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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter in law, aibu?

407 replies

SilverDoo · 18/03/2017 13:47

My son and Daughter in law were married for 5 years and have two children.

The separated 3 years ago after my son had an affair. They seemed fairly happy, although I know daughter in law had/has a drink problem which may have contributed.

When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son. They separated, my son carried on seeing the other woman (they are still together and have a 1 year old daughter.)

I supported my daughter in law, she came to live with my for a while and I helped her with money towards a new property. I see my daughter in law and the children once a week for a meal.

The children share their time equally between both parents. My son and daughter in law do not get on well. I don't speak to my son often, he says he feels betrayed by me.

My daughter in law is now expecting a baby. She plans to move to live with her boyfriend down south, quite a way from here. She plans to sell her house and drastically reduce the time she spends with her children.

I think it's a bad idea but have said she can stay with me on the weekends she comes back to see her children. Is this unreasonable of me, am I aiding her departure?

OP posts:
Annesmyth123 · 18/03/2017 14:38

God you massively overstepped the mark when her and your son split up.

Get your money back when she sells the house.

Italiangreyhound · 18/03/2017 14:39

Sillysausage123 "How is a mum moving away from her kids with her new boyfriend any different than dads who do this all the time and no one bats an eyelid."

I would certainly bat an eyelid if my dh moved away from his children to set up a new family.

The loss of either parent will be potentially devastating for a child, especially for a young child.

Personally I think a key loss is the loss of the main care giver, if that is the mum, the loss of the mum will be more devastating. If it is the dad, the same.

Very young children, pre school, potentially spend significantly more time with the main care giver. So the issues will be different depending which parent currently spends more time with the children.

I know people who lost mums to death or desertion as children and it seems to have made a huge impact on them. I expect some of my friends have lost dads too but it has not been such a major factor that we have talked about it so much.

To me this says that traditionally mums have been the main care givers not that mums are more important than dads.

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2017 14:39

Yes much better to back the horse that lied to his wife and children, attempted to get his mum to lie for him then set up home with the ow and had another child. Yes he clearly has better moral fiber than mum.

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2017 14:41

And for the record, my view is marriages break down, there is two sides, but for people who leave their young children totally like this, then there is a special place in hell for them. Irrrlevant if they are male of female.

MatildaTheCat · 18/03/2017 14:42

Step back and accept that they are all adults and will have to make their own mistakes. She wants to move away, maybe she feels that her ties to you are now slightly inappropriate even?

I would try to get back the money and use it to continue to help your gc in any way they need. The poor children have been messed around too much.

When you say she has a drink problem what do you mean?

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 18/03/2017 14:43

The marriage broke down because the op interfered and told his wife.

No, the marriage did not break down because of the OP - the marriage broke down because her son cheated on his wife. It was his doing, his fault. Nobody else to blame!

Funnyonion17 · 18/03/2017 14:43

Op. Your loyalty isnt right. You state you went and told everyone what your DS did, but your DiL has done plenty and you kept out of it. Also it's disgusting you verbally abused his partner in the street.

I can see you are a loving person and obviously somewhere along the line you've been bluffed by her. Any parent that moves to the other side of the country to leave their kids and have a new family is disgusting in my opinion. How will the baby bond with siblings?

Also, to me you sound more for the kids then anything. Like your concerned now your DS will be resident parent as he doesn't think highly of you ya won't see them, so you've given her a room for every weekend. She sounds a selfish mother and you sound like you need to prioritize what's right for everyone, not yourself. As imo your chief concern is access to the kids

Original poster
SilverDoo · 18/03/2017 14:44

Yes, admittedly one of the main reasons I am facilitating contact is so that I get to spend time with my grandchildren. I can't see my son going out of his way to allow them to spend time with me.

OP posts:
SookiesSocks · 18/03/2017 14:45

No Bluntness it broke down because he was having an affair. If his wifes drinking was too much for him to handle then he should have ended it not fucked another. Plus he wanted his mum to collude with him so it does not look like he was going to tell his wife anytime soon.

The mum is leaving the children with their dad. The other parent. Just like many many fathers do. Its because she is the mum that the thread is going this way. Those that deny it are lying.

Soubriquet · 18/03/2017 14:45

Have you seen your new grandchild yet? Or have you completely rejected her?

Annesmyth123 · 18/03/2017 14:46

By your own admission your dil is an alcoholic. Have you told all the family that?

Given you're so free with your mouth to your sons new partner, did you do the same to your dil when she was behaving what you call, quite badly towards your son?

Soubriquet · 18/03/2017 14:46

I'll be honest here Sookie and say yes I am condemning her because she's the mum.

She carried those children inside her 9 months. She birthed them too. Maybe she breastfed them. How can a mother just walk away?

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2017 14:46

The marriage broke down because the op interfered and told his wife.
No, the marriage did not break down because of the OP - the marriage broke down because her son cheated on his wife. It was his doing, his fault. Nobody else to blame!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/03/2017 14:47

Adultery is what breaks up marriages not people calling you out on your shitty behaviour

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2017 14:49

The mum is leaving the children with their dad. The other parent. Just like many many fathers do. Its because she is the mum that the thread is going this way. Those that deny it are lying.

SookiesSocks · 18/03/2017 14:50

How can a mother just walk away?

How can a father?

We have no idea what is going on in her head. She may feel she failed them and that they are better off with dad and a loving grandma. She may feel the affair was her fault ( bluntness thinks it is) and dad and ow can offer something she cant.

She may want a fresh start to her life but feels its unfsir to take the children away from dad and granny so sees this as better for the children.

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2017 14:51

Adultery is what breaks up marriages not people calling you out on your shitty behaviour

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 18/03/2017 14:51

Bluntness - maybe I'm living in lalaland, but if he felt there was no way forward, then he could've ended the marriage and then screwed around. He chose to cheat. Of course there is always two sides to a story. But he's the one who messed around.

And in my books, if someone cheated on me that would be the end. No second chances.

sonjadog · 18/03/2017 14:51

You have interfered with things you should have stayed impartial about. You need to recognize that, learn and try to build your relationship with your son again.

Annesmyth123 · 18/03/2017 14:52

The wife was an alcoholic. That's a really difficult thing to deal with and the son is still with the same partner.

I have a friend who this happened to - but it was his father was the Alcoholic and his mother had an affair and subsequently married her affairman. Don't underestimate the damage the wife being an alcoholic will have done. From what my friend describes his mother had the life of a dog, as did he and I am not in the least surprised his mother had an affair.

siblingrevelryagain · 18/03/2017 14:52

I'm with sobriquet-it shouldn't be different with a mom, but it just is. Maternal instinct/hormones/physically carrying baby etc. are powerful things, as is our nurturing tendencies so it does somehow feel worse when a woman walks away.

SookiesSocks · 18/03/2017 14:52

Whatever Bluntness you are blaming the wife and ignoring the affair even citing her drinking problem is to blame.
You are not a man are you Hmm

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2017 14:52

he may feel the affair was her fault ( bluntness thinks it is) and dad and ow can offer something she cant.

Hulder · 18/03/2017 14:52

You need to out and out apologise to your DS. And say that you would v much like to apologise to his new partner. You interfered far too much in his marriage and have successfully cut him off from the rest of his family.

Going round all the other family members saying you got it wrong and there are 2 sides to everything, you had no idea what was happening in their marriage and you've all been horrid to DS would also be a start.

However be prepared for your DS to think this isn't genuine on your part and just because you want to see the GCs now exDIL is buggering off. Can you imagine how hurtful it is to know your own mother doesn't really want to see you, just your kids?

Original poster
SilverDoo · 18/03/2017 14:53

She was an alcoholic and receiving medication from her doctor at the time of the affair. She now drinks but not to excess, we can happily share a few glasses of wine without her going overboard.

OP posts:
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