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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that a known bully shouldn't be rewarded

248 replies

Konmariconvert · 01/03/2017 16:42

I do name change periodically and this is my first post under my latest name change.

My ds YR4 (and two other boys) have separately been the victim of bullying in school by the same boy. Unbeknown to me at the time the other boys parents have been into school at different times over the last 6 months. The bullying was nasty and bully boy got his groupies to get in the act too.

This boy has been dealt with by the head, who incidentally believed every word I was saying about this boy. I don't know if sanctions were issued but frankly I just wanted the bullying to stop. This boy has calmed down and ds keeps a wide birth. He's back to his normal self and would tell me if not.

Here's the thing... school have just picked their football team, only 10 boys were picked from 40, bully boy has been given a spot. Part of me thinks this is wrong and sends the wrong message to bully boys victims and their parents given that this was only dealt with very recently.

OP posts:
londonrach · 01/03/2017 17:05

Yabu. The two things are not linked. Take it place on the football team is down to talent. In fact being part of a team might help the bully.

punicorn · 01/03/2017 17:06

Have had two kids go through primary and secondary and in my experience teachers pick sports teams to win and not for any other reason I'm not bitter at all

Spikeyball · 01/03/2017 17:06

He is not been rewarded. He is being given the same chance as others which is as it should be.

Fighterofthenightman · 01/03/2017 17:08

I think it's fine. I don't perceive it as being rewarded for bullying at all.

LouisevilleLlama · 01/03/2017 17:10

I don't like the message this sends to his victims. what message is it sending? Apart from he got onto a team through merit

Allthebestnamesareused · 01/03/2017 17:11

Also re picking 10 players - at age 8/9 they play 6 a side so it is a team plus 4 substitutes.

WorraLiberty · 01/03/2017 17:11

It is strange that we often see being accepted for a sports team as 'being rewarded', rather than just 'good enough to make the team'.

I wonder if other countries, who are better at sports share the same attitude?

Original poster
Konmariconvert · 01/03/2017 17:11

bigears phew, thought I was the only one who though this way, although the majority seem to think IABU.

Sorry to hear about your ds too. Sometimes when children bully it gets minimized because of their age, my ds has been very distraught at times and I genuinely worried for his well being. If this situation was going on in the workplace, the perpetrator wouldn't be rewarded with a promotion or get picked for an office jolly.

OP posts:
mugglebumthesecond · 01/03/2017 17:12

These are small children and the child deserves as much chance at his education wether 'bully' or not. It's a school!

AlmaMartyr · 01/03/2017 17:12

I hope your DS is OK. I can understand why you're annoyed - it's an awful feeling when your children are being bullied. You are being unreasonable though. The school can't exclude him from this kind of thing because of his behaviour - presumably the best footballers have been chosen. If he was sent on a special trip for excellent behaviour, that would be different I think. It must stick in your craw though.

Original poster
Konmariconvert · 01/03/2017 17:13

Worra I've already stated that this is not just a football, I would still feel the same about any event within the school whereby children have been selected to represent the school.

OP posts:
mugglebumthesecond · 01/03/2017 17:17

Furthermore, it's very unlikely that the boy will see participating in football as a 'reward'- why should he? He's representing the school, As he would in any other activity or curriculum subject.

It's only you that sees it as a 'reward' and possibly because you feel he, as a child, is undeserving for being a 'bully and another child who you favour has been overlooked.

Letting the bully take part is better than favouritism or nepotism seen in some schools.

Fighterofthenightman · 01/03/2017 17:17

I'd say the same if it was the workplace. They're completely separate things.

IsItMeOr · 01/03/2017 17:20

My teen years were made miserable through bullying. Trust me, I am not minimising, but being proportionate about what is likely to help a still very young child learn good ways to treat other people.

harderandharder2breathe · 01/03/2017 17:22

He's not being rewarded for being a bully he's being rewarded for being good at football. Unless the bullying took place during football training there's no connection between the two.

He's a child. Yes he's been nasty but you can't withhold all privileges forevermore or he has zero incentive to change his behaviour.

mycatwantstokillme1 · 01/03/2017 17:23

I feel for you. I do agree that kids should get second chances. But that belief was tested for me when my son was bullied by a kid at school and when he told his SEN teacher the teacher kept banging on about what a great boy this kid was and how he couldn't have meant it and must have been joking and if he'd realised how upset my DS was he'd be devastated. And this wasn't even one person's word against another. Long story, but my aspergers son who has no friends really wanted this kid to come back to ours after school. Kid said no but could take him down to the hood one night, really late. My son asked him where 'the hood' was and that was where it began. Kid realised DS didn't know it was urban slang. DS asked him to send him a link online to the hood, to see where it was and if he wanted to go. Kid said no I can't send you a link, but listed virtually every boy in the class and told DS to message them and see if they could send DS the link. Kid then said he'd introduce him to 'bare black men with guns drugs', DS got scared and showed me. When I had to try and explain to him what had happened his reaction almost broke my heart. He started crying and said 'why did I have to be born like this?' (naive). I cried with him.

Anyway it went over into school so I told DS to speak to SEN teacher and that was what he said, what a great kid this fucking bully was. So I printed off the exchange and emailed it to him. Did sweet FA and at certificate evening this kid was whooped and cheered by eveyone when he went to get his. Luckily this happened when they were 16 and the bully didn't stay on do do A levels but the effect it had on my son's confidence was soul destroying.

Sorry to offload all that, I've never shared that before. It's brought a tear to my eye again. That's why although I agree in principle that kids should be given second chances it's very hard when it's your own!

MrsNuckyThompson · 01/03/2017 17:27

I also feel for you and understand how you must feel about this boy who has been so unkind to your child.

However I do think YABU in suggesting that this is not only dealt with but then dealt with over and over again. Surely the main thing is that the situation seems to have calmed down?

Shamefulsecrets · 01/03/2017 17:28

YANBU.

What sanctions/punishments did they put in place? I'd be asking how this boy has been dealt with to make sure something was actually done and not that they just had a chat and he promised not to do it again.

I think as part of his sanctions for bullying he should have been excluded from football for a set number of weeks and told that unless his attitude improves he'll be excluded permanently from playing in the team.

Bullying ruins lives and can permanently scar the victim (emotionally and physically). It's about time schools took it seriously, instead of pandering to the 'poor' bully and trying to understand them.

IamFriedSpam · 01/03/2017 17:28

mycat that's horrible. I feel heartbroken for your DS. I would be tempted to make a complaint about how it was handled in your case. I don't necessarily think the boy who bullied your DS should be prevented from getting his certificates (unless they were certificates for being kind) but they should have tackled his behaviour rather than telling your DS how great this kid was - how horrible for him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/03/2017 17:34

Children generally bully because somewhere in their lives there is a lack of boundaries/control/respect from authority figures or because they're being bullied themselves.

The message that's being given to this boy is that he is worth something and it's actually a massive incentive for him to permanently modify his behaviour. Being picked for the team could turn out to be a very good thing for your son.

Please leave things be and see if he can make a permanent change. I know you want to protect your son and that is of course your first and foremost concern. The school is there to help your son if not, which is a very good thing.

Original poster
Konmariconvert · 01/03/2017 17:35

mycat Flowers

shame I'm not sure what or if any sanctions were issued, and as I said up thread, I just wanted the bullying to stop. I then find out that 2 other sets of parents have needed to go in about this boy and as you can imagine made me very angry.

So yes, I do believe that he should have been left out of the team on this occasion and given the opportunity to try out again when his behaviour improved.

OP posts:
Littlepiglittlepig3letmeIN · 01/03/2017 17:37

School behavior policies are about rewarding positive behaviour - giving this boy an opportunity to do well at a team sport gives the school an opportunity to praise him and encourage the behaviour they Do want to see.

But what about the children who are good nearly all the time?
Do they ever get rewarded?

mycatwantstokillme1 · 01/03/2017 17:39

IamFried thank you. I agree, he shouldn't have not got his certificates. It was just so hard hearing everyone whooping and cheering him. Konmarconvert thanks for the flowers!

barinatxe · 01/03/2017 17:43

YABU but I agree with you. Basically I believe the same thing but know I'm unreasonable to believe it.

It's like any offence; if it has been "tried" and the offender has been "sentenced" then that is pretty much that. It would be unusual for a bully to be specifically excluded from the football team as a punishment; indeed a bully is probably an ideal candidate for a footballer - aggressive, selfish and unwilling to back down in a confrontation.

Think of the Ched Evans case. Back when he was considered "guilty" (ie before his original conviction was quashed and a retrial ordered), it was only public revulsion that kept him from returning to football. His sentence was imprisonment, there was no ban from playing football. I think the same situation applies here, but with a younger person being guilty of a lesser offence.

But yes I agree excluding him from the football team would be fair enough in these circumstances, even though technically it would be wrong.

WorraLiberty · 01/03/2017 17:46

I'm not sure what or if any sanctions were issued, and as I said up thread, I just wanted the bullying to stop

And it has (so far)

Also, as you say, you don't know what sanctions were issued.

Therefore leaving him out of the team may have been overkill. For example he may have already been punished at school and punished at home.