Fuming at DD's unexpected visitor

[bloodyfuming9]

This is more of a wtf post than AIBU. Have name changed too.

This morning at about 7.20 I get out of bed and approach her bedroom door with no clothes on to ask 17 year old dd ( who is dressed) to answer the front door bell. As she comes out of her room, I glimpse a lad standing there! He also sees me in all my naked glory!

I'm so shocked, I say 'is there someone in your room?' to which she says 'No' although there is no doubt there is a person, so this is lie number 1. I retreat, still being naked, and tell her to get him out of the house immediately, which she does. It turns out that it's a lad she met last summer, that she had a flirtation with, and that she still talks to on Instagram etc. I'll call him Barney. He lives about 15 miles way, but is at college in our town. She tells me that he called by this morning having spent the night at a friends house nearby. I wasn't sure whether I believed this, but she assures me she was telling the truth. I don't really believe her. I have a shout at her for not telling me that there's someone in the house as it's not unusual for me to walk around with no clothes etc, although usually I get up after she's left the house to go to college.

Anyway, I now think he arrived at our house last night, as she closed the curtains at the back just before she went to bed at about 11pm, which she has never done. We live in a ground floor flat and there's a door from her bedroom into the garden which can be accessed from the side of the house. She never uses this door and tends to clutter up the entrance to it, but having just been into her room now, the access is clear, there's a few leaves inside, and the door is unlocked! What's more, the key isn't in the lock where it always is kept, as it's a fire exit, if ever needed. I'm now wondering if this is a regular occurrence and how long it's been going on, and whether he has the door key! We were away for a long weekend, and I'm even wondering if he was here while we were away!

I'm so upset that dd has been so devious and also lied to me. She's been a pretty trouble free teenager up to now, but this feels so disrespectful to me, and has also compromised the security of our home, by leaving the door unlocked today.

Any thoughts please on how best to handle this with her?

I think now is the time to invest in a dressing gown

It's Mothering Sunday next week.

She can buy you a onesie to say sorry.

She has a private entrance to the house via her room. I've seen enough Dawson's Creek to know you make good use of that bad boy.

diddl what on earth makes you think the bloke was naked?

Why the hell should the OP cover up because some of you dont like it?!

Many families are not uptight about nakedness, its hardly like she was mooching around in nipple clamps and a butt plug ffs.

And if she is old enough at 17 to be having overnight guests then she is presumably also able to tell her mother if the nakedness is a problem.

OP I dont think that YABU at all to expect to know who is in your home, whether someone else has access to it and to insist on basic home security. If you were burgled through that door then insurance would not pay out as the door had been left unlocked. It shows a monumental lack of respect for you and your home that she is doing this.

Tinkly-We normally have pretty open communication and past boyfriends have stayed over at weekends/ in holiday times, with advance warning, so no particular issues.
As far as I'm aware, this isn't a boyfriend. There's no reason for her to withhold this info, if he were.They got flirty last summer, but she hasn't even seen him since then, though they have been chatting on instagram. I've never met him. And yes, I would want to meet a boyfriend and for her to have known him a little while, before agreeing for him to stay over.
She hadn't been out with this boy for the evening yesterday, as I collected her from an activity at about 9.30pm

Hannah - do you think it's ok to sneak any near stranger (complete stranger to me) overnight just because she doesn't want to talk to me about it? Whatever age she is? Does her not wanting to talk about it, trump our security and possibly safety too? You're right, I would have said 'no' last night.

There's also the general security element- the door was left unlocked after she went to college this morning, and any opportunistic burglar would have had a field day clearing out our house. I wouldn't have normally checked this, as it's always locked anyway (or so I thought!)
The key seems to be missing now too- i don't know whether he has it!

We don't make a particular point about walking around naked, but sometimes either of us will and it's no big deal! There's just the two of us, both female, so no biggy really. It was expedient this morning as the doorbell rang, I wasn't dressed (and my dressing gown was in the wash) and dd was, which is why I asked her to answer the door!

And get CCTV installed on both doors asap.
I think it's the lying and deceit more than anything.
If my DD wants someone to stay - anyone, girlfriends, boyfriend she will ask me.
I will meet them etc.... before they stay.
But we have stairs that creek and no direct access into her bedroom and I am a very light sleeper, so she wouldn't dare.

If she's been a trouble free teen up to now, I'd just tell her I'd like to be informed if she wants visitors staying over in future.

I think you being naked in front of her is highly inappropriate. You really need to put clothes on around your daughter; that's really not on. No late teen/adult should be subjected to see their parents naked.

Having thought about this, could she have received a text or something on her mobile and she let him in through the door in her room that morning and didn't want to disturb you? I'm not making excuses but it might be possible she isn't lying to you.
I would have a chat about the safety aspect & her leaving the door unlocked and that has to stop.

My DDs are in their 20s. Any of their friends male or female are welcome to stay over anytime but I would always want to know who is in the house. If we are up/awake when they come home I expect them to say hello and be introduced. If we are away or asleep I would expect a text saying 'X, Y or Z are staying over tonight, is that OK?' It is just a courtesy as they know the answer will always be yes but it is not unreasonable to want to know who is in your home.

I would be furious about the sneaking around and lying.

No late teen/adult should be subjected to see their parents naked.

Its her mother not the fucking elephant man!

"Subjected to"?! Unclench dear, as the OP has said it is not an issue for her or the DD so why do you care?

YANBU about having a total stranger staying overnight. I'd give her the mother of all bollockings for that, but man, get a wrap or a dressing gown rather than running round starkers.

My parents allowed my boyfriend to stay over when I was seventeen. It only happened once, though, as my dad insisted on sitting us both down and giving us a safe sex chat, while my mum cooked us liver and onions for dinner. Looking back, it was a pretty cunning plan - we never asked again (he did have a car, though, so all was not lost! Actually, I did lose SOMETHING I can never get back.....)

I think you being naked in front of her is highly inappropriate. You really need to put clothes on around your daughter; that's really not on. No late teen/adult should be subjected to see their parents naked.

It might be 'inappropriate' to you but some families are quite comfortable with their bodies. Please don't project your own hangups onto others.

I'd be as mad as hell. I have to say.

I think the idea that a 17 year old who is still a child and living under your roof should just be allowed an overnight guest and you should be okay with it is crazy, especially as a woman presumably in her late 30s early 40s apparently should not be allowed to walk around their own house naked.

Do you know when I snuck a boy into my parents house. I was 19, working, paying a nominal rent and my parents were away for the weekend. Cause I still had enough sense to know they'd be upset. I still at 40+ have not admitted that that happened under their roof (what would be the need). She was caught red-handed and lied. I'd be peeved.

Anything could have happened. You don't know him and she left the door unlocked. Lay down some ground rules and go from there. I'm not sure how you will stay calm, but I'm sending stay calm vibes.

I wasn't into boyfriends when I was 17. I was into flings, friends with benefits, that sort of thing, casuals, that sort of thing, so I'd only have them over when my folks weren't there or when they'd left my sister (who was 21) and I alone for the weekend or something. I went to a school with a lot of European pupils who parents were far more liberal, so if I fancied a shag sleepover, I'd stay at theirs and lie and tell my parents I was at a female friend's house because they still thought I was a virgin.

'I still at 40+ have not admitted that that happened under their roof (what would be the need).'

My sister and I would laugh, 'If these walls could talk!' I'd say, 'Baby, they're be shrieking, 'Oh, YES!'' I even had sex in their bed because mine was a single.

Wow - my poor poor DD having to see her disgusting mum naked!!!
Seriously?????
We've no hang ups or body issues and are quite comfortable in our skins.
She wanders around almost naked as do I (upstairs only)
I don't think she'll be scared for life by seeing a naked human body.
It's natural.
You keep clutching those pearls though!

I would be pissed off she hadn't even asked you. But a bit cringe that you walk around naked around a 17 year old.

There are always people on these threads who are funny about people being naked in front of their children :o !

I can't believe some posters are more concerned with you being undressed, in your own house, with your child, than her sneaking a complete stranger into your property and leaving it in danger of being burgled 🤔

"diddl what on earth makes you think the bloke was naked?"

Misreading!

I'm sure they were just up there playing Scrabble and discussing Chomsky's theories.

YANBU, I would be annoyed at DD and bloody angry at the young man who doesn't see a problem with sneaking into other people's homes without the parent's permission!

Growing up we always had one rule with sleepovers.

Always ask permission first.

The daughter brought somebody into the house who is a total stranger too the OP and then lied straight to her face about having a guest over.

I think she mentioned she was naked because, this lad has seen her naked body when she thought she had privacy in the comfort of her own home.

Understandably you are upset about finding yourself naked in front of an unknown male guest. I would be. But no one intended that to happen. You can avoid this happening in future.

The second issue is your DD having a boyfriend stay over. Many, not all, teenagers of this age have sexual relationships. They do it whether we're ready for it or comfortable with it. Too much attempts at control just means they do it elsewhere, behind our backs, and hide from us what is going on in their lives.
BUT, I am a firm believer in 'my house, my rules'.
So what are your rules going to be? Contraception, obviously.

What worked for me was a happy medium.(imo ; DC are free to feel otherwise)
I don't expect you to have someone stay over unless this is an ongoing relationship, I've met them and had a chance to get to know them - have them call round for you, bring them over for a meal. I'm not seeking to interview or approve who my kids see, but I definitely welcome the chance to meet their friends, and I am absolutely not prepared to be made to feel uncomfortable by having strangers staying in my house.

If you want to have a ONS, or sleep with a stranger, that's your decision, but not under my roof.

In the initial stages of such an arrangement, I expect to be asked, not told, if X can stay over. Obviously that changes with longstanding relationships, and also as DC get older. (though the next issue there is - how many nights a week ?)

The thing is, DC become young adults whilst still living at home.They have relationships, and I don't want them to go in for the secrecy, lying and subterfuge that went on when I was young.But it's still my house, and I require that both I and younger DC feel safe and comfortable in our home, so my rules are not negotiable.

Also, DCs at this age need to have info on contraception, safe sex, and they all need to read "Right, listen up everybody" at the beginning of the relationships section. If there's one thing I've learnt from MN,life and being DM to DDs, it's that we so need to up our game in alerting and forewarning young women about coercive relationships.