My daughter in law, aibu?

[SilverDoo]

My son and Daughter in law were married for 5 years and have two children.

The separated 3 years ago after my son had an affair. They seemed fairly happy, although I know daughter in law had/has a drink problem which may have contributed.

When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son. They separated, my son carried on seeing the other woman (they are still together and have a 1 year old daughter.)

I supported my daughter in law, she came to live with my for a while and I helped her with money towards a new property. I see my daughter in law and the children once a week for a meal.

The children share their time equally between both parents. My son and daughter in law do not get on well. I don't speak to my son often, he says he feels betrayed by me.

My daughter in law is now expecting a baby. She plans to move to live with her boyfriend down south, quite a way from here. She plans to sell her house and drastically reduce the time she spends with her children.

I think it's a bad idea but have said she can stay with me on the weekends she comes back to see her children. Is this unreasonable of me, am I aiding her departure?

sanity that is exactly what the father has done! Double standards, always, for women.

Tbf most father's don't get the choice of taking the kids with them when the marriage ends, even if they want to. Dh' s a great father but if our marriage packs up he'll be seeing them a night in the week and row just like most dad's.

eow not row

I feel really sorry for these kids losing their mum for much of the time. If you have any positive influence over her I'd really encourage her not to leave her kids. It can really mess the. Up. Her partner for involved with her knowing where she lives and she has kids. He should be moving to be near her.

Offering 'a homr away from home' or whatever for her to see kids is good.

Please build bridges with your son. He will have care of the kids now and so will be the person you need to liaise with for contact with them. Plus he has another child that you presumably wish to see.

For what it is worth I think you were on the wrong to disclose the affair to your DIL. If your son is upset with you about that, I think he has a right to be. Of you are upset with him, I think you need to get over it.

sanity that is exactly what the father has done! Double standards, always, for women.

I agree Bluntness

She's essentially dumped the two children she has to make a brand new family. Poor kids

I can understand why your son felt betrayed by you. Personally I'd be trying to mend my relationship with my son and his three children.

Trying to get my head around how any mother can leave her DC behind while she moves away to play happy families elsewhere. 😞

Omg, you told the daughter in law about your sons affair???? Wtf. Why did you interfere like that?

Wow.. that takes a 'special' kind of woman to ditch her family and run off to start a new one

I don't understand how any woman can leave her children. Especially just to live with another man. Yes do what you can to help, but for me she's a monster

Interestingly the same never gets said about men, who do this kind of shit the whole time.

I have a strained relationship with my son. I let his partner now what I thought of her on several occasions when I bumped into her in the street a year or so after the affair.

My son is upset with me as I told my elderly mother (his grandmother), and the family members what he had done and now they refuse to speak to him. I thought it best to be honest with them.

My daughter in law has behaved quite badly towards my son over the past 3 years although I've not got involved. I've just continued to support her for the sake of the children. I think he feels betrayed by this.

I have tried to make amends with my son but our relationship is still strained.

SilverDoo you are not aiding her departure and she will no doubt do what she wants to do anyway. However this might have an impact on your relationship with your son, which you have already stated is not as good as it could be. I would also be concerned that your DIL is using you ? Do you feel she values your relationship with her? You are not responsible for facilitating her relationship with her children.

Did anyone else not read the bit where daddy had an affair then ran off and had a new baby with the ow?

I agree with you, Bluntness, but I feel exactly the same about men.

My son did try to talk to me about the affair but I didn't want to be in cahoots with him about it, I felt like he was making a mistake and I would be assisting it by not speaking out.

Like I said Sookie

Poor kids

I get the impression that the OP wouldn't have a problem talking to her son but he doesn't want to talk to her because of her involvement in the initial split with his wife . OP do you get on with the current 'DIL' and get to see that GC ?

Interestingly the same never gets said about men, who do this kind of shit the whole time.

Silver you did the right thing. Him asking you to be part of his dirty little secret was wrong.

I assume there's a reason why your daughter-in-law's new partner can't relocate to your neck of the woods instead as this is the obvious answer? Is the reason insurmountable? Does he have children where he lives perhaps?

ClopySow
It certainly does get said about fathers!

He is also upset as I felt that the children would be best off with my daughter in law after the fair happened and they separated. I offered to assist my daughter in law with legal fees. I didn't want them to live with the other woman.

Well op, I think you not only interfered in their marriage too much, but you backed the wrong horse.

With all due respect here OP but that was never your business

It should have been between them to come to an arrangement

Yes much better to back the horse that lied to his wife and children, attempted to get his mum to lie for him then set up home with the ow and had another child. Yes he clearly has better moral fiber than mum.