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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter in law, aibu?

407 replies

SilverDoo · 18/03/2017 13:47

My son and Daughter in law were married for 5 years and have two children.

The separated 3 years ago after my son had an affair. They seemed fairly happy, although I know daughter in law had/has a drink problem which may have contributed.

When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son. They separated, my son carried on seeing the other woman (they are still together and have a 1 year old daughter.)

I supported my daughter in law, she came to live with my for a while and I helped her with money towards a new property. I see my daughter in law and the children once a week for a meal.

The children share their time equally between both parents. My son and daughter in law do not get on well. I don't speak to my son often, he says he feels betrayed by me.

My daughter in law is now expecting a baby. She plans to move to live with her boyfriend down south, quite a way from here. She plans to sell her house and drastically reduce the time she spends with her children.

I think it's a bad idea but have said she can stay with me on the weekends she comes back to see her children. Is this unreasonable of me, am I aiding her departure?

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 20/03/2017 08:38

Okay emmyrose, so a drastic drop in the standard of living is apparently something terrible for a woman to go through if she's the victim of an affair. But apparently not enough of a concern for a woman stuck in a dead marriage to feel that just leaving would not be the best thing to do for her children?

I really feel uncomfortable with the idea that women should be martyrs to alcoholic partners and take the bruises and cover things up. And often it's not as simple as just leaving.

booshbaby73 · 20/03/2017 08:46

I am massively concerned about the emotional welfare of the children, they must be feeling very lost after all the changes in their lives. Someone needs to tell the adults in their lives to start prioritizing their needs and to consider the effect their actions are having on these little people!

SookiesSocks · 20/03/2017 08:56

Sookie, no, you applied your experience to all cases by saying that because your alcoholic parent was great (in your opinion,wonder how your mother found it) the affair must be all the fault of the man.

Actually Bill thats not what I posted at all.
You accused me of knowing nothing about alcoholics. I replied stating that my own father is one. In noway was I saying alcoholic parents are great I was just pointing out that I do have some knowledge of alcoholism.

As far as you passing judgement on my mother you dont know her or how she feels so you have no right to question her position.

You think really highly of yourself dont you.....you really shouldnt.

emmyrose2000 · 20/03/2017 09:07

CMamaof4 and BillSykesDog. I never said it was okay for a woman (or a man, as I've seen them be victims too) to stay in an abusive relationship. No idea where you got that from. Of course the victim shouldn't stay. Is it worse to be beaten up than to know your parent has had an affair? Of course. But that doesn't mitigate the affect the emotional affects an affair can have.

What I have said, is that both choices - abuse/alcohol, or an affair, are vile things choices to make where children are involved (or even when they aren't involved).

OP, without going into specifics, my position involves the welfare of children.

I'm bowing out of this conversation now. I'm a bit confused by who did what now anyway. All I can say is, that I hope someone puts these innocent children first at some point.

AnyFucker · 20/03/2017 09:08

What a monumental waste of time

For those arguing amongst themselves, you've been played

I recommend closing the thread and having a nice cup of tea

Cat2014 · 20/03/2017 09:12

Emmyrose, you appear to have a very simplistic view of things. Very black and white. you have any idea what people have gone through to lead them to make certain choices? having an affair does not always mean children are not important to the parent in question! Likewise alcoholics are not always making a choice because they are a bad person, life and emotions are usually way more complex than that

scottishgirl242 · 20/03/2017 09:15

Silverdoo: I've read through the thread and no judgement - you've done what you needed to do but, what you do from here on in will shape the future for yourself and your children. I think your mum's behaviour is appalling and manipulative - I would be devastated if it was mine...

On another note; is YOUR father in your life? I've never heard you mention him and if so, what he does he make of your mum's behaviour? Good luck. x

CMamaof4 · 20/03/2017 09:20

Ok emmyrose that's just how it came across in what you wrote, Nevermind..
Whilst I hate people having affairs I can understand in this particular instance how it happened, having an abusive, alcoholic husband and an unsupportive family I can see why she looked for support elsewhere but obviously her only mistake was not ending the miserable marriage first..
That seems to have been a while ago now as op has another child now with her new partner so the focus really needs to be on the children and not blame.

Anyfucker yes definately time for a cup if tea!

user1471517900 · 20/03/2017 09:38

Typical AF there. Always finds a way to undermine coffee drinkers wherever she can.

AnyFucker · 20/03/2017 09:47

Have a bit of Cake too...no offence to Biscuit lovers

CoolCarrie · 20/03/2017 10:02

This is the same situation as Diana, princess of Wales. Her mother had an affair, and her grandmother took Spencer's side, despite him being an bully and wife beater, probably because he had a title and money, he got custody of the 3 children Funny how his son turned out the same, on wife 3 now I think.
Good luck with your family OP. Your mother sounds a right piece of work.

user1471517900 · 20/03/2017 10:38

All about bashing the diabetics now isn't it AF Grin

kierenthecommunity · 20/03/2017 10:44

The only trouble with this reverse is in the OP the marriage was happy enough and DIL had a bit of a drink problem. Whereas SIL is alcoholic and abusive.

Isn't a reserve supposed to be near enough identical?

diddl · 20/03/2017 10:52

So what's the AIBU?

Should your mum put up your ex when he visits-I guess that's up to her.

Should you keep contact with your mum?-again, that's up to you, but I don't think that I could.

FedUPFTMum · 20/03/2017 11:33

I can't believe half of these posts! Some of you are absolutely indescribable. The children are young and used to the environment and school, the ex husband and mistress AND THEIR CHILD turned partner are a permanent fixture in the children's lives. She wants to move away to start the same type of life her ex did only difference is SHE ISNT MARRIED. She is a special type of woman, if she takes the kids some of you big heads will say she's punishing her MIL and ex. Did it occur to you guys that she feels the kids are better off where they are? Ps OP you shouldn't feel bad about your son, you obviously raised him better than that. He is in the wrong for not facing his problems head on and expecting you to keep such a terrible secret. I hope your DIL has overcome her illness and that she goes away and becomes a better person and mother. All thanks to an upstanding woman and mother like you!!

BillSykesDog · 20/03/2017 11:36

The DIL was an alcoholic. The OP did specifically say an alcoholic receiving medical treatment.

MadMags · 20/03/2017 11:37

Um...you might want to RTFT before you go off on one. Otherwise, you could end up embarrassed...

user1471517900 · 20/03/2017 11:45

It is always good to see someone managing to twist an argument round just so they can bash the males and defend the females though!

diddl · 20/03/2017 12:38

I don't see wht you can possibly gain by seeing her tbh.

When the kids are older they'll have to decide themselves what to do.

For the moment, she'll just have to see them through your ex (as she always has done since the split?) when he visits.

Willow2017 · 20/03/2017 12:50

Jesus wept rtft.

So in original scenario dm refused to talk to her own son about the marriage problems spreads gossip about him and supports alcoholic dil to get kids, abused sons new partner in the street yet she is a wonderful woman. In what universe?

Now we know she actually supported the abusive sil against her daughter the man who also abused his kids she is an even biģger selfish manipulative cow. She just wants control over her gc nothing more. Wouldn't let kids within a mile of her ever again.

llangennith · 20/03/2017 12:57

My first thought was "OP says she's not interfering but she bloody well is" and now I've RTFT I think you should stop worrying about your DC's contact with your ex or your mother and enjoy your family. By family I mean your partner and all your DC.
Have a family Sunday lunch at home, do fun things as a family. Keep contact with your DM to a bare minimum. There will always be people judging you based on the tales your manipulative DM has spread but they'll move on with their lives and soon lose interest in her lies.
Good luck in the future OPFlowers

Deidre21 · 20/03/2017 14:57

You're not unreasonable. You're also a considerate and caring person and while it's not for you to feel bad/guilty on your daughter-in-law's part, for reducing the time she spends with her children - your grandchildren, it's only normal for you to feel that way. On the other hand you are kind enough to still want to see her and the children by offering a place where you can all be together when she visits. Not many people have good in-laws and it's lovely to know there are people out there who can continue a relationship when a marriage has broken down and be strong and fair enough to see the errors of your son's ways over your daughter in law irrespective of whether her bad drinking habit was part of the reason for his affair.

MadMags · 20/03/2017 15:13

Fucking hell.

Read the thread!!!!!!

Willow2017 · 20/03/2017 16:15

Deirdre21

Seriously? Ditch your own child and buy off the ex? Encourage an alcoholic abuser to drink with you so you can keep seeing the grandkids?
Abuse someone in public?
Yep what a grand example of A MOTHER she is 🤔

Rtft

CMamaof4 · 20/03/2017 16:22

Hahaha madmags you crack me up

Totally agree with you willow