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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter in law, aibu?

407 replies

SilverDoo · 18/03/2017 13:47

My son and Daughter in law were married for 5 years and have two children.

The separated 3 years ago after my son had an affair. They seemed fairly happy, although I know daughter in law had/has a drink problem which may have contributed.

When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son. They separated, my son carried on seeing the other woman (they are still together and have a 1 year old daughter.)

I supported my daughter in law, she came to live with my for a while and I helped her with money towards a new property. I see my daughter in law and the children once a week for a meal.

The children share their time equally between both parents. My son and daughter in law do not get on well. I don't speak to my son often, he says he feels betrayed by me.

My daughter in law is now expecting a baby. She plans to move to live with her boyfriend down south, quite a way from here. She plans to sell her house and drastically reduce the time she spends with her children.

I think it's a bad idea but have said she can stay with me on the weekends she comes back to see her children. Is this unreasonable of me, am I aiding her departure?

OP posts:
SanitysSake · 18/03/2017 14:54

PhilODox and ClopySow

Re: my post, I felt the status of the father being rotten had already been established in the original post. So why repeat it?!

Both are reprehensible. I just feel terribly sorry for the kids who are being left behind. That, I feel, is the issue here.

Annesmyth123 · 18/03/2017 14:54

You are an enabler. And deluded. And way way overstepping the mark in interfering.

Is this a reverse?

ShastaBeast · 18/03/2017 14:57

People may criticise men for doing the same but they are never told "there is a special place in hell" for them or they are "monsters". They are often framed as victims and that women always get custody.

I had a bad patch in my marriage. I was a SAHM and even if we sold our place I couldn't afford another place to accommodate myself and kids, even now I'm working it wouldn't be affordable. My only option would be to leave and go back to my family, the other side of the country - but England isn't that big so weekend visits are feasible, especially by train now. I could uproot the kids with me and away from their dad, or I could let their dad look after them in their home and existing school etc. It would feel more cruel to uproot them with me, even if it's more heartbreaking for me being apart. Would I be a monster if I had to leave? Are parents monsters for choosing careers where they are away during the week or for months at a time?

Soubriquet · 18/03/2017 14:58

OP have you seen your new grandchild yet? Are you fighting this much to see her? Or are you rejecting her because she came from the OW?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/03/2017 14:59

Did anyone else not read the bit where daddy had an affair then ran off and had a new baby with the ow?

He had the children 50% of the time. The DIL is running away completely starting a new family and going to see current DC sparingly.

If it was a man doing it he would be ripped to spreadsheet on here. It is no different just because the person doing the abandoning is the DM!

SookiesSocks · 18/03/2017 15:00

Apparently you would be Shas

You say there are 2 sides to every marriage Bluntness but you are calling this women a monster saying she deserves to be in hell yet you have no idea for her reasons.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/03/2017 15:00

People may criticise men for doing the same but they are never told "there is a special place in hell" for them or they are "monsters". They are often framed as victims and that women always get custody.

Errrrr not on MN they aren't Hmm

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/03/2017 15:00

You appear to be missing the obvious blunt.

He didn't have to commit adultery. He could have left but he did do it and it did break up his marriage

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/03/2017 15:00

I'm fine with the telling. I don't have to lie for anyone. But I can't fathom paying legal fees for someone to fight my child for custody of my grandchild. Or telling people off in the street.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/03/2017 15:01

He didn't have to commit adultery. He could have left but he did do it and it did break up his marriage

The DM doesn't 'need' to leave her DC behind however she wants to move and play happy families with new baby.

Annesmyth123 · 18/03/2017 15:02

What mrsterrypratchett said. And add. Giveing them money to buy a house.

user1467798821 · 18/03/2017 15:02

Silver, I would really like to know how you supported you Dil without feeling like piggy in the middle. Having a similar situation here and definitely feel like I am in the thick of the drama

Original poster
SilverDoo · 18/03/2017 15:04

I have seen my grandchild a few times, my son brought her to see me. I imagine his partner isn't too keen on spending time with me.

OP posts:
SookiesSocks · 18/03/2017 15:06

But Needs he did need to have an affair.
The poor little mite could not possibly leave his unhappy marriage like he should have done. He needed to have sex with someone else and ask his mum to lie for him as it was much easier on everyone that way.

Annesmyth123 · 18/03/2017 15:06

There's something about this not sitting right and I can't explain it.

Are you the new partner trying to understand why your mil is acting as she is?

Soubriquet · 18/03/2017 15:07

I imagine his partner isn't too keen on spending time with me.

Can you blame her after what you did?

Inertia · 18/03/2017 15:09

The marriage breakdown is not the fault of the OP. It's definitely the fault of her son, who had an affair, and potentially also of the DIL due to alcoholism.

Helping your grandchildren to remain fed, clothed and housed when your son has decided to leave the children's mother for an OW is certainly not a crime.

And the son is in no position to take the moral high ground where betrayal is concerned!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/03/2017 15:09

But Needs he did need to have an affair.
The poor little mite could not possibly leave his unhappy marriage like he should have done. He needed to have sex with someone else and ask his mum to lie for him as it was much easier on everyone that way.

Yet he is the one that is stepping up for his DC whilst their DM buggers off.

How about focusing on the effect that will have on the DC. Their DM moving away with new baby and new partner and not taking them with her.

ohdoadoodoo · 18/03/2017 15:13

You're not doing anything wrong at all. You sound lovely

GinDoll · 18/03/2017 15:16

If I was your son I wouldn't have contact with you either. You should have stayed out of everything. It seems you've caused a complete mess.

GinDoll · 18/03/2017 15:18

Sorry cut off by accident... or at least helped with the mess. You should have stayed it of it but as what's done is done could I suggest some massive apologising to his son, his partner and some promises to keep your nose out in the future. Then let your DHL do what she wants. She's going to anyway so you might as well be supportive.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 18/03/2017 15:21

I've re-read the whole thread, and I can't see where the son asked his mother to cover up for him. Rather the OP said that When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son which suggests she thought that not saying anything to anyone was collusion. Confirmed by her later post My son did try to talk to me about the affair but I didn't want to be in cahoots with him about it, I felt like he was making a mistake and I would be assisting it by not speaking out.

She then took it on herself to share the information with Uncle Tom Cobbley and all:
My son is upset with me as I told my elderly mother (his grandmother), and the family members what he had done and now they refuse to speak to him. I thought it best to be honest with them

Why did you think it was best to tell the rest of the family? Or did you just enjoy being the one to spread the gossip?

You really seem very hung up on honesty when it's your DS don't you? Is it comfortable up the on the moral high ground?

Yet when it's your DiL My daughter in law has behaved quite badly towards my son over the past 3 years although I've not got involved. Because you thought you wouldn't see the kids?

Get off your high horse and stop interfering and trying to direct their lives. Whether your DiL is right or wrong, a lot of this situation seems to be of your making.

Bloosh · 18/03/2017 15:24

Not to mention the new baby who doesn't seem to figure at all hulder

Chippednailvarnishing · 18/03/2017 15:24

She now drinks but not to excess, we can happily share a few glasses of wine without her going overboard

I was considering your actions as being those of someone stuck in the middle of an unpleasant situation. But enabling an alcoholic to continue drinking is disgusting. Long term i think the DCs will be better off with their father and without you the interfering Grandmother.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/03/2017 15:25

I wouldn't stand by and let any of my children lie to other family members either

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