My daughter in law, aibu?

[SilverDoo]

My son and Daughter in law were married for 5 years and have two children.

The separated 3 years ago after my son had an affair. They seemed fairly happy, although I know daughter in law had/has a drink problem which may have contributed.

When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son. They separated, my son carried on seeing the other woman (they are still together and have a 1 year old daughter.)

I supported my daughter in law, she came to live with my for a while and I helped her with money towards a new property. I see my daughter in law and the children once a week for a meal.

The children share their time equally between both parents. My son and daughter in law do not get on well. I don't speak to my son often, he says he feels betrayed by me.

My daughter in law is now expecting a baby. She plans to move to live with her boyfriend down south, quite a way from here. She plans to sell her house and drastically reduce the time she spends with her children.

I think it's a bad idea but have said she can stay with me on the weekends she comes back to see her children. Is this unreasonable of me, am I aiding her departure?

You completely railroaded me with the reversal and omitting the abuse which changes a lot. But anyway, your ex is an abusive twat so end of story there really. Your mother is scum for not believing you and continuing her relationship with him. I read so many threads on here and I honestly think the world would be a much simpler place if everybody stood up for themselves and told the fucking truth. Tell your mother to fuck off, your ex who she welcomes in with open arms, feeds and waters and colludes with, BEAT YOU and abused your child she claims to love so much. Why the hell would you want anything to do with her? Be glad your ex is pissing off, your children would be worse off growing up with a temperamental and abusive father. When they're old enough to understand, you can tell them the truth about their father.

I do think it's a shame that you did a reverse, Op.

You probably would have got flamed for the affair, but the real question for you is how to deal with your mum from now on & I think that a lot of people would have said to just not bother with her.

She has made her choice about who she sees/supports & you can make yours.

OP what was your relationship like with your mum before the affair? And how do your DC feel about her? She sounds awful going from what you've said.
I have an incredibly selfish and manipulative F (he's not deserving of the D) and he controlled and manipulated me for years until i had enough. Then he told lies about me to my family, which they all believed as he is very believable. He used money as a weapon, once hand delivering an expensive Christmas present to my sister and snubbing me entirely after a really minor disagreement. That was practically him at his nicest! He did so many awful things and i gave him so many more chances as he really could turn on the charm. After going completely NC I've never been happier. It was a horrible decision to make and i felt like such a bad person for doing it, but it's the best thing i ever did. I know all circumstances are different, but if your mum was no peach before all this, it sounds like she is completely toxic.

Totally agree with Bill women should not be martyrs to alcoholic men (or vice versa!).

emmyrose I am no fan of affairs but wives are not their husband's property, or vice versa! If a woman or man sleeps with another while married it is not an offence against the children! It could lead to the end of an otherwise unhappy, and in this case, abusive, marriage.

Ok, I get it now a few posters have clarifed and you have agreed OP. I'm not completely against reverses, I don't get the big deal tbh.

I said before the mum should have stood by her actual child, not her 'daughter in law' and I still stand by that. Your mum should have been supporting you. She is an absolute untrustworthy bitch. You really should think about cutting your whole family off, they bring no benefit to your DCs lives. And ok, I abhor affairs tbh, but having an alcoholic partner would be unbearable to me and I won't condemn you for what you did in that situation. I'm glad you have found someone decent and everyone else has shown their true colours. How many times are women on here told to LTB, you would have been told the same had you posted about the situation at the time.

Your mother has played an appalling role in this and don't fall for her act now. Your children will be better off without her in their lives.

Totally agree with Harry.

OP are you thinking of cutting your toxic mum out of your life? I would.

*italiangreyhound
Well I don't know how to respond to posts that are not straightforward and give honest opinions. As I thought mumsnet was about you posting real comments about the situation expecting to receive honest opinions.
Or is that too much for me to expect? Don't really know why comment was responded to by you. Still puzzled