Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming at DD's unexpected visitor

230 replies

bloodyfuming9 · 15/03/2017 14:46

This is more of a wtf post than AIBU. Have name changed too.

This morning at about 7.20 I get out of bed and approach her bedroom door with no clothes on to ask 17 year old dd ( who is dressed) to answer the front door bell. As she comes out of her room, I glimpse a lad standing there! He also sees me in all my naked glory!

I'm so shocked, I say 'is there someone in your room?' to which she says 'No' although there is no doubt there is a person, so this is lie number 1. I retreat, still being naked, and tell her to get him out of the house immediately, which she does. It turns out that it's a lad she met last summer, that she had a flirtation with, and that she still talks to on Instagram etc. I'll call him Barney. He lives about 15 miles way, but is at college in our town. She tells me that he called by this morning having spent the night at a friends house nearby. I wasn't sure whether I believed this, but she assures me she was telling the truth. I don't really believe her. I have a shout at her for not telling me that there's someone in the house as it's not unusual for me to walk around with no clothes etc, although usually I get up after she's left the house to go to college.

Anyway, I now think he arrived at our house last night, as she closed the curtains at the back just before she went to bed at about 11pm, which she has never done. We live in a ground floor flat and there's a door from her bedroom into the garden which can be accessed from the side of the house. She never uses this door and tends to clutter up the entrance to it, but having just been into her room now, the access is clear, there's a few leaves inside, and the door is unlocked! What's more, the key isn't in the lock where it always is kept, as it's a fire exit, if ever needed. I'm now wondering if this is a regular occurrence and how long it's been going on, and whether he has the door key! We were away for a long weekend, and I'm even wondering if he was here while we were away!

I'm so upset that dd has been so devious and also lied to me. She's been a pretty trouble free teenager up to now, but this feels so disrespectful to me, and has also compromised the security of our home, by leaving the door unlocked today.

Any thoughts please on how best to handle this with her?

OP posts:
ginswinger · 15/03/2017 21:28

My Dad was quite a character and had a sense of righteousness for embarrassing his teenager daughter. He once hired an elf outfit to meet someone at the station and another time, he gave the Christmas sermon dressed as a baby. He was a very funny man.

missymayhemsmum · 15/03/2017 22:45

Your DD happens to have a bedroom with a private entrance. Not sure how good an idea that was, if you want to 'vet' her guests. It means that her friends can come and go in the early hours, and probably do.
You have two choices here, continually wander around naked to scare off your daughter's boyfriends, or buy a dressing gown and have a woman-to-woman conversation with her about houserules, security and visitors.

I think you should pretend to believe that he called round in the early morning like she said if you want a sensible conversation, tho.

Huldra · 15/03/2017 23:47

Who was at the front door at 7.20 in the morning?

Schoolisback1973 · 15/03/2017 23:59

There is no way I would accept this. There are to be some kind of rules set up surely...Bringing some random guy without your knowledge.
I can't believe you're being called ridiculous for your reaction!

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 16/03/2017 00:02

I am now much more invested in he gave the Christmas sermon dressed as a baby. More details are needed!

Huldra · 16/03/2017 00:05

OK read thru the thread to see it was the decorator Grin

The rest if it; ok it's your house and you pay but she is now entering into adulthood and things change. You've had a shock but clearly it's time for a discussion and new rules negotiated. Don't lay into her about the transgressions you perceive but focus on a basic ground rules going forwsrd.

Hopefully, you will all laugh about it in 20 years time.

Natsku · 16/03/2017 09:47

Your dad sounds brilliant Ginswinger!

Lovelymess · 16/03/2017 17:35

She's wrong that she lied to you but maybe have a word with her asking why she felt she needed to lie etc and lay down some rules etc

apringle · 16/03/2017 17:36

Yes of course he came last night! She's 17 and in college so sex will be a huge part of her life right now. I would've hated still living with my parents in uni! Haha but it's your house so just set some ground rules, wear your robe, and hope she's not too irresponsible with the boys.

jayne1976 · 16/03/2017 17:44

Plenty of people don't let their kids have boyfriends stay. Even if they do they are boyfriends, they've met long before they rock up for the night and you are aware of the relationship - not what seems like a casual flirtation -unacceptable - you should have a say who enters / stays over in your house.

Tracyjane64 · 16/03/2017 17:46

The worry is just how many of you think this behaviour is acceptable, I think that children whatever their age owe you respect as indeed you owe them. How are they gonna grow up and run a decent household in the future if they dont need to follow the rules? Its individual choice what you feel is appropriate as they get to a dating age but secrets and deceptions lead to conflict and ground rules need to be discussed as situations arise, or indeed beforehand. I would be angry that a boy had been in the house without my knowledge and he'd have been turfed out there and then, it sounds harsh but too many parents are scared of upsetting their children in case (as a friend told me) "they dont like me"!!

Liska · 16/03/2017 17:56

Loving how many people haven't rtft and are giving solemn advice on speaking to teenagers about sex when the OP has already said that she's had boyfriends stay over before. To derail the thread for a mo - DM was staying recently, and as the spare room is also DH's office and he was working, she'd gone into my room to dress after the shower. DH thought it was me and walked in on her while she was naked. She's 78. He screamed. She didn't. To be fair it only took 30 seconds after he'd left the room for everyone to see the funny side, but he confessed afterwards that he'd thought for a split second that it was me, and screamed because he couldn't work out what had happened to my skin.

SideOrderofSprouts · 16/03/2017 17:56

I am wetting myself silently at gin I could see my dh doing that!

And I walk my fat ass and droopy boobs round the house naked happily.

NightWanderer · 16/03/2017 17:56

I'm in my 40s and I would have been ok with it. You had a good chance to meet the lad, you could have got dressed, and have a proper chat with them both about expectations, honesty and safe sex. You have just confirmed your daughter's fear that you will be a total twat about all this which is why she lied in the first place.

NightWanderer · 16/03/2017 17:57

Oops, and don't forget to cancel the cheque Blush

callmeadoctor · 16/03/2017 17:59

Bloody hell, I would have never in a million years had sex with a boy in my parents house, yeuch!!!!!! That is just yeuch. And really? All 17 year olds are having sex, really? Does anybody have figures for this?

arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens · 16/03/2017 18:01

Can't see what's wrong with the OP walking to her DD's room naked! I often toddle to the bathroom in the nude in the morning but then there's only the three of us. Anyone else in the house and I'm totally covered up. And therein lies the point.

The OP has said the main issue was lack of knowledge of the visitor and the unsecured back door. I agree with her!

She wouldn't have been naked if she'd known there was another person in the house. The door wasn't secure so anyone could have wandered in. The DD has since admitted that she sneaked him in during the night.

We have all been 17. We have all been teenagers exploring sex. But we all knew how far we could push things. In this case confiscating the key would be a good idea (and maybe swapping rooms for a week or so!) as well as a frank talk about guest rules. ONS - well, a lot of us have been there. Sneaking ONS into parental homes, yup, done that. And the penance afterwards when caught. And the long journey to regaining trust when lost. It's part of growing up and learning how to co-exist.

Flowers OP and hope things get better soon.

Now going to curl up in the foetal position and wibble as my DD is 15 and has her first serious boyfriend. Which means that the talk about what is /isn't acceptable isn't too far off.....

Craigie · 16/03/2017 18:01

Why would you be surprised by this. Your daughter is over the age of consent and is having sex in a safe environment. Just make sure she is using appropriate contraception and tell her she doesn't need to sneak around.

Also, stop wandering around in your house naked.

Original poster
bloodyfuming9 · 16/03/2017 18:02

Just for the record- again- he's not her boyfriend. They've been texting a lot recently, but it's gone from texting, to him turning up just before midnight and DD sneaking her into the house for the night!
I'm aware that she has been sexually active for quite a while now and haven't had a problem with her having boyfriends in the past. I guess it's the leap from texting to sneaking him into the house for the whole night that I find difficult. That, and the security issues, and the lies and deception.

OP posts:
Liska · 16/03/2017 18:06

I'm just going to go ahead and cancel the cheque myself.

Jessikita · 16/03/2017 18:08

Not read the whole thread. She is disrespectful by not asking if he can stay over. But I was up to all sorts when I was her age.
I'd let her have "proper" boyfriends over if you are a asked and b she starts takin g contraception.

Original poster
bloodyfuming9 · 16/03/2017 18:20

I'd really appreciate it if people could stop telling me not to be naked in my own home.

There's nothing weird about it, it's not a big deal for me or dd, both of us just flit about sometimes, we don't settle down for breakfast or a night in front of the tv with no clothes on.

Thanks

OP posts:
SewMeARiver · 16/03/2017 18:22

I personally think 17 is too young to be having sex. I would be very disappointed and yes, upset, if this was my DD. But then I believe that it is preferable to keep sex until marriage or at least withsomeone with whom you are in a substantia adultl relationship. I have drummed this into my children, although whether they choose to listen or not is up to them.

I also think it is a quite disrespectful to have a boyfriend and not even introduce him to the rest of the family, to just sneak him in without permission or an introduction. I would be appalled at my DD accepting this arrangement, let alone facilitating it. I would hope my children would have more self respect and respect for family than that.

Also I think secretive sexual relationships are often how young people, girls particularly, can sometimes end up with quite unsavoury, controlling partners, they have not introduced them to their parents, they are having sex secretly, and there is no way for parents with more experienced judgement to assess the character of the person/s they are having relationships with before they have got involved. Not behaviour I'd encourage.

I'd be livid. YANBU

BillyButtfuck · 16/03/2017 18:27

I'm typing this in the nude. Take that you prudes Wink

Nanny0gg · 16/03/2017 18:31

If you haven't had a problem with boyfriends staying in the past, why is she so sneaky with this one?

Swipe left for the next trending thread