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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming at DD's unexpected visitor

230 replies

bloodyfuming9 · 15/03/2017 14:46

This is more of a wtf post than AIBU. Have name changed too.

This morning at about 7.20 I get out of bed and approach her bedroom door with no clothes on to ask 17 year old dd ( who is dressed) to answer the front door bell. As she comes out of her room, I glimpse a lad standing there! He also sees me in all my naked glory!

I'm so shocked, I say 'is there someone in your room?' to which she says 'No' although there is no doubt there is a person, so this is lie number 1. I retreat, still being naked, and tell her to get him out of the house immediately, which she does. It turns out that it's a lad she met last summer, that she had a flirtation with, and that she still talks to on Instagram etc. I'll call him Barney. He lives about 15 miles way, but is at college in our town. She tells me that he called by this morning having spent the night at a friends house nearby. I wasn't sure whether I believed this, but she assures me she was telling the truth. I don't really believe her. I have a shout at her for not telling me that there's someone in the house as it's not unusual for me to walk around with no clothes etc, although usually I get up after she's left the house to go to college.

Anyway, I now think he arrived at our house last night, as she closed the curtains at the back just before she went to bed at about 11pm, which she has never done. We live in a ground floor flat and there's a door from her bedroom into the garden which can be accessed from the side of the house. She never uses this door and tends to clutter up the entrance to it, but having just been into her room now, the access is clear, there's a few leaves inside, and the door is unlocked! What's more, the key isn't in the lock where it always is kept, as it's a fire exit, if ever needed. I'm now wondering if this is a regular occurrence and how long it's been going on, and whether he has the door key! We were away for a long weekend, and I'm even wondering if he was here while we were away!

I'm so upset that dd has been so devious and also lied to me. She's been a pretty trouble free teenager up to now, but this feels so disrespectful to me, and has also compromised the security of our home, by leaving the door unlocked today.

Any thoughts please on how best to handle this with her?

OP posts:
BillyButtfuck · 16/03/2017 21:55

OP is this your family? Obviously DD and Barney have their clothes on.

Fuming at DD's unexpected visitor
PacificDogwod · 16/03/2017 22:10

You could stop the whole problem stone dead by making it a rule to always be naked in your own home.

You are welcome.

Gin
MammaTJ · 16/03/2017 22:27

I run around naked in my own home. I have an 11 year old DD and a 10 year old DS here, and I think it may become a problem with DS, soon, but is may not. I just don't really think about it when I am making a 2am dash to the bathroom, in preference to wetting the bed!

DP wakes the DC, then wakes me, I then go to the bathroom to wash and back to my bedroom to dress while they are in their rooms/farting about on the landing. None of us think anything of it.

Even at their ages though, if they had a guest over, I would make sure I was covered before entering areas everyone had access too.

You should have been asked if it was ok for him to come over, although this really smacks of 'booty call' and would signal a chat about self respect.

jasmine2000 · 16/03/2017 22:28

What @shovetheholly said!

simiisme · 16/03/2017 23:03

The bit that worries me the most is that you saw the young man with your own eyes and she lied to you. She is untrustworthy.
The key being missing and the door being unlocked all day is a big worry, too.
You being naked? Why the hell shouldn't you in your own house.
Time for serious talks with the little madam, though...

Original poster
bloodyfuming9 · 16/03/2017 23:28

BillyButt and Pacific
Lol!

OP posts:
Meeep · 16/03/2017 23:48

Are people v scared of their own bodies or something?

Teenagers don't burst into flames if they see a naked parent!

OP - if your DD is having a random hook-up, she might be safer at home than going to their place.
It is disrespectful to sneak and lie though.

Hmm, but naturally she wouldn't want to discuss planned casual FWB meetups with her mum. Difficult.

miserableandinpain · 17/03/2017 01:11

Be happy she is doing at your house and not just any where... but she still could have asked

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 17/03/2017 01:21

I grew up in a very nude family (to the point where we just shrugged and joined in when my parents accidentally booked us into a nudist colony for a week in the south of France) and have no issue with nudity in the home. Nudity =/= sex, as hard as that is for some Brits and Americans to understand.

I am trying to rank the things that bother me about this situation and I think they are in this order:

  1. DD having a ONS or sex outside of a committed relationship, and not fully understanding the possible repercussions (emotional or otherwise)
  2. The security aspect of having an unknown male in my home overnight without my knowledge
  3. The lying and deceit
  4. The security aspect of the unsecured back door
1001. Being seen in the nude

OP I'm sorry YOU are missing a nice time out with friends on Friday night too because of DD's actions. The stuff we sacrifice as parents!

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 17/03/2017 01:34

A VERY nude family? How nude can you get?!

LorLorr2 · 17/03/2017 01:36

Why on earth are the first answers to this post "she's 17!!" She has toes too, what does that have to do with anything? Yes it's typical for a 17 yr old girl to be interested in boys but that doesn't mean you shrug and let her do whatever she wants as a result. OP, it's your house, I would be surprised if a stranger was in mine without me knowing too. Your daughter was just trying to avoid confrontation with you though, I'm sure she wasn't deliberately set out to make you feel disrespected. Perhaps you can explain to her your honest concerns and come to an agreement where you allow her privacy in return for her honesty about where she is and whether someone is in your home or not so she gains trust for more freedom and you can both get along.

NotaSnowflake · 17/03/2017 01:37

Hannah Grow up! What a childish comment! Hope you don't have kids.... Lapse, free range parent that allows her kids to run riot and compromise safety of everyone in the home. Great parenting

Natsku · 17/03/2017 07:16

Ds1 and ds2 are 21 and 19. They don't have girls staying over. I would be happy for ds1's girlfriend to stay as they have been together for over two years however her parents would not allow It. When Ds goes to her house they are not allowed in her bedroom and so sit in the lounge

Is your ds1's girlfriend around the same age as him? If so her parents are bordering on ridiculous - fair enough to not let him stay over in their home but to stop her staying over in his home when she's an adult?!

Natsku · 17/03/2017 07:17

Also, I last saw my mum naked a year and a half ago, I didn't die of shock or anything Grin me and DD were naked too - in the sauna Grin

GladAllOver · 17/03/2017 09:24

Until reading this thread I never realised just how many people had hangups about their bodies.
As pp has said, being in the natural state we were born in has nothing to do with sex. In fact the exact opposite opposite is true. The more you are used to being around naked bodies, the less stimulating they are.
Hiding the body away just makes it more exciting to uncover.
I feel genuinely sorry for people who have been brought up to have such an unhealthy attitude to their bodies.

Overshoulderbolderholder · 17/03/2017 09:44

My DM quite often wandered from bedroom to bathroom in the nude when we were teenagers. No big deal.. Except, I didn't much like seeing her body, at that age I thought her huge boobs were saggy and not nice to see.. But I never would have said... Not proud of that but can't help the way my teenage self felt.Blush
If you have come thus far without any previous big difficulties with your daughter then I presume you have a good relationship with her and she's usually quite honest and responsible. On that basis I'm sure you'll both be able to work this out YANBU to expect your DD to treat you and your home with respect. Good luck Flowers

scattysally · 17/03/2017 10:53

dd's boyfriend has seen me naked too. I had a conversation with her afterwards and we agreed that she would check with me in advance before inviting guests in future. I also agreed that in exceptional circumstances, it would be ok if at the very least she text me if I was out or gone to bed before her plans changed. I told her its not just to avoid embarrassment but in an emergency I'd like to be able to tell the firemen exactly how many people need rescuing.

ThePiglet59 · 17/03/2017 13:26

Well at least you'll go down in legend now among the local kids.

"Yeah, and then her mother came in completely bollock naked! I could tell she was gagging for it!"

feelinglikeablueturtle · 17/03/2017 19:09

I've not read this all but the big thing that worries me is the missing key. You need to find it asap or get the locked changed. If your insurance company finds out after a break in it will be invalid and you won't get a penny.

On the sneaking in part. At 18 I did sneak a drunk boy into my folks home. Mom fought me and went mad as I had only known him a few weeks. I did explain I wasn't going to let him drive home and didn't know where he lives. I remember then talk about the dangers of sleeping with strangers. The line "you don't know what he might have it could be anything like herpes or bed bugs." He's now my husband lol.

callmeadoctor · 18/03/2017 11:41

Ha Ha, is it me? I would rather daughter have sex anywhere BUT my home. (But in reality I would rather that she didn't have sex till she fell in love with somebody, I am obviously a dinosaur :-) Grin

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 23/03/2017 08:03

Sorry, but the thing that stands out more is why are you walking around naked, haven't you heard of dressing gowns and pyjamas. How would you feel if your daughter walked round naked. That would seriously annoy me if my parents had done that. Ugh. About the boy, you just need to have a chat.

Buck3t · 23/03/2017 08:46

Mums that's your hang up not the OP.

To my mind your priorities seem a little skewed. Security over nakedness surely.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/03/2017 09:11

Mums that's been hashed out to death on this thread if you want to go back and read it!
And as you clearly haven't, OP is perfectly happy in her own skin.
Her dressing gown was in the wash.
She and her DD don't mind seeing each other naked.
Same as me and my 19 YO DD.
Same as many other people.

So stop clutching those pearls.
Put them down and step away from them!

GladAllOver · 23/03/2017 09:14

Sorry, but the thing that stands out more is why are you walking around naked, haven't you heard of dressing gowns and pyjamas.
I'm really sorry for you that you have such an unhealthy relationship with your body. But please don't tell others to be the same way.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 24/03/2017 10:10

Not at all. Teenagers are known for being self conscious about their bodies, going round the house with it all hanging out would have pissed me off no end as I would have found it gross at that age. Fair enough a couple living on their own doing it, or even with younger children. My kids see me naked when we are getting ready, having showers. I am not a bit prudish that wasn't the point.