My daughter in law, aibu?

[SilverDoo]

My son and Daughter in law were married for 5 years and have two children.

The separated 3 years ago after my son had an affair. They seemed fairly happy, although I know daughter in law had/has a drink problem which may have contributed.

When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son. They separated, my son carried on seeing the other woman (they are still together and have a 1 year old daughter.)

I supported my daughter in law, she came to live with my for a while and I helped her with money towards a new property. I see my daughter in law and the children once a week for a meal.

The children share their time equally between both parents. My son and daughter in law do not get on well. I don't speak to my son often, he says he feels betrayed by me.

My daughter in law is now expecting a baby. She plans to move to live with her boyfriend down south, quite a way from here. She plans to sell her house and drastically reduce the time she spends with her children.

I think it's a bad idea but have said she can stay with me on the weekends she comes back to see her children. Is this unreasonable of me, am I aiding her departure?

Yet he is the one that is stepping up for his DC whilst their DM buggers off.

Stepping up! HA!

He is their father not a stranger he is looking after his children just like the mum had to do when he buggered off and had a kid with ow Thats not stepping up thats parenting.

You will be saying fathers babysit their kids next to allow those evil mummies to go out

You paid money to keep your GC away from your son and his partner, because you didn't want them to live with OW... and now they are going to be with her full time. I am not surprised your son and his OH aren't quick to forgive/forget. I don't condone his affair, but for someone who was staying out of it, you seem fairly heavily involved

How does the father feel taking over full responsibility for his children?

Assuming this is all true (it alll sounds pretty bizarre to me) I think you have behaved very badly towards your son OP.

Having an affair is not nice at all, and I do not condone it but telling on your own son was wrong. I think you prioritize d your relationship with grandchildren over your own son. You rolls wider family members and caused additional problems for your son. You we're unpleasant to your son's new partner because she was the other woman. No one really knows what happens in relationships except those in them. Yet you meddled in your son's relationship.

You offered to assist your dil who has/had a drink problem with legal fees to keep your grandchildren with your dil instead of your son because he had an affair?

I'm not at all surprised that your son wants little contact with you. I am a very forgiving person but to be honest I would struggle to forgive that. Yes an affair is wrong. But what you offered to do sounds malicious.

If your son now has full time care of the children it sounds like your contact with them will be limited.

Totally agree with Bluntness you backed the wrong horse. And agree with Soibriquet not your business. If the children wee safe abs well cared for who are you to dictate.

My son has always had 50/50 care of the children and has said he is more than happy to have them more. However, he is concerned about how their mother leaving will impact upon them. He said that I am assisting her departure in order to get time with my grandchildren.

Personally I think you should step away.

Nothing you have done so far seems to be for the benefit of the children, it's just so you could keep seeing them.

You've betrayed your son (who yes, behaved badly, but did you ever get his side of the story?) and now the DiL who you have supported and facilitated (she's an alcoholic but you drink a few glasses of wine together?) is ditching you and her children for a new family.

Leave your GC to settle with their dad, stepmother and step-sibling and mind your own business for a while. Before it all goes very badly wrong.

Having an affair doesn't affect your sons ability to be a good parent.

Being an alcoholic affects your dil ability to be a good parent.

The only problem I have with the children living full time with the father is whether his partner is aware of the impact it will have on her life. I don't want to stereotype but I expect it will be her picking up the majority of the parenting. I just hope the children get the love they deserve and are not seen as a burden. Hopefully they can spend long holidays with their mum etc.

"Dh' s a great father but if our marriage packs up he'll be seeing them a night in the week and row just like most dad's."

Are you going to be the judge in your own custody case? If not, how do you know how much custody/access your DH would get?

Silverdoo you sound like a good person.

This is all your sons doing though, by choosing to embark on an affair he jeopardised his family.

His wife would have found out eventually anyway and if she knew you were in the know all along you probably wouldn't have got to see the kids.

I think people are also being harsh on your ex dil, it must be hard to have ties to someone who has hurt you and is continuing on with his lovely life with a new baby as well. I don't think I could cope with that either if I'm honest so maybe running away to start a fresh leaving the kids with you and their dad, new sibling and step mum is what's best for her.

She may regret it, maybe not but who's to judge? Men do this all the time. He made his bed, he needs to step up now and be a full time father to those kids and get over his misplaced blame towards you.

His actions = his consequences

Marriages break up, people have affairs, they treat each other like shit.

But no one ever will convince me that that is anywhere near as bad, or worse , as either parent leaving their young children and moving hundreds of miles away to be with a new partner.

So man or woman, yeah there's a special place in hell for you.

And Shasta this thread is not about you or someone moving away for work. If you wish to discuss that start another thread. This thread is about a woman giving up custody and leaving her six and eight year old to live on the other side of the country to be with her new partner.

Op. your son is right to worry about the impact his ex wife's actions will have on the children, I doubt they will ever truely forgive her.

No Bluntness this thread is clearly about you and you double standards and nasty words

How's it about me? And exactly what double standards? I don't give a shit if it's the dad that moves hundreds of miles away to be with another woman or the mum that moves hundreds of miles away to be with another man. You don't abandon your kids.

I don't understand how any woman can leave her children. Especially just to live with another man. Yes do what you can to help, but for me she's a monster.

This was your first post on this thread Blunt
No mention of parents or man or woman just vittriol towards mum.
You fail to acknowledge dad did it first and had an affair so abandond his kuds you just focus on the mum

This was your first post on this thread Blunt

And quite frankly even if I did find it worse for a woman to leave, what the fuck has it got to do with you?

Why are there certain pp making a big deal about the affair Vs alcoholism and who's worse. This is surely about the fact the op has sided with the dil for access, compromised her relationship with her son and the Dil is essentially prioritising her new life and leaving the children behind.

By the sounds of it the Dad cheated, so he was a shit partner at worst. He's not the one leaving his kids behind. I can't see this arrangement suiting the Dil new partner eventually. He's hardly gonna want to have his baby away every weekend, she will most likely drop the kids. Yes this is just speculation, but likely.

Oh and i agree with Bluntness it is worse for a mother to leave. As a mother i can say that, as i would die for my kids. I don't think it's right father's act like dicks but in general it's rare for a mother to abandon her kids.

Surely this thread has to be some sort of a reverse?

Oh dear Blunt resorting to swearing now. Cant handle your double standards biting you in the ass

The OP fully explained about her sons affair and how he left the children to go iff and have another baby. It was in her first post. Yet you chose to focus just on the mums actions and condemn her as a bad mum.
Says alit about the kind of person you are. Not that my opinion matters of course.

Penfold that's exactly my thought. But the op hasn't answered.

Agree with Nanny Ogg at 15:35.

Also, if you find out something that is secret, where the regulation of the secret could cause harm you are not obliged to reveal it.it could cause good too, but you did not know, OP what would happen. That information was not yours to reveal.no crime was being committed.Telling your wider family sounds very spiteful too.

Bluntness I agree the kids may not forgive her.I do hope she realises that. I feel sorry for her and your don OP they had problems in their marriage but the current situation is worse for the kids possibly.

The son didn't go off and leave his children. They do 50/50.