Fuming at DD's unexpected visitor

[bloodyfuming9]

This is more of a wtf post than AIBU. Have name changed too.

This morning at about 7.20 I get out of bed and approach her bedroom door with no clothes on to ask 17 year old dd ( who is dressed) to answer the front door bell. As she comes out of her room, I glimpse a lad standing there! He also sees me in all my naked glory!

I'm so shocked, I say 'is there someone in your room?' to which she says 'No' although there is no doubt there is a person, so this is lie number 1. I retreat, still being naked, and tell her to get him out of the house immediately, which she does. It turns out that it's a lad she met last summer, that she had a flirtation with, and that she still talks to on Instagram etc. I'll call him Barney. He lives about 15 miles way, but is at college in our town. She tells me that he called by this morning having spent the night at a friends house nearby. I wasn't sure whether I believed this, but she assures me she was telling the truth. I don't really believe her. I have a shout at her for not telling me that there's someone in the house as it's not unusual for me to walk around with no clothes etc, although usually I get up after she's left the house to go to college.

Anyway, I now think he arrived at our house last night, as she closed the curtains at the back just before she went to bed at about 11pm, which she has never done. We live in a ground floor flat and there's a door from her bedroom into the garden which can be accessed from the side of the house. She never uses this door and tends to clutter up the entrance to it, but having just been into her room now, the access is clear, there's a few leaves inside, and the door is unlocked! What's more, the key isn't in the lock where it always is kept, as it's a fire exit, if ever needed. I'm now wondering if this is a regular occurrence and how long it's been going on, and whether he has the door key! We were away for a long weekend, and I'm even wondering if he was here while we were away!

I'm so upset that dd has been so devious and also lied to me. She's been a pretty trouble free teenager up to now, but this feels so disrespectful to me, and has also compromised the security of our home, by leaving the door unlocked today.

Any thoughts please on how best to handle this with her?

GlomofNit
Wow. Is it utterly unremarkable that 17 girls are having sex?

You're rather missing the point.

It's not her having se per se, as I'm fully ok with this with her previous boyfriends, and we've always talked about contraception, respect, and relationships etc and I thought I'd covered all the angles, and the house 'rules' too about people staying over etc in a fairly laid back way.

It's the sneaking someone in who she barely knows and me being unaware of who is in our home, the lying and dishonesty when caught, and the home security issues.

Not to mention our personal safety and hers in particular.

The PP might have a point OP - swap rooms with DD so she doesn't have that direct access any more! wonders what to do about DD having a ladder going up to her bedroom window

'Wow. Is it utterly unremarkable that 17 girls are having sex? That it's assumed they are, rather than not? TBH that's what hit me between the eyes - all the comments that go along the lines of 'what do you expect, DD is 17'.

Clearly I live in the Victorian Era. Gosh.'

And not all of them are interested in being in a loved-up wee couple, either. Some like to keep it casual and have lots of sex with different people! Imagine! I did'. I was 16 when I lost it, it was a case of I tried it once and loved it.

let it all hang out

Not knowing who is in my house would piss me off, too. As would the unlocked door, a door you assumed to be secured that can be accessed. Cluttering up the entrance to a fire escape is not ideal, might as well address this whilst you are at it.

I'd be pissed off at her, but as soon as the worst has blown over I'd accept Barney in the house if he visits using the front door and I've been informed.

17 year olds aren't all having sex. I spent many a night bed sharing with boys in my teens but not having sex (after parties, weekends away etc)You cant always assume. That was the 90s.
I find the idea of teenagers asking their parents for a boy/girlfriend sleepover weird and a bit cringy, although I know its common. Even when I was sexually active I would have DIED rather than ask my parents if I could bunk up with my boyfriend! (hence I left home!)
Maybe this is why kids aren't leaving home until they are 28 now-they are allowed to have sex in their parents house!
OP, YANBU at ALL, but on the other hand, teenagers do daft stuff, and DD is probably MORTIFIED already.
You are also NBU about walking around in your own house in your birthday suit. I try to be less naked than I used to be for the sake of decorum, but still do the odd bathroom flit.
Anyone remember the episode of Malcolm in the middle when Lois answers the door to the teacher topless and is totally unfazed?

This not about sex or boyfriends or even about boyfriends staying over night or about you being naked IMO.

This is about knowing who is in your house over night (or at any other time I would argue).

I would not pick a fight with your DD but state for the record and only once that this will never happen again, otherwise you will call the police as a stranger has invaded your home and hope the threat of such action will prevent her from trying it again. Or suggest she moves out, finds and funds her own place and has whatever rules she likes there.

I have all of this to look forward to . DS1 is 14....

I'm wibbling too pacific..
Hopefully, the regular sight of my naked body over the years will have traumatised DS sufficiently that he will be celibate.

Let me tell you about what my Dad did when he found me with a boy in my bed one morning.....

First off he apologised then he went downstairs, made a tray of breakfast and brought it up. Now you might be thinking he backed out but no, he sat down and helped himself to breakfast and had a jolly good chat. Embarrassed doesn't even begin to cover it especially as he had put on his clerical robes (he was a vicar).

That is my approach too, IfNot - fingers crossed it works.

Your father is a genius!!

Wow ! Get that key off her and make sure she hasn't got a spare. Totally unacceptable, for security reasons. You need to know who is in your house

I can't believe them number of people who think this is in any way acceptable. No issues with family members seeing each other naked but when living under our roof, I'd expect a modicum of respect for our rules. I would expect to meet any partners before our children asked whether they might stop over. I think we'd stick with only acceptable in long term relationships for over 18s.

*PAcificDogwod- exactly!

Relations are rather cool and frosty between us this evening. It's a shame as we've both been so happy and excited recently as she's been offered a Uni place for September at a Dance Conservatoire.

She's a great girl really and has given me very little to worry about as a teenager. I guess I'm just disappointed about this behaviour and her lack of insight about why I may be upset, shocked and angry about it.

I do wonder how old the kids are of those that are saying she is 17 and it's fine. I suspect they are very young and the posters themselves tried this on not so many years ago.

As a parent of two young adults who is VERY open minded this would not be ok in my house either. My DC have had partners to stay over, they have been in longer term relationships. Neither would ever attempt to bring home a one night stand even in their early twenties. I would go nuts and not just because they may catch sight of my lardy white legs and big knickers in the morning. I don't do naked, but don't have a problem with those that do, I do however do underwear around the house and it ain't VS stuff.

ginswinger
Wish I'd thought of that! But no vicar's robes, just naked!

I'm amazed by how many people on this thread think that a teenage girl is free to have whoever she wants to stay at any random point without ever mentioning it.
Isn't it manners and basic social skills to discuss the desire to have people over to stay with the people you live with? Isn't it a sign of maturity, really needs to be a pre-requisite for having sex?

Being 17 might make it legal to have sex but it doesn't entitle you to invite people to stay in your parents home without asking or saying.

Ginswinger’s Dad wins the Internet!!! I’m sat here wibbling with laughter. Naked.

Not really, but just thought I would put that out there as some on this thread seem terribly delicate on the matter. It honestly wouldn't work. My laptop has a tendency to overheat...

Well, FWIW I just asked DS1(14) and DS2(13) - neither have a girlfriend. Or boyfriend for that matter - whether it was reasonable to expect to know who shares a roof with me over night, and they felt it was.
So, there.
YANBU. HTH.

I should get them to give me that statement in writing, right now, shouldn't I?

I agree 're age of posters. I own two teens and I'd have killed them but I'm Pmsl at ginswinger :o

I'd truly rather someone stabbed me in the hand with a fork than see my mother naked.

That's just weird.

Not fussed on the rest of this. Your daughter is 17, not 12.

I wonder if he has recently become homeless and your DD gave him some temporary shelter, just a thought. Doesn't make it right, she should have cleared it with you.

I wander around half naked a lot too, as does my DD (21), She still perches on the loo and chats to me when I take a bath, think its normal for some.

Oh give over itsnot the girl had him to stay in her room all night, proved by the open back door, op was up at 7 and he was there already... if it looks like a dog and barks like a dog it's a dog!!! Homeless indeed. What a naive notion.

What I find is that people who don't like to be seen in the nude by their own family should be telling others to cover themselves up.

You can live your prudish way if you like. But keep it to yourself please.

While I do appreciate your shock OP, I do think this thread is a bit hysterical.

I mean a 17 year old had un pre arranged sex, it was a bit naughty but the heavens aren't going to fall in.

As for 'a total stranger' it sounds like the daughter knew him and the OP knew of him, so can we all calm down?

Just to give you all a bit of perspective, I was a well-behaved 17 year-old who was quite nervous of my parents' rules, but one night got a bit carried away with a 'brief flirtation' and brought him home and snuck him out the next morning.

My Dad 'caught' him. Said a brief hello and never SPOKE OF IT EVER AGAIN.

I realised for myself after the event that it was a bit of a sillly, selfish thing to do, but tbh I wasn't silly and selfish very often and I was 17 and deserved a bit of leeway.

OP, you need to let her know you aren't happy, but don't make a massive fuss and embarrass her. I wonder how many people on here actually have teenagers due to the lack of understanding that friendship groups are pretty fluid at that age

Come down on her like a tonne of bricks about not locking up properly though!