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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think we should encourage our daughters to 'marry well'?

999 replies

windygallows · 09/04/2017 22:18

I know 'marrying well' is something our mothers and grandmothers crowed about but it's not a phrase I've heard much these days and it feels quite an anti-feminist sentiment in a world where women can do well without men.

Yet I wonder if marrying well - marrying into money or marrying someone who is in a well-paid profession - is something we should be encouraging our daughters to do. Why? Because not every woman wants to have a career and if you want to be a SAHM then really that's easiest if your DH is well paid. Also women still experience a pay gap and are in lower-paid roles by comparison, so having a well paid DH really does make up that pay gap.

Plus - when I look around at my female friends and peers (I'm mid-40s) of the ones who have a comfortable lifestyle and are able to work part-time or be SAHM, for about 3/4 that lifestyle is attributed to having a well-paid or wealthy DH. The other 1/4 got there through their work/career, family money etc. This is purely a sample of my peers, by no means the norm.

I'm a staunch feminist so it's a bit hard to write this but I'm also a single parent and know what a slog it can be making everything work on my own salary. Marrying well doesn't mean a good marriage or relationship but it does make things easier. In the end shouldn't we be having an honest conversation with our daughters about this and encouraging them to think a bit more about 'marrying well'?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 09/04/2017 22:55

If your sons are truly that caring, then there's a good chance they won't make such big money, because they won't choose their job for the money, and they won't be seen as cash machine for the simple reason that they don't have that much cash.

That doesn't make sense. There are plenty of jobs where people can be caring and work hard in a profession where the rewards are high.

SheepyFun · 09/04/2017 22:56

I'd much rather be poor but married to someone who loved and supported me than rich but miserable. DH and I both work part time (though he does far more hours than me). It works really well in lots of ways - he genuinely understands what caring for a child is like, and I keep my hand in at work. We could afford for me not to work, but it's good for my mental health, and there's a fair chance that DH's health won't hold until retirement. If that happens, our lives will be better if I'm not stuck on the minimum wage. I'd recommend our setup far ahead of marrying money, and I hope it's a good model for DD.

TheStoic · 09/04/2017 22:56

virtually ever poster on here has suggested that their daughter will 'reach for the stars' and excel. Not all do.

They are suggesting that if they were to give their daughters advice, it would be to give THEMSELVES a good life. As opposed to telling them to find a man to give it to them.

catscurledupbythefire · 09/04/2017 22:56

I suppose the problem is realistically family life with two parents working full time because they have to, to pay the mortgage, is relentless and difficult. This can in turn lead to cracks in the relationship.

I know, I know, it's bad, bad, bad - but it's EASIER when someone is at home full time. The working parents doesn't need to worry about ill children or homework or any of the other logistics. The one at home doesn't have to stress about a long commute or Sunday night blues or late back and nursery closing at six. It's all just that bit calmer.

And although sex is interchangeable above its generally the woman who stops work.

PurpleDaisies · 09/04/2017 22:59

The Stoic - of course you can have a lovely life without the 'golden career' but virtually ever poster on here has suggested that their daughter will 'reach for the stars' and excel. Not all do.

Dh and I both have normal jobs. We'll never be loaded. I'm not sure teaching is classed as a "teach for the stars" job but we're very happy. Money is sometimes tight but we "get by".

It's great to encourage daughters to aim high to avoid just having to scrape by. I think telling them to do this by marrying well flies in the face of everything feminism is supposed to stand for.

anon050 · 09/04/2017 23:00

I would ( if I had any) be encouraging my daughters to marry men who aren't workshy, who have a profession that they love and ambition rather than they have a job at Poundland which they hate and will just drift aimlessly with no real interest in working ahead and advancing themselves.

I think this is important that if I'm teaching my daughter to be ambitious and to work hard, why shouldn't the husband be the same? Why should my daughter be saddled with a guy that doesn't have a job that she has to support? If he is earning a decent salary, she has the option of being Sahm. What if she were to lose her job and it takes ages to find another one? If the husband is in a dead end job, there will be a lot of stress and pressure because she is not in employment. What if she has a work related injury or illness that means she can no longer work?

Any daughter of mine is going to pick up on mine and DH's attitude of wanting more out of life than just settling for a non- inspired life with very little achievement or reward. So why on earth would I encourgage her to pick up with any dead beat and live a life of struggle and poverty.

Batghee · 09/04/2017 23:01

if by marrying well you mean coupling up with a man who loves, respects and supports them.... then yes!
But if you are purely on about money then no. Money is no guarentee of happiness. Rich men, hardworking men, are just as capable of treating you abusively as poorer or less ambitious men.

If anything we need to be teaching our daughters how to recognise men who will respect and support them. And i do think theres something to be said for making them understand that despite anything if they get pregnant there may be some points where they do need to heavily rely on a man... and so if theres any circumstances in which they may get pregnant they need to think about weather the man they are in that circumstance with, is able and willing to support them.

It would be good if women could really just have fun like men do, but still in this day and age it tends to be women who pay the price if they fall pregnant.

So yes id tell my daughter, not to marry well but to make sure that any man she slept with was a decent and kind man with some means of supporting her should things get rough.

Original poster
windygallows · 09/04/2017 23:01

The Stoic - you need to stop coming down on me! I have posed this question hypothetically, just as something to think about.

Of course we should be encouraging our daughters to give themselves a good life and to be economically independent. Of course. But life doesn't always work out that way. You can be economically independent but working on 0 hours contract on a shit salary and just not able to create the 'good life' you wanted or were promised.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 09/04/2017 23:02

No! This isn't the 19 century. Although encouraging them not to choose a violent, penniless loser is certainly a good idea.

Encourage them to choose a fulfilling life/career, and a life partner with similar values, who will support them emotionally, while having a fulfilling life themselves. Equality is very important. As is a similar sense of humour.

TheStoic · 09/04/2017 23:02

Why on earth do you think I'm 'coming down' on you??

I disagree with you and think you're wrong. That's all.

Original poster
windygallows · 09/04/2017 23:03

I think telling them to do this by marrying well flies in the face of everything feminism is supposed to stand for.

but PurpleDaisies - feminism hasn't worked for every woman, has it?

OP posts:
LoveDeathPrizes · 09/04/2017 23:04

It's 2017! Don't teach them to marry well - teach them to do well!

Original poster
windygallows · 09/04/2017 23:05

Stoic - I think you need to realize that I'm on your side, but I'm posing this question because I think it's worth a discussion.

OP posts:
Reactivedog · 09/04/2017 23:05

I think that if I am honest, I subconsciously chose someone with good earning potential.

I have been very poor and now am not. It is very difficult to struggle with no money.

LoveDeathPrizes · 09/04/2017 23:06

Feminism hasn't worked for everyone. But that's because it has so much work to do. You don't stop putting out a fire half way through because it's not out yet.

Astro55 · 09/04/2017 23:06

Many people meet their spouse when young - in education or beginning a career - you won't know how things can change

Your BF could by chance launch a great career in music or become famous overnight - or win the lottery!!

So unless you are schooled in a fee paying school your chances of mingling with the rich are limited

PurpleDaisies · 09/04/2017 23:06

but PurpleDaisies - feminism hasn't worked for every woman, has it?

So the solution is for them to find a rich man to look after them? Hmm

WorraLiberty · 09/04/2017 23:07

Stoic, I'm not planning to tell my daughter to only marry someone wealthy but to think carefully about compatability and the kind of life you want to have together.

But surely you'd give that advice to any child, not just one with a vagina?

It takes two people to make a marriage work and during their life together, they both need to contribute equally to that marriage - not just financially but emotionally too, constantly putting the others best interest/welfare at the front of their minds.

So imo 'marrying well', is finding someone willing to do exactly that, either with or without lots of money.

Remember, we're all just an accident or a serious illness away from a disability.

senua · 09/04/2017 23:07

AIBU to think we should encourage our daughters to 'marry well'

Well, I wouldn't encourage them to marry badly.Grin

The ideal is to marry 'quite well but not too well'. I would hate for DC to be the trailing spouse, so enthralled by the OH's earning power that they had to give up their own career and independence.

MidniteScribbler · 09/04/2017 23:07

Whilst I think the old concept of marrying someone wealthy as 'marrying well' is gone, I don't think there's anything to lose in guiding your children (both male and female) to select a partner that is on a similar wavelength to them about lifestyle and finances. If I had a daughter, I would certainly discourage her from marrying a man (or woman) who had never held down a steady job, and who had claimed their main ambition in life to be getting a high score on the PlayStation. Likewise, I would caution my son against marrying a woman who had never held a steady job and only wanted to be supported by her husband.

I'm a single parent, but I have a professional job and own two homes. I genuinely would not consider going out with a man who wasn't in a similar position financially to myself. I have worked far too hard to be anyone's meal ticket, and to risk my (and my son's) financial future because of a relationship. I'd rather stay single.

TheStoic · 09/04/2017 23:08

Stoic - I think you need to realize that I'm on your side, but I'm posing this question because I think it's worth a discussion.

No, we are not on the same side. That's ok, it takes all sorts. But we are not on the same side.

ZilphasHatpin · 09/04/2017 23:09

feminism hasn't worked for every woman, has it?

Every woman in the UK has the same legal right to vote as men in the UK.

Feminism has literally worked for every woman. Every single woman has something they wouldn't have had without feminism.

echt · 09/04/2017 23:09

I have mentioned this to my DD, that she should maintain financial independence and not hook up with the workshy. Also, this being Australia, to be very careful indeed about living with someone outside of marriage, as being a "de facto" here means such person could have claims on her property and pension.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 09/04/2017 23:10

Good God! I have always taught my girls the mantra "a man is not a financial plan". My dds are both really clever and have the whole world available to them. I am successful and make more than DH, which doesn't actually make any difference, but I could look after myself and my children if anything went wrong. I find the idea of women trying to " marry well " very uncomfortable and Pride and prejudice -y

MaidenMotherCrone · 09/04/2017 23:10

STDG.....exactly! I also have 3 sons who are lovely people and I feel sad that they may be viewed as worthy of marriage because of their bank accounts/earning ability.