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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's not a toy!

331 replies

imisschocolate · 24/02/2017 08:29

I have a 2 week old DD. i don't understand why visitors insist that they have to have a "shot" when they visit.

Yesterday my baby was very grouchy and unhappy and DH and myself were having trouble settling her. We had a visitor who happened to arrive just as she was calming and falling asleep on me. Right from start of visit i said that as she was so unhappy i didn't want to risk distressing her by passing her around. This meant i had 2 hours of comments along the lines of "if I'm not getting a shot i might as well just go". (Which actually would have suited me).

I wanted to scream shes not a toy and I'm not going to make her cry just so you can hold her. This person has visited a couple of times since she was born so not like hadn't held DD before.

Also, she kept hinting i should wake my sleeping, grouchy baby to put on a wee pink outfit she brought just so she could get a picture. DD hates getting dressed/undressed which visitor knows. My DD is not a doll that you can play dress up with!

I don't think its unreasonable to not want to hand over a baby to someone for a "shot" when it will upset them. I also will not dress my baby up in an outfit just so you can get a picture.

Rant over

OP posts:
5moreminutes · 24/02/2017 14:17

Ruby you sound like the blueprint grandmothers should be base upon Flowers

5moreminutes · 24/02/2017 14:19

babyboomers too Flowers

August1984 · 24/02/2017 14:23

once they were deliberately trying to wake him up for photos, another they were trying to give him formula when he's a BF baby and another time they were trying to give him medicine for some perceived illness!

Unreal Shock

I had my ex's grandma come in directly after having smoked a hand-rolled cigarette and attempt to pull feeding DD off my breast. When asked if she could possibly wash her hands before holding her (as advised by the midwife) she stormed out and never returned.

YANBU being supportive should really be about the checking in with the mum, not what is in it for you (tiny baby cuddles)

Trifleorbust · 24/02/2017 14:51

Would you empty the dishwasher/hand up the washing/do us a lasagne/whatever? DD is so unsettled and I am only beginning to come to grips with her"

I cannot BELIEVE anyone thinks this is an appropriate way to behave towards guests. Don't have visitors. No problem. But don't ask them to whip you up a quick lasagne when they came to see your new baby Confused

Trifleorbust · 24/02/2017 14:54

Babies go quiet when they are stressed

Mine bloody doesn't!

I loved having visitors. Yes, there is a line - I wouldn't want people waking her deliberately or removing her when I was feeding her. But I am more than happy for everyone to have a lovely long hold, and yes, I will make them tea whilst they do it. I am pleased and touched that they are so keen to spend time with her.

Medeci · 24/02/2017 14:55

Eliza22 glad I'm not the only one who doesn't enjoy holding other people's babies.
It seems rude to say no when the mother offers her baby as if it's a big treat but I'd really rather not. I loved holding my own babies but don't get the point of "having a cuddle" of someone elses.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 24/02/2017 14:56

blue Grin

Rugbyplayersarehot · 24/02/2017 14:57

Thankyou 5 Grin

Eliza22 · 24/02/2017 15:06

Medeci I'm exactly the same. Before I had my son, I'd avoid situations where "pass the parcel" babies might be. It's an evolutionary thing, I think. So that OUR own offspring survive. Whatever. I'm crap with other people's babies. And they (the baby) know it 😄

BeaderBird · 24/02/2017 15:08

YANBU! I hate this.

I have a four week old DD who cluster feeds in the evening. PIL live in a little extension we have built on the side of our house and I popped the baby through to them last night when she had nodded off in arms after feeding so that I could whizz the dog round the block. I came back in and heard a familiar distressed cry and DD obviously hadn't finished feeding and was wanting more. I walked through and held out my arms and said 'oh sorry, she obviously wasn't quite finished and is still hungry'. MIL continued to rock her up and down saying 'what's all that noise? Come on now love let's stop that silly noise' and then said 'I think she'll go back off to sleep in a minute'. I'm still holding out my arms to take her and I said 'no, she's hungry so I'd better take her back through and feed her'. She held her for about another minute and in this time my top got drenched.

People are twats.

fatmummy87 · 24/02/2017 15:11

Yanbu.

A complete stranger stuck her finger in my baby's mouth recently to feel his teeth Angry it constantly amazes me the attitude people have towards other peoples babies Confused

MesmereldaM · 24/02/2017 15:29

Wanting to dress the baby up sounds odd. And obviously it's your baby do up to you what visitors do.
Personally I never had an issue handing mine over. Was happy for family to go off and bath them or take them for a walk. Gave me a break. But we are all different.

AnnieMeekly · 24/02/2017 16:08

YANBU! Though I am sure the visitor meant no harm, just wanted to visit and see the baby! Maybe next time say you're not feeling great and get them to come back when you and baby are a bit more cheerful! Might be easier than resenting them when they're there.

Congratulations on the LO though! xx

SquidgeyMidgey · 24/02/2017 16:36

Yanbu, and I wouldn't mind emptying a friend's dishwasher if they were slammed with a screaming baby. The baby is the point of the visit, not the guest.

Trifleorbust · 24/02/2017 18:09

SquidgeyMidgey: The visit is an opportunity for the guest to see the baby, not to do the dishes or the cooking. I wouldn't mind doing that for someone, not at all, but I would be put out if I went to see someone's baby and they clung to the baby, wouldn't let me hold it (unless it was feeding) and threw a dish cloth at me.

Bluebellevergreen · 24/02/2017 18:13

wouldn't let me hold it (unless it was feeding) Hmm so that is the rule then?
People have rights to other people's babies unless they are feeding?
Fuck me! I have NEVER tried to hold/ hug/ touch a human unless invited, baby or not

SquidgeyMidgey · 24/02/2017 18:24

Wow trifle. HVs are constantly telling new mums to chill out, let visitors make their own cuppa, focus on mum and baby. It's a tough old time and if a visitor cares enough to want to hold that particular baby then surely they care enough to help mum out a tiny bit?

quarkinstockcubes · 24/02/2017 18:48

I had no problem passing my baby around, they were all clingers and wanted to be held constantly so it gave me some relief! I can't see how a five minute cuddle will be detrimental to the bonding either.

I have little interest in holding newborns but a close family member has just had a little girl and I am dying to get a shot, in fact my gut reaction was to rush off to hospital to see her but they are doing the whole babymoon thing so that wpn't happen for another few weeks Sad I haven't met her yet obviously but I am already mad about her. The family are really upset about the babymoon but respecting their wishes.

SleepFreeZone · 24/02/2017 18:50

Fuck that shit. No one came near my baby until he had his shots.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 24/02/2017 18:54

Fuck Beader how angry and upset that must have been for you. Flowers

trifle why would you not make the lasagna and do the washing up for a new mum? That's what's friends and mums/mils do!!!

Fuck me dh made our darling dil a special pie she loved as she was anaemic and lost her appetite after having her baby. We did their washing and ironing so they could focus on the baby and themselves.

Unbelievable that people put their own feelings before a new mums.

I love the term queen as used when a mummy cat gives birth. In our family dds and dils who gone birth are the queens and they are protected and supported how they want to be.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 24/02/2017 18:55

quark why are the family upset about a baby moon?? Do you have form for upsetting new mums??

ollieplimsoles · 24/02/2017 18:58

PIL live in a little extension we have built on the side of our house

Oh fuck me, NO...

Rugby your posts are actually making me feel quite emotional, you sound like a perfect mil!!!!

ollieplimsoles · 24/02/2017 19:02

The family are really upset about the babymoon but respecting their wishes.

I would love babymoons to be the normal accepted thing, I cant be doing with the grabbiness around newborns. I spent 9 emotional months nurturing my DD, wondering about her, talking to her, caring for her.. When she came I had no interest in anyone else's sense of entitlement, her dad only had two weeks off work and I was determined to get breastfeeding off to a good start. Visitors came to the hospital at visiting times, then nothing for two weeks .

Rugbyplayersarehot · 24/02/2017 19:06

ollie thankyou I try as remember how tough it was to be a new mum. Smile

I find it unbelievable that others seem to forget

quarkinstockcubes · 24/02/2017 19:06

rugby I'm not sure how you got the impression that I am upsetting anyone? Hmm

Family are upset about babymoon as I would have thought in most cultures when a baby is born that you are excited to meet it? We are a close family (who are respectful of parents wishes I will add) and are absolutely elated at this new little one being born, she is a new generation so it is extra special. There was no prior warning that we would not be allowed to meet her so it was a huge shock to all. We weren't sent a picture until she was 3 days old either.