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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think we should encourage our daughters to 'marry well'?

999 replies

windygallows · 09/04/2017 22:18

I know 'marrying well' is something our mothers and grandmothers crowed about but it's not a phrase I've heard much these days and it feels quite an anti-feminist sentiment in a world where women can do well without men.

Yet I wonder if marrying well - marrying into money or marrying someone who is in a well-paid profession - is something we should be encouraging our daughters to do. Why? Because not every woman wants to have a career and if you want to be a SAHM then really that's easiest if your DH is well paid. Also women still experience a pay gap and are in lower-paid roles by comparison, so having a well paid DH really does make up that pay gap.

Plus - when I look around at my female friends and peers (I'm mid-40s) of the ones who have a comfortable lifestyle and are able to work part-time or be SAHM, for about 3/4 that lifestyle is attributed to having a well-paid or wealthy DH. The other 1/4 got there through their work/career, family money etc. This is purely a sample of my peers, by no means the norm.

I'm a staunch feminist so it's a bit hard to write this but I'm also a single parent and know what a slog it can be making everything work on my own salary. Marrying well doesn't mean a good marriage or relationship but it does make things easier. In the end shouldn't we be having an honest conversation with our daughters about this and encouraging them to think a bit more about 'marrying well'?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 09/04/2017 22:43

My son is 25 and at the start of a career where he could well earn quite a lot of money. I have to say I'm hoping he meets someone sooner rather than later, so that he's with someone mutually supportive in the early days. The idea of someone marrying him for money makes my blood run cold.

I think we should encourage our children (male or female) to marry people who want the best for their spouse, for themselves and for their family unit. I want them to be treated with respect far more than want them to be well off.

ConfidentlyUnhinged · 09/04/2017 22:44

I'll encourage both my daughter and son to marry well. To marry someone who respects them. Who is kind to them. Who shares their aspirations and work ethic.

WellErrr · 09/04/2017 22:44

We can't guarantee that every single one of our daughters will have amazing careers nor will do well financially

Or sons.

TheStoic · 09/04/2017 22:44

That's quite vague.

You say 'Think of the kind of life you want to have together.'

She says 'What do you mean?'

honeylulu · 09/04/2017 22:44

Jessie I agree!
One wonders why such successful wealthy men would be attracted to the unambitous/unskilled golddiggers women you mention?

ZilphasHatpin · 09/04/2017 22:44

We should encourage our daughters to learn well so they can work well and earn well and provide well for their own lives and those of any children they create. They should aim for a partner who has done the same.

Or perhaps I should encourage my sons to "marry well" because not every man wants to have a career and if you want to be a SAHD then really that's easiest if your DW is well paid.

PurpleDaisies · 09/04/2017 22:45

Marrying well = choosing a person that you love, who loves you, always treats you well, and will be a true partner to you.

This.

I can't imagine my mum ever sitting me down and encouraging me to look for someone rich, especially if she claimed to be a feminist.

MirandaWest · 09/04/2017 22:45

What if they are gay?

Papafran · 09/04/2017 22:45

Not really because marrying well is not a lifetime guarantee of stability. 50% of marriages end in divorce and it's the SAHMs who end up with the most shitty deals in the world when their husbands swan off with an OW. Instead, women need to be financially independent and refuse to give up that independence to become dependent on their husband.

In her mid-40's a family friend had a lovely lifestyle and was a SAHM with plenty of time for hobbies etc. Idyllic life. When she was 48, her highly paid DH revealed that he had been shagging his 29 year old secretary for a few years and that they were now in love and he was leaving. She got enough money to buy a modest house, but had not worked since she was in her 20s so could only get minimum wage jobs. She now lives quite a miserable existence, which would not have been the case had she refused to make such huge sacrifices for her DH.

Teabagtits · 09/04/2017 22:46

I'm a staunch feminist 🤣

I want my daughter to be self sufficient. To marry, if she chooses to do so, out of love and not any future husband or wife's secure finances.

bluethorn · 09/04/2017 22:47

I think it's only sensible to encourage our daughters to marry someone who earns well. That doesn't preclude them from being a high achiever and earning well themselves, but at least it gives them options. Plus these days young people need both partners to be earning well, for them to be able to buy a house and have a decent lifestyle. Lots of women I know are high earning, but married men who earn much less than them and they are stuck renting as they really need two people to be earning well to be able to get a mortgage (we're in London so house prices are very high).

I don't like the assumption that if a woman marries a wealthy man, that man can't also be loving and kind and share similar interests. DH is wealthy but he is also a great partner and father, and life is definitely easier for us thanks to his earning power. We would be happy if he earned less of course, but we never have to worry about money, and we can pay for things which make life easier. I am highly educated myself but I made the choice to take time out of my career for family reasons, and I'm glad I had the choice to do that.

annandale · 09/04/2017 22:47

I think you're right to tell your children that marriage is quite a serious business and they should take being permanently legally linked with another person as a big decision.

I certainly wouldn't encourage them to look at the financials first, though I would also not encourage them to ignore finances completely either - in that marrying someone who is criminal or shit with money is a short route to utter misery.

Original poster
windygallows · 09/04/2017 22:48

Stoic - well I probably would encourage my daughter to marry someone who has the same ambitons and intellect and potential as her, assuming she's brilliant of course! :)

I would discourage her from marrying someone with a radically different b/g to her (as I did) only because of there can be so much conflict and differences of opinion - that I discovered too late.

But we're acting like all our daughters are going to have amazing careers and not all of them do. For many women marriage is the thing that elevates them financially - sad but true.

OP posts:
CashelGirl · 09/04/2017 22:48

I would like to think I married well. I married a man who brings out the very best in me, who makes me feel amazing and powerful and strong, a man who has put the needs of our children first and has stayed home to raise them so I can do the job I love. We haven't got a bean, but we are very happy, we have loads to talk about and we are raising our daughters to know that they are the equal of anyone and that materiel wealth isn't the be all and end all.

Solasum · 09/04/2017 22:49

I read a poster on here once who had been told by her mother that it is as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man. After consideration I agree

InionEile · 09/04/2017 22:49

Encouraging your DC to make good marriages is reasonable for all parents - why restrict it to your daughters though? You should also be encouraging your sons (if you have any) to be 'marrying well'. The days when you can build a family's fortunes around one earner are long gone. Who's to say that sons won't equally benefit from marrying a woman with good earning potential?

Gaggleofgirls · 09/04/2017 22:49

Interesting 🤔

According to my mother I did incredibly badly when choosing DH, he was a bit of a wild card, we argued, his job was ok but only that and he was miserable in it, he was uneducated and his family are of a lower social standing (I know that's not PC but it's life)

Fast forward 10yrs and he is an amazing husband and father, he has educated himself and earns at least double my own parents, he is supportive of everything myself and the girls do and I cannot fault him.

I am so pleased I married for love and was not influenced by the disapproval of my parents. Despite what I think of my daughters choice in partners in the future as long as they love each other and can work things out together I hope I can be supportive.

brownmouse · 09/04/2017 22:49

The sad truth is that our society is now so divided that even if work really hard, you are likely to struggle financially for life.

So you need family money. And if you haven't got it, life will be easier if you find someone who has...

TheStoic · 09/04/2017 22:51

But we're acting like all our daughters are going to have amazing careers and not all of them do

Have you considered that it is possible to have a lovely life when NEITHER partner has an 'amazing' career?

clumsyduck · 09/04/2017 22:52

Hmmm
I'm financially independent which is what I would want to teach any dd to aspire too
However in doing so it was important to me to meet a "match " in that sense though of course I'm with dp because I love him and was attracted to his personality first of all I think I'd have lost interest if he had no ambition /job etc and expected to doss about mine with me supporting him

VestalVirgin · 09/04/2017 22:53

My sons are intelligent, caring, funny people - they are not just someone's cash machine

If your sons are truly that caring, then there's a good chance they won't make such big money, because they won't choose their job for the money, and they won't be seen as cash machine for the simple reason that they don't have that much cash.

So no need to worry.

Aroundtheworldandback · 09/04/2017 22:53

Take me for example.. having worked hard since leaving school, I acquired a disability later in life which puts a stop to my employability.

Very fortunately my dh is in the top 0.1% of earners so yes I have this disability which impacts hugely on my life; but I am lucky I do not have to think about money and my life would without question be very, very hard as I am not able to earn.

I'll be encouraging my dd to forge a good career. But I'll also be encouraging her to look for a kind, intelligent, ambitious family man to give her the option of being at home with her kids when they're little without compromising the family's lifestyle. Sod political correctness- my dd's more important.

SolomanDaisy · 09/04/2017 22:54

Most people want to marry people of similar intelligence and education level to themselves. So the best thing to do is to encourage our daughters to study hard and get an education. Both careers and 'marrying well' are then more likely to follow.

Original poster
windygallows · 09/04/2017 22:54

The Stoic - of course you can have a lovely life without the 'golden career' but virtually ever poster on here has suggested that their daughter will 'reach for the stars' and excel. Not all do.

Life is expensive. Of course millions of couples get by on standard salaries. But I suppose parents hope their children will do more than 'getting by' which can be a struggle.

OP posts:
Beebeeeight · 09/04/2017 22:55

When money goes out the door loves goes out the window.

People on this thread are naive in the extreme!