Fuming at DD's unexpected visitor

[bloodyfuming9]

This is more of a wtf post than AIBU. Have name changed too.

This morning at about 7.20 I get out of bed and approach her bedroom door with no clothes on to ask 17 year old dd ( who is dressed) to answer the front door bell. As she comes out of her room, I glimpse a lad standing there! He also sees me in all my naked glory!

I'm so shocked, I say 'is there someone in your room?' to which she says 'No' although there is no doubt there is a person, so this is lie number 1. I retreat, still being naked, and tell her to get him out of the house immediately, which she does. It turns out that it's a lad she met last summer, that she had a flirtation with, and that she still talks to on Instagram etc. I'll call him Barney. He lives about 15 miles way, but is at college in our town. She tells me that he called by this morning having spent the night at a friends house nearby. I wasn't sure whether I believed this, but she assures me she was telling the truth. I don't really believe her. I have a shout at her for not telling me that there's someone in the house as it's not unusual for me to walk around with no clothes etc, although usually I get up after she's left the house to go to college.

Anyway, I now think he arrived at our house last night, as she closed the curtains at the back just before she went to bed at about 11pm, which she has never done. We live in a ground floor flat and there's a door from her bedroom into the garden which can be accessed from the side of the house. She never uses this door and tends to clutter up the entrance to it, but having just been into her room now, the access is clear, there's a few leaves inside, and the door is unlocked! What's more, the key isn't in the lock where it always is kept, as it's a fire exit, if ever needed. I'm now wondering if this is a regular occurrence and how long it's been going on, and whether he has the door key! We were away for a long weekend, and I'm even wondering if he was here while we were away!

I'm so upset that dd has been so devious and also lied to me. She's been a pretty trouble free teenager up to now, but this feels so disrespectful to me, and has also compromised the security of our home, by leaving the door unlocked today.

Any thoughts please on how best to handle this with her?

What is everyone's problem with their children seeing them naked ffs?

Liska .

I've stayed over in friends rooms overnight...once in a men's only hall which was hilarious. It didn't mean anything as I simply slept there, nothing else. You've made massive assumptions about your dd. My Mum was made paranoid by her friends insisting I must be having sex with my bf and that she should put me on the pill, and that I must be lying about it. I wasn't and didn't until much older. She was fully dressed! Sit down with her and talk to her. Ask her for the truth as she obviously did have a boy in her room but don't make huge leaps of judgement.

Male viewpoint. I'm with you OP. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Everyone has different standards, you stick to yours. Your house, your body, your freedom, your security, your daughter,. The boy deserves no courtesy having behaved with none. To a certain extent your 17 year old daughter's sex life is your business until she is completely independent. Who picks up the pieces if she experiences a 'contraceptive failure'? The security element seems relatively unimportant to readers..until it goes wrong.

I am fully clothed under a blanket. Take the you sex fiends.

BillyButtfuck

I'm guessing that they might not have just been texting prior to this if it suddenly went from vaguely fancying/knowing and chatting to staying over for a ONS. More likely they were sexting. It might be an idea to have a chat about being careful sending photos. It's quite common.
I will be mortified when I have to have those kind of chats with my daughter. But I work in a senior school & I've seen the fallout from those scenarios so I will have to!
I know that's on a tangent, sorry.
YANBU to be annoyed at the sneakiness and not knowing who was in your house & the security element. Nakedness? Up to you! X

I'd be furious too. 17 or 14 total lack of respect. We all done things when we were kids but bringing a boy into my house to "sleep over" without asking my parents I would not of dared. My daughter is 19 and wouldn't dream she of doing that probably why she's at Uni 😂

If your worried about security can I suggest you get an alarm? Ours wasn't too pricy and is linked to an app that notifies us if it is turned on or off. So to open the door in a fire would be fine, but if she opened it at 2am, she would need to turn the alarm off and you would be able to see the notification in the morning and ask what she was up to.

pollymere
Actually, you're the one making assumptions.
I'm not stupid, of course I talked to her. They did have sex.

*NannyOgg- I think she didn't tell me because he's not her boyfriend, he arrived very late and it was a weeknight (she gets up at 6.30am). She knew i wouldn't agree to visiting, let alone staying all night.

marhav Thanks for your post

I too would be furious. Not about having sex, but about the lies and deception, lack of trust and the potential security issue. Like you, I do wander round the house naked occasionally as does my two teenage daughters. I see a lot of negative comments about the nakedness in all the replies, but in Scandinavia, Austria & Germany this is very normal and my children have exceptionally healthy body images and no hang ups as a result, unlike many of their friends, so personally I would say the others are the ones with the problems, not you. We all have bodies, and you are family. Going back to your DD, I would stress to her that it is important that she introduces you to anyone staying over in the future and that it is the deception that is the problem. Then get the key back and change the lock, in case he has copied it, and change the lock to one that opens with a turn lock on the inside, and key from the outside. You keep the key. This meets future security & safety needs and means she can't give the key to other boys, who could ransack and steal whilst you were out if they were so inclined.

Am amazed and horrified at some of the responses on here. So what if she's 17. Doesn't give her any right to use your home to bring strangers in to have sex with them. I wouldn't have been ok with that at all. I would only allow my children to sleep with any partners at home if they were long term relationships and that was after they'd been with them for months. Not interested in the argument she's 17, that's what they do. It's disrespectful to you to not tell you who is in the house. It was her fault he saw you naked. I'd broach it by telling her I'm really angry and she'd better not do it again.

YANBU! I'm surprised so many people here think you are! Like you say it's basic respect and above all safety. I'm with you all the way on this one. And the naked thing isn't an issue either. Again, it's mainly the people who think that you should loosen up about your daughters sex life but Are then shocked by nakedness, for me that's a bit of a contradiction!

YANBU. Ds1 and ds2 are 21 and 19. They don't have girls staying over. I would be happy for ds1's girlfriend to stay as they have been together for over two years however her parents would not allow It. When Ds goes to her house they are not allowed in her bedroom and so sit in the lounge. They both seem to accept this.

I don't do naked but that's just me. You are entitled to be naked in your own home.

The door being left unlocked all day would be a huge problem for me. Could you swap rooms?

I wouldn't embarress her in front of the boy by rooting him out the bedroom as others have suggested, this is a private matter between you and your DD to sort out. This happened to me as a teenager (being mortified in front of a boyfriend) and that was a final straw in my relationship with my mother. (though to be fair she was a truly awful woman!!) I agree with the walking around naked thing - that's a bit weird though maybe I am a bit of a prude. I would re-set the ground rules with her - personally if they are bringing boys overnight, I would rather it was in my home than in a car park somewhere, and that we were open about contraception. Stopping the boyfriend coming over wont stop her being with the boy, may make her even more secretive and distrustful of you. She was wrong, but maybe she just didn't know how to broach the subject with you. ts about re-setting the ground rules...

It sounds like you have a lovely, open relationship with your daughter.

Some of the other stories to come out on this thread have been hilarious.

YANBU

Yep I know she's 17 but looking back at what I got up to at that age 1. 17 she's still a child...I'd be concerned that she's having sex with a practical stranger

1. He's a stranger to you and you should be informed of anyone staying in your house...esp if you are likely to be walking around naked at times.

1. Blatant lying isn't on...no matter what age they are.

Rupertsmum - i know its irrelevant to this thread but are you saying the girlfriend of your 21 year old isn't allowed to stay over & not allowed in her bedroom with him??? Or is she under 16?

What poison said.

Agree with some ladies on here!

My house, my rules. Never sneaked any guy into my home/room as a young adult or a teenager. So same goes for my daughter.

Mine isn't that old yet so wouldn't comment on d sex & contraceptive issue. I wasn't having sex at 17, neither was I a saint.

You should definitely set d rules straight b4 it gets out of hand.

Rupert mum2. I will surely be like ur sons girlfriends mum lol

NannyOgg- I think she didn't tell me because he's not her boyfriend, he arrived very late and it was a weeknight (she gets up at 6.30am). She knew i wouldn't agree to visiting, let alone staying all night.

Well I'd have a huge problem with that. It really is a case of 'your house, your rules' here. Why does she think it's okay for her to bring some random bloke into your house without your permission? It's not a house share.
And does she realise leaving the door unlocked could invalidate your insurance?

I'd be livid with her. And there'd be no staying over for anyone for a considerable length of time.

You walk around naked in a house with teenagers in?

She walks around her own house naked. Presumably not all the time, in any case.

ThePiglet
Yep, but we get dressed for Sunday lunch.
(I'll cancel the cheque)