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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that a known bully shouldn't be rewarded

248 replies

Konmariconvert · 01/03/2017 16:42

I do name change periodically and this is my first post under my latest name change.

My ds YR4 (and two other boys) have separately been the victim of bullying in school by the same boy. Unbeknown to me at the time the other boys parents have been into school at different times over the last 6 months. The bullying was nasty and bully boy got his groupies to get in the act too.

This boy has been dealt with by the head, who incidentally believed every word I was saying about this boy. I don't know if sanctions were issued but frankly I just wanted the bullying to stop. This boy has calmed down and ds keeps a wide birth. He's back to his normal self and would tell me if not.

Here's the thing... school have just picked their football team, only 10 boys were picked from 40, bully boy has been given a spot. Part of me thinks this is wrong and sends the wrong message to bully boys victims and their parents given that this was only dealt with very recently.

OP posts:
Annahibiscuits · 01/03/2017 20:02

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Annahibiscuits · 01/03/2017 20:06

trifle in the work place, bullies get sacked, or promoted

zzzzz · 01/03/2017 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fighterofthenightman · 01/03/2017 20:14

Excluding children exhibiting unacceptable behaviour from things they are good at and enjoy as a punishment doesn't work most of the time though. It just causes resentment and the idea that they're 'bad' and kids of this age struggle to differentiate between you are bad or your behaviour is bad. They see it as the same . And kids (and adults often) who think everyone thinks they are 'bad' tend to live up to that expectation.

IamFriedSpam · 01/03/2017 20:15

Yes the bully needs help, but not at the expense of the well being of their victims. But no one is suggesting that it should be at the expense of the victim! If a child is bullying others there should be sanctions and he/she should be prevented from doing any further bullying. What shouldn't happen is that they are prevented from receiving any positive reinforcement in the future. Though this might be satisfying for the victims it is just going to lead to further problems down the line. Permanently labelling a child as a bully is going to be a self fulfilling prophecy. The aim is to stop them bullying in the future - their future victims wouldn't thank you for it!

Annahibiscuits · 01/03/2017 20:17

Really?? Because the bully in our case damaged another boys eye so badly that he has to wear glasses. Not even a note home to the parents

A hard thump is very effective ime

Annahibiscuits · 01/03/2017 20:19

No, what will lead to further problems down the line is ineffectual parenting and teachers, craps boundaries and pathetic consequences

And never fucking mind down the line...My child is under medical treatment for the emotional consequences of 18 months of bullying, RIGHT NOW

Annahibiscuits · 01/03/2017 20:21

Sorry OP, this is not my thread, I'll back off. Good luck to you, but be bold and unforgiving Flowers

zzzzz · 01/03/2017 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IamFriedSpam · 01/03/2017 20:25

Annahibiscuits That's outrageous and obviously as I said there should be sanctions and there should be serious investigation into what's caused this behaviour and most importantly the victim needs to be protected. That is a complete different thing though to banning them from being involved in completely separate activities (unless the bullying was associated with that activity in which case the victim must obviously be protected). It does sound that some schools are negligently bad at dealing with bullying but the options aren't do fuck all or do nuclear and entrench the child as a bully for life.

ZackyVengeance · 01/03/2017 20:26

Ths is not in the future
This was a week ago
Are you really saying that a week after being told off or whatever, the bullying should just be forgotton.
The victims wont be over it.
What is their reward, where is their support?

Fighterofthenightman · 01/03/2017 20:31

It's not a reward though. It's a separate thing.

Userone1 · 01/03/2017 20:33

Sounds like the situation has been dealt with and the boy is carrying on with school life.

Annahibiscuits · 01/03/2017 20:42

Blahblahblah spam

Honestly, most schools are incompetent at dealing with bullies. And by 'dealing', I mean preventing them from harming other kids

Most parents of bullies, go into full in denial mode. They only take notice, if their darling gets hurt

But most importantly bullies normally stop if the victims stand up and hurt them

Yes, in the UK zzz.

Original poster
Konmariconvert · 01/03/2017 20:42

Anna you vent away because in all honesty the do-gooders on this thread are pissing me off. All bullies are not a product of some terrible thing that is happening to them!

Bullying by children is nearly always minimized because after all they are only little children! Bless them, they are all really just reacting to a terrible time out of school. As it happens I know a lot about this boys home life and it is not terrible as some would have us believe. He has a very good life, financially and socially with parents/grandparents who idolise him so much that he can do no wrong. I know the family very well.

I can see how this boy will continue his ways but try to be a little more under the radar, getting his "gang" to do his dirty work. He was spoken to 3 months about bullying one boy, but continued to carry on his campaign towards my ds and one other boy. This fact alone tells me that whatever sanctions the school decided upon did not work and were ineffective.

I was able to tell the school that I knew he had previous and expected them to put a stop to it with immediate effect. As I said this only came to ahead last week and not even one week later, he's being chosen to represent the school, so forgive me if that pisses me off a little.

Oh and it was my ds who said he wished he was dead, and let me tell you that he is a star pupil within the school, always being held up as an example of good behaviour and attitude by his CT's. He is a great kid with empathy beyond his years who donated a prize he won in a school competition to the local food bank because he is a very thoughtful boy... But yes, lets all fell sorry for the poor little boy.

OP posts:
Annahibiscuits · 01/03/2017 20:44

It's NOT a seperate thing for the victim though, is it fighter??

It really needs to change so people are thinking from the victims perspective. At least a little ffs

Original poster
Konmariconvert · 01/03/2017 20:45

poor little bully

OP posts:
Userone1 · 01/03/2017 20:48

I don't think anyone has said that bullies should not be 'dealt' with. I think people are saying they should be dealt with inline with school anti bullying policies.

Fighterofthenightman · 01/03/2017 21:01

You explain to the victim that it's separate though do you not? Unless you're teaching the victim that if they do something unacceptable in the future, it won't just be dealt with and moved on from but the punishment will continue and may involve something entirely separate from the original unacceptable behaviour.

This child wasn't given a reward or a 'good behaviour' certificate. They were spoken to about bullying and then entirely separate to that process they were picked for a sports team.

I'm not saying 'poor bully', I'm saying being picked for a sports teams is a separate issue.

Annahibiscuits · 01/03/2017 21:02

I'm sorry for what you are going through con

So, your son has said he wants to be dead??

And people are still advocating for the bully

And then, what suicide....and everyone is all 'how does this happen'??

Annahibiscuits · 01/03/2017 21:05

Rhetorical and mental gymnastics, that I'm not going to take part in nightman

Anyone with half a brain, including kids can work out where priorities lie

Userone1 · 01/03/2017 21:07

Bullying is a very serious issue and should be treated as such.

If school are not acting according to their anti bullying policies, then you have a problem with school and need to take it up with up with them.

Fighterofthenightman · 01/03/2017 21:11

Annah - what priorities?

Original poster
Konmariconvert · 01/03/2017 21:11

Anna a child commits suicide and the do gooders will all declare that "lessons must be learnt" but they never are because somewhere along the line the scales have tipped in favour of the bully!

OP posts:
Annahibiscuits · 01/03/2017 21:12

As for the 'background' of the poor bullies. One of my complaints to our shook is of unconscious bias. I don't believe they have dealt with the bully effectively because he is a nice white middle class boy from a nice white middle class family. I'm sick of hearing how nice he and his parents are actually