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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that a known bully shouldn't be rewarded

248 replies

Konmariconvert · 01/03/2017 16:42

I do name change periodically and this is my first post under my latest name change.

My ds YR4 (and two other boys) have separately been the victim of bullying in school by the same boy. Unbeknown to me at the time the other boys parents have been into school at different times over the last 6 months. The bullying was nasty and bully boy got his groupies to get in the act too.

This boy has been dealt with by the head, who incidentally believed every word I was saying about this boy. I don't know if sanctions were issued but frankly I just wanted the bullying to stop. This boy has calmed down and ds keeps a wide birth. He's back to his normal self and would tell me if not.

Here's the thing... school have just picked their football team, only 10 boys were picked from 40, bully boy has been given a spot. Part of me thinks this is wrong and sends the wrong message to bully boys victims and their parents given that this was only dealt with very recently.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 01/03/2017 16:44

You think he should be permanently excluded from participating in team sports as a sanction?

DriftingDreamer · 01/03/2017 16:46

Is he a good footballer?
Participating in controlled/ supervised football maybe good for him.
Learning to play as a team etc.
Unsupervised football of course could be a different matter....

Bantanddec · 01/03/2017 16:47

I understand your frustrations but the child has been punished and as you have said has calmed down

LoupGarou · 01/03/2017 16:47

I'm not sure, DS isn't school age yet but at our local schools (not UK) behaviour and attitude are big parts of keeping your place on the school sports teams, anyone who has bullied gets booted off and has time with the school counsellor (and some other therapy type stuff too) until their behaviour changes.

Has the bully's behaviour changed?

Original poster

Konmariconvert · 01/03/2017 16:48

Trifle come on now, I never said that did I.

This boy was dealt with only last week, a little too soon to establish whether his bullying behaviour is going to stop.

OP posts:

zzzzz · 01/03/2017 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 01/03/2017 16:48

YABU

This boy is 8 or 9 years old. You said he's calmed down too, so is he expected to never be able to move on from his past behaviour?

OneWithTheForce · 01/03/2017 16:49

Team sports are a brilliant way of showing children that everyone should be valued and everyone contributes, its also great for fostering good sportsmanship and the idea that you work together for the common good. If this child is bullying then putting him in a situation where he has to respect his peers in order to be successful/be included sounds like the perfect way to tackle his problems.

WorraLiberty · 01/03/2017 16:50

Plus, if he's good at football then he's good at football.

If he was good at maths, would you have a problem with him being rewarded with a place on the team in a maths challenge?

BurningBridges · 01/03/2017 16:50

Wow only last week? In which case why are you saying he's "calmed down" - you don't know yourself if he has changed his ways and neither does the school. I'd mention it to the Head - say you are surprised and disappointed. See what he comes back with.

Original poster

Konmariconvert · 01/03/2017 16:50

Loup this is the same in my ds football team, behaviour and attitude count and only very recently a boy was told he wouldn't get picked for the team for 2 weeks due to behaviour.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 01/03/2017 16:50

Meybe he has been given the spot on the team because he's good at football and as an incentive to behave better?

Allthebestnamesareused · 01/03/2017 16:52

Yes - YABU

Original poster

Konmariconvert · 01/03/2017 16:52

Burn the comment "calmed down" referred to the fact that he hasn't bullied ds in the last week.

OP posts:

BurningBridges · 01/03/2017 16:56

Ok well that's good!

LouisevilleLlama · 01/03/2017 16:56

YABU if only 10 are picked (which I find strange normally there are 11 players plus substitutes) it's done on football ability, the fact he's good at football just sends that message to the parents? Did your DS try out for football and miss out by any chance? I doubt you'd have the same reaction to the chess team. Bullying is shit I hate it and was bullied so much I had to go to the hospital 3 times and still have social issues due to it, but looking objectively a child can't be cut from every social event as that also would be bullying/ victimising if he's already been dealt with.

Also if the boys were also on the team maybe it could provide common ground to mend the damage and become friends

IsItMeOr · 01/03/2017 16:58

YABU. I think you should trust that the school are handling this as well as it sounds like they have done the bullying situation last week.

At only 8 or 9, kids are still very much learning how to successfully navigate interactions with their peers.

Original poster

Konmariconvert · 01/03/2017 16:58

*Plus, if he's good at football then he's good at football.

If he was good at maths, would you have a problem with him being rewarded with a place on the team in a maths challenge*

Yes I think I would, for me it's all about this boy proving his word before being rewarded. I'm not saying he should pay forever. I don't like the message this sends to his victims.

OP posts:

IamFriedSpam · 01/03/2017 17:00

I can understand your feelings, what happened to your DS and other victims is awful but excluding the bully from sports would be a terrible idea. Having him involved in a team sport might be great for him (I know this boy's well being probably isn't your main concern but it's important his behaviour doesn't get entrenched so he doesn't continue bullying).

I think it would be unreasonable to include him on the team as a result of the bullying (e.g. to help with his teamwork) but if he's earned his place on the team by being good at football he should be able to take it up.

user1487175389 · 01/03/2017 17:01

School behaviour policies are about rewarding positive behaviour - giving this boy an opportunity to do well at a team sport gives the school an opportunity to praise him and encourage the behaviour they Do want to see.

What they won't be doing is labelling him a bully and inviting more negative behaviour from him. He's only 8 or 9. Give him a chance. As long as the sanctions are being enforced when he does bully, and being enforced consistently, he should be treated as any other child.

WorraLiberty · 01/03/2017 17:02

The message it sends to his victims is that he's good at maths or football.

I get that you're going to have a complete downer on this child because he's bullied your son - that is completely natural.

But it's the school's job (along with his parents) to try to change his behaviour, and if part of that is helping him engage in other activities that might give him confidence (for example), that's a very good thing.

GwenStaceyRocks · 01/03/2017 17:02

You are reading a message into it. The other victims may just read that he's better at football; that if they have problems with their behaviour, the school will support them and not consider them beyond redemption; that team sports are a good way to learn to work as a team, etc. There are lots of positive messages to be taken from his selection for the football team.

Trifleorbust · 01/03/2017 17:04

OP, unless it is policy that a child sanctioned for bullying can't represent the school, you are being entirely unreasonable. He has already been punished.

bigearsthethird · 01/03/2017 17:04

You are totally reasonable to be annoyed the exact same thing happened to my DS. The kids were told if they behaved well, attendance was good etc they would be in a better chance to make the football team. There were about 4 or 5 boys who were bullys at the time and had been picking on a number if children my ds included. Every single one of those boys got picked for the team and the children who didnt get picked were the ones who had not been in trouble at all.

The school had decided that these boys needed a greater reward than the other children to try and improve their behaviour. FFS

If a child bullys, they should miss out on the fun stuff. Not have their victim miss out. Its so wrong and sends the wrong message to every child.

That kid won't stop the bullying I'll bet OP. I feel sorry for your son.

TheNaze73 · 01/03/2017 17:05

I think YABVU. The team should be picked purely on ability.

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