to think that a known bully shouldn't be rewarded

[Konmariconvert]

I do name change periodically and this is my first post under my latest name change.

My ds YR4 (and two other boys) have separately been the victim of bullying in school by the same boy. Unbeknown to me at the time the other boys parents have been into school at different times over the last 6 months. The bullying was nasty and bully boy got his groupies to get in the act too.

This boy has been dealt with by the head, who incidentally believed every word I was saying about this boy. I don't know if sanctions were issued but frankly I just wanted the bullying to stop. This boy has calmed down and ds keeps a wide birth. He's back to his normal self and would tell me if not.

Here's the thing... school have just picked their football team, only 10 boys were picked from 40, bully boy has been given a spot. Part of me thinks this is wrong and sends the wrong message to bully boys victims and their parents given that this was only dealt with very recently.

Genuinely interested to know though-should this boy do An outstanding piece of writing, would his achievement be ignored? Do the teachers say he can't possibly stand up in assembly to celebrate his achievement and he is not allowed to be rewarded for hard work and effort due to accusations of bullying.

I find it hard to believe a professional would do this and I simply think that this is what has happened here with the football team.

My DS school says that bullying is not tolerated and continued bullying will result in exclusion, the usual blah blah blah vague crap.
BUT the kid will have a talking to, all will be well for a week until the next episode. In the meantime he gets to do the trips, get picked for the team. I think he was excluded once - for HALF A DAY. That'll teach him.

So the school has a policy - but it doesn't work. Thats what we are all saying. How is rewarding a bully by giving him a place on the team - a place that 25 other well behaved little boys wanted the right thing to do? I can't fathom who on earth thinks thats the right thing to do. It reinforces the bullys behaviour of thinking he can get away with anything and kicks the victims in the teeth.

But yeah, We'll work with the school AGAIN. Whilst they spout all that stuff about reinforcing good behaviour and ignoring bad blah blah blah, whilst our kids gets their heads kicked in.

Genuinely interested to know though-should this boy do An outstanding piece of writing, would his achievement be ignored? Do the teachers say he can't possibly stand up in assembly to celebrate his achievement and he is not allowed to be rewarded for hard work and effort due to accusations of bullying.

Completely different. he hasnt been picked over 25 other children to represent the school has he by doing a good piece of work!

The bully playing sports can be a good outlet or distraction for them. Like a form of rehab so to speak

OP have you thought of sending your child to MMA/Muay Thai/BJJ or Krav lessons? Will do wonders for confidence, self defence, and fitness

Sport is still work! Part of the curriculum and it is a necessity in state schools and a requirement that extra curricular activities are available.

Plus for all you know a bully's parents could be working desperately with staff in private to help the child behaviour. And one of the strategies could be to try and help bullies self esteem and sense of belonging, which would have a knock on effect that the child stops bullying.

No one is saying they shouldnt do sport. Sport is a very good thing and they should be doing that.

But making the team, above all the well behaved children. Thats the problem.

mugglebumthesecond
Plus for all you know a bully's parents could be working desperately with staff in private to help the child behaviour. And one of the strategies could be to try and help bullies self esteem and sense of belonging, which would have a knock on effect that the child stops bullying.

In my childs case I think 3 years down the line its pretty clear that isnt the case. This bully in my ds school also made the football team. Its not right to have such a public rewards following such extremely bad behaviour.

I think a simple 'stop fucking hitting people' is a pretty clear message to be honest. 'Keep hitting people, you 'll lose priviledges.' That should speed up things and help their 'strategies'.

Keep hitting people, you 'll lose priviledges

Then you run the risk of the bully having nothing to lose. Nothing to lose? Fuck it why not hit people?

Every child matters-hard message yes but with very young children one we all have to suck up.

Whilst I agree that every child matters, it is wrong to teach children "to suck it up" when faced with an injustice. Personally I always try to explain a rule and the reasons behind it, I also will talk about why I feel a rule to be unfair too.

Change only happens when people do stand up and be counted despite the real possibility of personal consequences. I try to encourage my children to be individuals and not the follow like sheep.

Sport is still work!

No, its FUN.

Thats why lots of children want to be in the team.

Bigears have you

A. Complained to the school in writing? If so and nothing was done have

B. Taken your complaint higher, board of governors, Ofsted etc? Is so and nothing has been done then

C. Why is your child still attending a school who are failing in their duty of care and not keeping your child safe?

userone1

A. Complained to the school in writing? If so and nothing was done have
Yes

B. Taken your complaint higher, board of governors, Ofsted etc? Is so and nothing has been done then
Yes - they have vowed to ensure my ds is safe and the school recently did apologise to him for failing him following this action.

C. Why is your child still attending a school who are failing in their duty of care and not keeping your child safe?
The bullying has now moved onto another child and my ds has been left mostly alone (after 3 years on and off) He has friends there and wants to stay with his friends but I did give him the option to leave.
We have taught him how to defend himself and the last episode saw him hit the kid back very hard . Its stopped since then for the most part, just the odd little comment here and there. If it starts again I will be straight down the school immediately.

Its a sad world where we have to teach our children to defend themselves, but as the school were not doing it he had little choice.

Its a sad world where we have to teach our children to defend themselves, but as the school were not doing it he had little choice

Not a sad world at all. It'll be useful if a belligerent drunk wants a fight with him on a saturday night in his late teen years

Bigears, im a bit confused your previous post said your school had policies but didnt use them. Now you are saying you complained and they are now using them and the bullying has stopped? But the bullying hasn't stopped, as another child is being bullied?

So are you saying the school has and uses clear, effective behaviour and consequences following your complaint or not?

If not then your complaint hasn't been effective.

Kon I don't know how you've held it together coming on this thread and seeing people excuse bullies over and over again, this is exactly why bullying is so entrenched - "This boy that bullied my son and two other children has a very entitled attitude. He is the best at everything, what he has is better than anyone else's, he is smarter than everyone else... he is the best at all sports. I've seen him in action and he's certainly knows how to work a crowd of impressionable 9 year old! - this was exactly what the bullies at my DDs' first primary school were like - all very entitled just like their parents.

You said earlier you were done with the thread I can't read it any more myself I feel panicky and sick - very much how I know my eldest DD feels when she sees her bullies and she's nearly 16 now, she said she hates the way they can still make her feel.

I'm done with this thread too. I've had enough listening to adults make excuses for these kids as though its a minor thing they have.

Good Luck OP. I really hope this kid has stopped bullying your ds. I know how heart breaking it is to watch the confusion on your childs face when their attacker gets given a coveted place on the team.

Op You can't demand that a child shouldn't get a place on a football team. It does seem unfair that the bully made the team but sometimes a kid is outstanding and he/she can't be passed over. If I was running that team I would have given him a place and then if he continued to bully I would use it as a sanction.

Comparing this situation to the Ched Evans case is disgusting.

derxa oh no we shouldn't allow these outstanding children to be passed over... let them do exactly what they want because they are, in fact outstanding... FFS can you hear yourself! We are talking about selections for a school football team for 9 year olds, not the bloody Olympics

And for the record I never once compared this situation to the Ched Evans case.

oh no we shouldn't allow these outstanding children to be passed over.
No we shouldn't.
And for the record I never once compared this situation to the Ched Evans case. No but some people did.

Once again it's not your place to decide sanctions for other children. You could say to the school that you think it's unfair that this kid got a place on the football team.

Kon - I asked a while back and you didn't reply. Have you asked the school how they intend to deal with the bullying issue?

Have you complained about their behaviour and consequence policy, if it's not being followed?

derxa oh no we shouldn't allow these outstanding children to be passed over... let them do exactly what they want because they are, in fact outstanding... FFS can you hear yourself! We are talking about selections for a school football team for 9 year olds, not the bloody Olympics 

Hmmmm. I think at 8 years old a child can be outstanding at something and also have traits that are bullying and aggressive. Obviously these need to be dealt with but if you deny opportunity to a child just because they've been brought up a certain way or have made mistakes, you're opening up a whole can of worms.

I think the best thing a parent can do is model ways of dealing with bullies. Teach them that life isn't fair and people who do bad things will get opportunities too. Also model behaviour such as facing up to a problem by going to those in charge- persistently if you need to.

I'd also gently suggest assertiveness training, teaching your child that there will always be people like this and how to build character deal with them.

Lastly that wether or not this person deserves to be in the team or not, the only thing your child can actually do to get in the team next time is work hard and prove that s/he deserves it on merit too.

ffs the victim blaming on here is sick.

Who is victim blaming?

I prefer the term consequence to punishment.
Consequences are a natural result of everything we do.

Even things like can't be arsed to walk to shop for milk = no coffee!