.

I know I needn't worry, as every scenario I give her in response to a statement of the future, she has a come back . She has it all planned which I know is unusual for a 13 year old, won't look at a plan B and is very driven.
She wants a sahp trailing dh and a nanny if she has kids, apparently. Dh and kids will accompany her round the world, of course

Worral you're right - it doesn't matter, i was just feeling a bit prickly that's all.

If you marry for money, you'll end up earning every penny.

^^ This is spades. The Eagles song Lying Eyes sums it up pretty well. In life there is a price to pay for everything, you just have to pick this price you're happy to pay.

I only have a son but no way in hell would I ever tell a daughter that. I will be teaching DS to be hard working, adaptable, to be determined.

My mum wanted me to marry well. She wanted me to marry a doctor/lawyer but I didn't. I married DH who is RN. Initially he made more money than I did (surprise to him, as I am a vet) but despite the fact that I had degrees and great exam results he actually earned more than i did. I want my dds to marry for love and be in a position where they can do so, so financially secure

In, not is

What does RN mean?

Registered nurse

Actually, thinking about what you've written in your OP...

Yet I wonder if marrying well - marrying into money or marrying someone who is in a well-paid profession - is something we should be encouraging our daughters to do. Why? Because not every woman wants to have a career and if you want to be a SAHM then really that's easiest if your DH is well paid.

If you swapped 'daughters' for 'sons' and said not every man wants to have a career and if you want to be a SAHD then really that's easiest if your DW is well paid

Isn't that like raising a cocklodger?

Because I've got 3 sons and I've made it more than clear to them, that if they want an easy lifestyle, they need to put the work in at school, university and then when they start their careers.

If they grew up with the notion that if they want the luxury (which it is ) of being a stay at home parent, all they need to do is marry a woman who has worked hard to get herself a career, and life off of her money, I'd think I'd failed massively as a parent.

live off her money

RN= Royal Navy

If my mum had "married well" it certainly wouldn't have been to my dad, he was lacking in education, from a working class family and had very little. However he DID have a tremendous work ethic and was as sharp as they come, he learnt a trade and built up his own business with my mum's support and became very successful. They achieved that together and more importantly they were and are each other's best friend. That's what I want for my DD.

Worra I agree. I have raised my dd s to believe that they will need
to work and have a career. That way they can marry whoever they seem fif. I trust their judgement.

God no. My dh had nothing. Had no home, no financial security, nothing much to offer me in terms of money or a home.
But we had love. That to me was most important. I'm no gold digger and I'd never marry for money.

Worraliberty - interesting isn't it when it's turned on its head. My aunt has just gone through a nasty divorce, she is outraged that her XH will now get half of everything having only been a SAHD (he put his career on hold when children arrived as she was main earner). I find it interesting that if this was a SAHM it would only seem outrageous if she didn't get half?

Totally agree with Worra and in fairness a lot of sahm are slated for living off their dh income, I have been on her in the past.
Some people assume if you are a sahm you're a martyr, shackled to a life of drudgery. It's certainly not well respected.

It's the old thing again of what works best for your family.
My ds weren't the academic type but we brought them up to do their best, get jobs, with good practical skills, life skills etc so they would be of good use to their future dw's and my dil's wouldn't hate me.

Absolutely what Worra said. The idea of raising any child to believe that they have a right to be supported by their other half... but that men aren't worth marrying unless they are well off.

Also, a career/financial 'power imbalance' at the start of a marriage can be a very bad thing.

Often the person who didn't 'marry well' out of the couple, will have the attitude that the other person is lucky to be with them.

And if that person has been brought up with such little self-worth as to seek someone to 'marry well', they'll probably be inclined to agree.

Who wants to live a life like that, where you feel you should be kissing the other one's arse?

Marrying someone who earns more than you means that you will be trapped into being the one who gives up work/goes part time when you have kids, your spouse will progress more quickly than you and that negative feedback loop will keep you lagging behind and financially powerless. Marry someone who is on par with you, share the joys and trials of childcare equally. It's the way forward IMO.

I like the idea of my DC marrying into wealthy families, preferably ones with yachts and villas overseas that I could go and stay in. Ohh, a penthouse London flat would be good too. 🤔

As it is my D.C. (girls and boys) seem to specialize in having very lovely but very skint partners 😂 I wouldn't dream of encouraging my DDs to marry well (wealth wise) but I have encouraged them and my sons to make sure they work hard and give themselves as many options as possible in life. They are all doing STEM subjects so that's a good start.

BTW I met my DH when I was 18 when I had just started training for my career and I admit that as well as finding him kind, handsome, funny and clever I was definitely attracted to the fact he was responsible and hard working. I correctly guessed he would do very well in life. I don't think it was shallow or sexist to notice that. I like to think both me and my husband married 'well'

I agree with your statement OP but it's on the "why" that I disagree.

Feminism is about equality. Encouraging my daughter to marry well would be to encourage her to marry her equal because I want to encourage her to earn well and be financially secure. This goes for my son too.

Imbalance at the start of a relationship is unhealthy. Being a stay at home parent should be a mutual choice with your partner based on the circumstances, not a unilateral goal in itself, irrespective of gender.

I will encourage my daughter to always be able to financially support herself and to marry someone who loves and adores her.

I married for love. We were both penniless students when we met. Just so happens, he has become a massive high flyer during the time we have been together, and has worked up to a 6 figure salary - whereas I would've probably stayed in a £25-30kish job had I not become a sahm.

Now, I admit, this was unbelievably clever lucky, I have a wonderfully comfortable life because of it - but would I have have just married him for money, without the love? NO! That would've bought me a lifetime of unfulfillment (that's not a word, but you know what I mean).

I've never cared about money so much, more happiness. I still say I could go back to being 'poor' and be happy - I was always happy when we didn't have much money. Meh, it's all a bit "Arthur" isn't it? Him: "I've always had money but never been happy" her: "I've never had money but I've always been happy".

Tell your girls to marry for love, but not to fall in love with someone who lives in a squat/drugs den/or, is a twat. Give her the strength and resources to be independent, not fall into an abusive relationship and so on. That's what my mum did for me.

I think we should ready girls for independence rather than what they can get from a partner. Prostitution is what springs to mind about what you're suggesting

Btw - should add, I'd be ok if we divorced as well. I have savings in my name, and an inheritance.