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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter in law, aibu?

407 replies

SilverDoo · 18/03/2017 13:47

My son and Daughter in law were married for 5 years and have two children.

The separated 3 years ago after my son had an affair. They seemed fairly happy, although I know daughter in law had/has a drink problem which may have contributed.

When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son. They separated, my son carried on seeing the other woman (they are still together and have a 1 year old daughter.)

I supported my daughter in law, she came to live with my for a while and I helped her with money towards a new property. I see my daughter in law and the children once a week for a meal.

The children share their time equally between both parents. My son and daughter in law do not get on well. I don't speak to my son often, he says he feels betrayed by me.

My daughter in law is now expecting a baby. She plans to move to live with her boyfriend down south, quite a way from here. She plans to sell her house and drastically reduce the time she spends with her children.

I think it's a bad idea but have said she can stay with me on the weekends she comes back to see her children. Is this unreasonable of me, am I aiding her departure?

OP posts:
Sillysausage123 · 18/03/2017 16:06

People say having an affair doesn't mean they aren't a good dad/mum but I disagree, not only is it breaking the family up in conflict rather than just separating amicably, it's disrespecting the other parent and whilst a new romance is on the cards quite often the responsibilities i.e. The kids are thought of second whilst the person having an affair puts them self first

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2017 16:08

Nothing is biting me on the ass other than you.

I'm not going to keep arguing that I don't think an affair is worse than abandoning your young children, I'm not going to keep arguing about if it's worse for a man or a woman to leave their kids. It's not a competition or a case of who started it, the husband or the wife.

I will say it once more, no parent should voluntarily abandon their young kids for a new partner. My view. It won't ever change.

Annesmyth123 · 18/03/2017 16:08

What about alcoholics silly Sausage? Their primary relationship is with the alcohol. They aren't putting their family first when they are drinking.

SookiesSocks · 18/03/2017 16:10

Whos arguing Blunt?
It was you who resorted to swearing and carrying like who knows what.

Sillysausage123 · 18/03/2017 16:11

Of course that is the same for alcoholics, I'm just addressing how people said you can still be a good parent whilst having an affair

Apachepony · 18/03/2017 16:13

This has to be a reverse.
Anyways, I would judge any man or woman much more harshly for moving away from their kids than I would for an affair. Adult relationships are complicated- abandoning your children is simply wrong.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/03/2017 16:14

He is their father not a stranger he is looking after his children just like the mum had to do when he buggered off and had a kid with ow

He has had them 50% now 100%. It is the DM that is buggering off to play happy families elsewhere. She will have them a heck of a lot less than he ever has.

SookiesSocks · 18/03/2017 16:16

So. Whats your point pig?

Many many many dads have eow those mums are not praised for stepping up Hmm Its expected of them because they are the mums. As i said double standards all over this thread.

Headofthehive55 · 18/03/2017 16:18

There is no reason why you should not tell your wider family. Your son cannot control you. You have a right to dislike his actions. He can also have conversations with wider family.

We have an agreement that if one of us leaves, they take all four children. Full time. Thus ensuring that we stay as neither of us could cope!

CMamaof4 · 18/03/2017 16:19

I cant believe the way you have treated your son 😱 It was nothing to do with you and you certainly havent helped the situation with your actions.

Poor bloke, An affair doesnt define you as to what sort of a parent you can be, He has obviously shown that being a great father to his kids and also now having them full time whilst your ex dil swans off to start her new life. Its appalling.
I can see why he is annoyed at you he has every reason to be..
You should be making a mends with him and his new partner and your other grandchild. It seems very much like you favour your ex dils children over your new grandchild being that u have only seen her a few times when he has brought her to you, You should be making and effort with her.
Cant stand grand parents that favour certain grandchildren over others, Disgusting.

MissingPanda · 18/03/2017 16:22

If 50/50 residency could DIL take the DC across country without permission from the father?

Oh and i agree with Bluntness it is worse for a mother to leave. As a mother i can say that,

As a mother I can say that's bollocks. Your being a mother doesn't make your opinion any more valid than any other on here.

laureywilliams · 18/03/2017 16:22

My guess... the op's 'son' is a 'daughter'.

MissingPanda · 18/03/2017 16:24

Oops meant to say I'm a child whose 'father' deserted her. That doesn't mean my opinion is any more valid either

LauderSyme · 18/03/2017 16:24

I find your position here incredible Silver

As your story unfolded I found myself thinking bloody hell! in shock at your calm reporting of your domineering, judgemental, manipulative, self-righteous behaviour. I cannot begin to fathom your motives in treating your son like you do. How can he not feel betrayed by you?

I'm not saying you shouldn't do everything you can to support your gc, I'm glad you have and hope you will continue to for their sakes, but why does it all have to be so confrontational and toxic?

SookiesSocks · 18/03/2017 16:24

My guess... the op's 'son' is a 'daughter'.

If that was the case the back peddling on this thread by some would be laughable.Grin

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/03/2017 16:27

I agree with the poster that said the OP backed the wrong horse.

I also don't see the OP as a particularly nice person, Aithough I don't have any issues with her telling her "DiL", telling the family, fronting up to the OW and other actions have come back to bit her on the arse.

I am not surprised that her DS doesn't want much to do with her.

Funnyonion17 · 18/03/2017 16:34

As a mother I can say that's bollocks. Your being a mother doesn't make your opinion any more valid than any other on here.

I'm sorry, didn't realise your opinion was actually a fact, therefore mines 'bollocks'. It's my opinion as it's my stance, so it reflects how i feel as a mother on the matter and tbh look at statistics. Jeez you really can't have a discussion and disagree on opinions can you Panda!

This post isn't the place to vent your anger regarding men being able to do as they like and women having to step up. It is what is is! But as a whole women rarely leave their children in comparison to men.

NapQueen · 18/03/2017 16:40

Im all for telling a wife she is being cheated on by her husband, but who the fuck goes round and starts sharing business like that with the extended family?!

diddl · 18/03/2017 16:52

"I agree with the poster that said the OP backed the wrong horse."

That's the way I see it also.

Op may have been kind & helpful to her DIL & that may have been out of the goodness of her heart, or to keep the kids around.

There was always a chnace of the DIL moving on & not having so much contact with Op & threefore Op seeing the kids through their father.

Much as I abhor adultery, I can't imagine throwing over my own child for their spouse.

Italiangreyhound · 18/03/2017 16:55

Apachepony I agree with you. Abandoned your kids is totally wrong.

Mum or dad. Abandoning kids is despicable and will have far reaching effects.

Of course having an affair I'd wring too, but it is something that happens and some marriages do survive it.

If the dil has problems with alcohol how can you possibly be having a few drinks with her OP!! I really agree this may well be a reverse.ist people wish tonsils themselves in a good light. Drinking with a former alcoholic doesn't do this!

Sookies you may think you see double standards but do you really think posters here would be praising the parent who I'd about to bugger off down south without their kids? Because I would certainly not be praising that parent!

And I won't be doing any back peddling if it turnd put a man is actually a man is a woman or versa!

Headofthehive55 of course anyone can tell wider family anything but the OP has done this and should not be surprised her actions have turned her son against her.

Italiangreyhound · 18/03/2017 16:56

To paint not tonsils!

Italiangreyhound · 18/03/2017 16:58

Sorry that is my sausage fingers! That should say..
And I won't be doing any back peddling if it turns out a man is actually a woman or vice versa.

ollieplimsoles · 18/03/2017 16:59

What a mess..

Op sorry but I don't believe for one minute that you didn't get involved when your dil 'treated your son very badly' and apparently had a drinking problem- but you jumped right in and took her side when your sin had the affair. I think you rather wanted to distance yourself from your son's behaviour, in case it reflected badly on you. You strike me as the interfering type.

The dil is making a big mistake leaving her kids, she should pack them both up and get as far away from the both of us as she can.

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2017 17:01

Much as I abhor adultery, I can't imagine throwing over my own child for their spouse.

HeeHighls · 18/03/2017 17:05

Yes Silver, you definitely backed the wrong side and I fear I can see exactly where it's heading, that's to the estranged thread on Gransnet.

You have done as so many grans do and that's bypass your own children in favour of grandchildren. You chose your DiL over your son because with some monetary bribing from you she would keep bringing the GC to you.
I don't understand why GC are favoured above adult children. Maybe to give them what you were unable to give your own children?

Oh what a twist of fate. The wicked OW is now going to co- raise their children, whilst the ex wife swans in to the sunset to have a baby on the money you gave her.

The DiL will keep up the visits for a while. Then less because of the new baby. Then never because, "it unsettles the children."
Son and his partner then form a tight unit of five and cut you out completely.

I haven't seen anywhere that the son asked his mother to lie. His gripe is that she blabbed his business, not only to his wife but to the extended family.
DiL had a drink problem. Obviously not an alcoholic as she drinks sensibly now. Anyone who's lived with a cheating spouse can empathise surely? Knocking back the red when you know he's with the OW is understandable.

If I were you Silver, I'd be getting a memory box for your GC, as I don't think your son and his partner will want to share their children with you.

My thoughts are with your son and his partner who will have the two children. You shunned them in favour of grandchildren. Why?