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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter in law, aibu?

407 replies

SilverDoo · 18/03/2017 13:47

My son and Daughter in law were married for 5 years and have two children.

The separated 3 years ago after my son had an affair. They seemed fairly happy, although I know daughter in law had/has a drink problem which may have contributed.

When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son. They separated, my son carried on seeing the other woman (they are still together and have a 1 year old daughter.)

I supported my daughter in law, she came to live with my for a while and I helped her with money towards a new property. I see my daughter in law and the children once a week for a meal.

The children share their time equally between both parents. My son and daughter in law do not get on well. I don't speak to my son often, he says he feels betrayed by me.

My daughter in law is now expecting a baby. She plans to move to live with her boyfriend down south, quite a way from here. She plans to sell her house and drastically reduce the time she spends with her children.

I think it's a bad idea but have said she can stay with me on the weekends she comes back to see her children. Is this unreasonable of me, am I aiding her departure?

OP posts:
SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 18/03/2017 13:51

I think her meeting someone new/moving away etc way always going to happen really and in the nicest possible way your her ex mil so you don't have to agree with what's she's doing.

Why don't you talk to your ds much? Yes he had an affair and of course that isn't nice but he is still your son and let's face it he hardly committed the crime of the year

user123346 · 18/03/2017 13:53

You're doing nothing wrong at all. You have every right to want to have contact with your grandkids and obviously you think of your DIL as still family and get along great.

One of my uncle's cheated, they broke up after 19 years together. Both remarried. His ex always visted my Nan and called her mum up until the day she died. You don't just stop about someone. You love her, she loves you, no reason you shouldn't always be in each other's life's. And to be blunt, she didn't cause your son to be unhappy, he did by going with this other woman. So his issue, not yours.

Soubriquet · 18/03/2017 13:55

She's leaving the children with you when she moves away?

JonesyAndTheSalad · 18/03/2017 13:55

User I think OP is more concerned that the children won't be seeing much of their Mum. The Mum is planning to move away without her DC.

OP you're not being unreasonable to worry. It will be very hard for the children. How old are they?

sparechange · 18/03/2017 13:56

So exDIL is going to let your son be the resident parent when she moves? Or is he already?

I can see why your son is annoyed if you are making her move possible, but equally she probably wouldn't need to move if he hadn't fucked someone else

Nanny0gg · 18/03/2017 13:56

So she's moving away and leaving her children with their father (for school reasons?) and then seeing them by staying with you at weekends, yes? Is that the plan?

Lovewineandchocs · 18/03/2017 13:57

She would depart anyway if she's made up her mind to do so and she clearly doesn't want to take the children with her. Don't think of it as aiding her departure, you are facilitating the children's contact with her.

Original poster
SilverDoo · 18/03/2017 13:57

She's leaving the children with their father. They are 6 and 8.

OP posts:
Pinkheart5915 · 18/03/2017 13:58

I think if she wants to move away and have her baby with her new guy seeing her children less that is her choice and you don't have to agree with it, she's an adult and can do what she wants/thinks is best for her. She wants to go and you have no right to try and stop that because you don't approve of her choice. It's her choice to make.

Why don't you speak to your son often? Did you and he not get along or is it all because he had an affair? He had an affair not murder someone

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/03/2017 13:59

She's leaving the children with their father. They are 6 and 8. Sad

At least with your help she, and you, can spend time with them at weekends.

Soubriquet · 18/03/2017 14:01

Poor kids...

Parents split up and now mum is leaving them to have a brand new baby...

Bet they need some form of counselling when older

Bizzysocks · 18/03/2017 14:04

I think if she is going to move away she will do regardless of what you say. You offering for her to stay at yours can only mean she can visit more easily and often which is good. YANBU.

SanitysSake · 18/03/2017 14:05

Wow.. that takes a 'special' kind of woman to ditch her family and run off to start a new one.

Poor kids.

Sillysausage123 · 18/03/2017 14:11

How is a mum moving away from her kids with her new boyfriend any different than dads who do this all the time and no one bats an eyelid. It's almost expected dads are allowed to make a new family and start afresh by moving but a sin for a mother

User006point5 · 18/03/2017 14:11

At least with your help she, and you, can spend time with them at weekends.
I can't see her maintaining contact when she has a small baby. YANBU to feel the way you do. You want to do the right thing, but no-one else does. Sad

User006point5 · 18/03/2017 14:13

How is a mum moving away from her kids with her new boyfriend any different than dads who do this all the time and no one bats an eyelid
No different at all. Who doesn't bat an eyelid? I've known a case where it happened this way round - I was friendly with the second wife, and they went abroad for a couple of years. Awful for the children.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 18/03/2017 14:15

She has clearly got over what your ds did. Time you built bridges too.

You can still offer a week end home and see the gc.

Hulder · 18/03/2017 14:17

You do seem to have done a huge amount for her, above and beyond a typical ex-MIL.

It's lovely you have a relationship and can totally see that at the time you thought your son had behaved like a shit.

But her living with you, you giving her money for a property - this is going to look really weird to your son, especially as the OW is turning out not to be a brief affair but a serious life partner.

And if she's prepared to leave her children to live with a new partner, perhaps your son had a point in splitting up with her? Yes, absolutely he should have split up and then looked for a new partner but human beings being what they are, this is most commonly how people end relationships.

She's going anyway, you aren't aiding her departure. But a priority would be to work on your relationship with your son - you sound closer to her than him.

Bloosh · 18/03/2017 14:18

I feel sad for your ds as all your focus seems to be on your ex-dil who sounds really selfish.

dowhatnow · 18/03/2017 14:18

I too feel sorry for the kids but if she is determined to do this then your plan is best for the kids.
There must be more to the not seeing your ds much. Can you build bridges there? There is no excuse for the affair but if his wife had a drinking problem and is capable of leaving her children, maybe there were bigger problems in their relationship which you don't know about.

Hassled · 18/03/2017 14:19

I can't see it being particularly manageable for her to be spending weekends with you once the baby's actually arrived - how much has she thought this through?

You're in a hell of a hard place - but it's in your interests and the children's interests if you do some rapid bridge-building with your son, so that you're around more when he has effectively full care of the kids. I can see why you supported your DIL, and that's admirable, but now your son will be in more need of support.

diddl · 18/03/2017 14:20

So you want her to stay with you to make sure that you get to see the children?

Nomoreworkathome · 18/03/2017 14:21

What a shitty way to behave. The kid are so young. She is putting her own needs well above those of her kids. Really feel for them. Sad

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2017 14:22

I don't understand how any woman can leave her children. Especially just to live with another man. Yes do what you can to help, but for me she's a monster.

paulapantsdown · 18/03/2017 14:24

poor kids - they have rotten parents

glad at least they have a gran who puts them first

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