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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's not a toy!

331 replies

imisschocolate · 24/02/2017 08:29

I have a 2 week old DD. i don't understand why visitors insist that they have to have a "shot" when they visit.

Yesterday my baby was very grouchy and unhappy and DH and myself were having trouble settling her. We had a visitor who happened to arrive just as she was calming and falling asleep on me. Right from start of visit i said that as she was so unhappy i didn't want to risk distressing her by passing her around. This meant i had 2 hours of comments along the lines of "if I'm not getting a shot i might as well just go". (Which actually would have suited me).

I wanted to scream shes not a toy and I'm not going to make her cry just so you can hold her. This person has visited a couple of times since she was born so not like hadn't held DD before.

Also, she kept hinting i should wake my sleeping, grouchy baby to put on a wee pink outfit she brought just so she could get a picture. DD hates getting dressed/undressed which visitor knows. My DD is not a doll that you can play dress up with!

I don't think its unreasonable to not want to hand over a baby to someone for a "shot" when it will upset them. I also will not dress my baby up in an outfit just so you can get a picture.

Rant over

OP posts:
acornsandnuts · 24/02/2017 08:34

Tell them to fuck off. Seriously. It boils my piss that people think they have a right to your baby at all costs.

I think them visiting a few of times in two weeks is a bit much anyway. You and your DH need to limit visiting and spend this time with you and baby.

miserableandinpain · 24/02/2017 08:35

Yanbu. For some reason many friends family and even strangers see babies as public property Confused

Just say your not well and they have to leave Flowers easier said than done i know

LilacSpatula · 24/02/2017 08:35

Sod em all. Your visitor sounds like a selfish cow Flowers Dont do anything you don't want to do and if she doesn't like it she doesn't have to visit. Who would wake someones sleeping baby to put on an outfit for a picture!!!!?

PointxTaken · 24/02/2017 08:36

YANBU!

People can be so horrible. I hate the ones who feel it's ok to come and visit when you have a new born, when all you want to do is rest and stay with your baby. No, you have to tidy up the house, make them tea, give them snacks or food instead of resting.

Of course, babies are not a toy, they don't need to be "cuddled" by a bunch of strangers (to them). People are so disrespectful, and accuse you of being precious. I have always refused for people to "have a go" with ALL my babies. Once they are old enough to go to playgroups, I don't care. When they are new born, stay away from them, unless I give them to you.

I have seen worst: with one of mine, had to spend several days in hospital. I did not get one visitor! I was bored, lonely, there are drink machine for visitors, no effort on your side, but no one came. As soon as I was home, relatives felt it was OK to come and intrude.

NavyandWhite · 24/02/2017 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snowflakes1122 · 24/02/2017 08:39

Yanbu. You've just had a baby, so you're bound to be tired out and just finding your feet with it all.

Also, she isn't a bloody doll/prize. I know people are excited, but they need to respect your boundaries.

Get your DH to tell people no visitors until you're ready. Put yourself and baby first.

Congratulations Flowers

megletthesecond · 24/02/2017 08:39

Yanbu. This drove me nuts.

SuperBeagle · 24/02/2017 08:41

Eh. Couldn't be bothered getting worked up about that. A 2 week old doesn't have complex emotions; you learn that once you've had four kids. "DD hates getting dressed/undressed", and the implication that "DD wouldn't settle for anyone else" is not something I subscribe to.

But, carry on. Your baby, your rules etc.

GwenStaceyRocks · 24/02/2017 08:46

Of course she's not a toy but I couldn't get worked up over this tbh. If you were holding your DD for the entire 2 hours, your visitor probably thought it would give you a little break if they had a 'shot'.
Some new parents would welcome the chance to get up, move around, go to the bathroom - all the actions that can be more difficult if you're home alone with a new baby.
I doubt your visitor was asking for a 'shot' to be mean. At worst, it's because they want to cuddle a baby. At best, it's because they want to give you a break.

GwenStaceyRocks · 24/02/2017 08:47

Cross-post with superbeagle Grin

PointxTaken · 24/02/2017 08:51

Hmm Changing clothes doesn't give anyone a break. What sane person asks for a baby to be put in a different outfit for a photo?
and what sane person buys a newborn size as a gift anyway?

OP, from the moment your bump shows, you become public property and so is your baby the minute he is born. People feel entitled to give their opinion, touch you and/or him. Good luck, it never stops...

IamFriedSpam · 24/02/2017 08:55

Unless this was the one and only visit of an ageing relative there is no need to wake the baby up or dress it up in clothes. Sounds like such an annoying visitor. Especially at 2 weeks PP visitors are meant to bring round lasagne and offer to do the hoovering not make loads of irritating demands.

Getnakedorgohome · 24/02/2017 08:55

PointxTaken I found it stopped when ds could walk so went from cuddly and lovable baby to a deranged toddler who would scream, headbutt and bite anyone who picked him up. Suddenly the offers to cuddle him and look after him dried right up... he walked at 7 mo so potentially not too long to wait OP !

Islacornx · 24/02/2017 08:58

This.
For some reason a few visitors seem to think they have some entitlement and right to hold a baby the whole time they are around and are very reluctant to give them up Confused very odd. Especially when the baby is so young! OP my DD is nearly 10 months and has always hated having any clothes put on or off, especially anything that goes over her head so I would definitely not change her into an outfit just for someone to have a photo opportunity with their present.
I'm very grateful for people buying my DD presents but i loathe it when what they buy is insisted and pushed to being played with/worn by said person every time they visit Hmm

Bear2014 · 24/02/2017 09:03

YANBU. A few relatives from my OH's side were literally obsessed with not just holding DD but being alone in a different room with her, which was weird and really upset me. We were in hospital for 5 days then they wanted to go and walk out into the hall/kitchen with her to 'give me a moment's peace' even if she was quiet, probably so they could pretend for 5 mins that she was theirs. It was creepy.

NotTheBelleoftheBall · 24/02/2017 09:05

Also this: If "if I'm not getting a shot i might as well just go

There is nothing to make a new parent (or anyone) feel less valued than the inference that a guest is only there to see the newborn.

highinthesky · 24/02/2017 09:06

It's difficult, I'm the first to come armed with gifts and coo over a new baby. Welcoming a new life into this world is special.

When you're the mum, you just want to be left the f*ck alone to bond with your baby.

Ponocky · 24/02/2017 09:10

I don't have kids (yet - due in 6 weeks) but as someone who's witnessed 30 babies born to family and friends in the last 15 years I say YANBU. I have never understood why visiting guests feel they have a right to hold your newborn, just because they showed their face. Like you say, they're not a toy!

I never ask to hold the baby! Instead I wait for the parents to offer as they, of course, know best. I didn't get to hold one friends little girl until she was one because my timing when visiting was always bad, i.e. she was sleeping, grouchy, feeding etc.

Sod them OP!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/02/2017 09:22

Congratulations on your new baby.Flowers.
I suppose its only to be expected that visitors are going to want to snuggle her.

mistermagpie · 24/02/2017 09:43

I have no interest in holding other people's babies (love holding my own though!) so this stuff always baffles me. People do think that they are entitles to a 'shot' with a newborn though and can get a bit huffy if you say no. My DS was reasonably happy to be passed around but some babies are more unsettled and at two weeks old especially (and at any other time for that matter) you have the right to say no. Just ignore anyone who goes in a mood or thinks you are being 'precious' for now, but trust me, there will come a time when you are desperate for somebody to take your baby for a minute while you go to the toilet or a shower or just get a break!

findingmyfeet12 · 24/02/2017 09:50

I hate this kind of behaviour. A young relative of my dh had a baby last year. This was not in the uk and in this country it is normal to spend about 4 nights at hospital post birth.

My dh and I visited her at hospital and asked permission before picking up the baby.

Another visitor grabbed the baby and started cleaning her head with scented baby lotion!

pictish · 24/02/2017 09:54

I'm another who can't get a steam up over this. I remember having new babies myself and I was pretty easy going over other people having a shot if they wanted one even if baby was sleeping etc.
I don't think it does any good to get overwrought about disturbing baby or to play up to the notion that baby doesn't like this or that at two weeks old. The more easy ozy you are, the better in the long run imo.

In other news I don't quite get wanting a shot in the first place as holding other people's babies isn't on my want list...but I understand that many people do want it so I was obliging. Everyone loses interest soon enough so you may as well enjoy it while you can.

Original poster
imisschocolate · 24/02/2017 09:55

Whenever i have visited people with babies i would never ask to hold, i would always wait to be offered.

Visitor is family and we had no problem with the visit as it was supposed to inly be an hour. Tends to take this person at least 30 mins to leave after saying they are leaving which drives me nuts normally.

When they have visited before DD has been perfectly content so we've been happy for her to have a cuddle.

OP posts:
LoveMyLittleSuperhero · 24/02/2017 10:03

YANBU, if baby is happy to be cuddled great, they should get a cuddle, but sometimes they aren't. You're mom, you know best, trust your instincts. My baby hated being changed at that age aswell so I understand what you mean about that, when she wears the outfit send the person a picture. I always say, "oh how lovely! When she wears it would you like me to send you a photo of her in it?" Seems to pacify most people (I do send the photo though ;) )

Also, "if I'm not getting a shot i might as well just go" the correct answer to this when you feel how you say you did is, "I think that might be for the best," if you want to explain you can add "baby hasn't been sleeping well we are all tired and while she's calm I'd like a nap"

I say this as a mom of a 18 week old who didn't sleep well for the first few weeks. Congratulations on your new arrival, try not to let insensitive people detract from your joy. Flowers

Chinnygirl · 24/02/2017 10:08

I always try to wait till the baby is at least four weeks old. By that time most mums are happy to pass the baby to me.

I visited my brothers kids asap though. But I didn't hold the first one and last one because they needed their mum at the time. It was fine.

i don't get what the fuss is about. A 1 or 2 month old baby is just as cute as a newborn.